Wanderer 1

My name is Freedom



Tomorrow is my day. I sat on the lumber pile on the north side of town. The moon had just risen, and white light dotted the tops of the trees. They were changing color now. Soon no more grass would be visible: only a blanket of all shades of red and yellow and brown. Autumn was beautiful here. Everything was, to me. You have to cherish everything, if you wanted to make life worth living.

I could hear the shouts of children gathering by the fence. Surrender! One of the most popular children’s games in the village. I couldn’t play it anymore, of course: it would be too awkward. As of tomorrow, I was an adult. Childish things weren’t things for adults. I was looking forward to growing up, for the most part. But was I ready to leave childhood yet? It was some of the best years of my life, childhood.

They were moon-spotting to see who would go first, I realized. Not to late yet. Who am I kidding! I’m an adult, I’m an adult…

I would have a job soon, and my name re-evaluated. My name. It was precious to me. They haven’t taken away anyone’s name yet, why would they start now? I was too nervous. I can’t believe I’m so nervous now, of all times. Tomorrow would be great

A pale faced boy with a red knit shirt was hobbling over the fence. He had recently been named: Independence. So much for independence! He was playing just to make friends. No one can live alone, I guess. But at least he could respect his name. That’s what I had done. It was a wondrous name, they had said. I agreed. Freedom. I lived by that name, anyone will tell you. I did so much to be free! I was rascally and didn’t obey the rules. All in the name of freedom. My name!

One rule I had obeyed to a letter, though:

Don’t go over the fence

I was totally free, except for that. Bad things lurked over the fence. Wolves? Bears? I had asked the elders every animal I knew. They always responded with one word: worse.

Independence was over the fence, and this is when the real game of Surrender started. He would try to last as long as he could, over the fence, in the presence of them. The longer he lasted, the better he would do. Silly. I had been in those groups once, but I always chickened out when it was my turn. I wanted freedom, but I wanted to live more. Of course, Independence was safe. No one had ever been taken playing Surrender. It was in the middle of the night, on bitter, cloudy days.

I had to get home. My dirty brown hair had to be washed. I was freezing, too. I couldn’t look bad for the renaming. That didn’t sit well with the elders.

Something howled from the other side of town. Independence was too far away to here it. Were they coming? I swore under my breath. My mother would wash my tongue out if she heard that. But the kids!

Curiosity took me. I ran to the source of the sound: Town Hall. Another howl came. Behind the fence!

It was getting farther away. Another howl. Chills shot up my arm. It was going towards the kids.

I was sprinting now. The town hall was quickly becoming distant. A child, named Hope, sat on the porch of one house. She saw me and burst of her post, into my path.

“What’s wrong?” I slid to a halt, and tried to break away from her arm, which was now grasped onto mine. I tried to start running again, but she held fast. “What are you doing? Are you hurt? Your mom is out looking for you, you know!”

I shoved her hand off mine, and I winced in pain. I had run so far! I couldn’t stop now though. “Listen, I heard something! We got to get that kid back over the fence!”

She shook her head. What was that supposed to mean! “Do you seriously think that that ‘something’ is some weird creature that’s going to eat us? Let them have their fun.”

I guess she was right. I gave my apologies and started of towards my house. I had just enough time to rest; face down, on my bed before she came. She scolded me for my appearance and being out so late. It was the day before my birthday, I had said. But I just got sent to my room to clean myself up.

My dreams were strange. All I remember is being clubbed by something over the head, the face of an elder, and Hope. I pondered it for a second in the morning, but it was my birthday. I quickly lost it from my memory.

Ooh, bravo!

This is quite nice. In fact, there's really nothing wrong with it. This is an intriguing world you've set up--sort of science-fictiony, like it takes place in the future. I like how most of the story is Freedom's thoughts and emotions. You did a good job of conveying the setting, too.

If I had to critique something, I guess this part is a little rushed:

Something howled from the other side of town. Independence was too far away to here it. Were they coming? I swore under my breath. My mother would wash my tongue out if she heard that. But the kids!

Curiosity took me. I ran to the source of the sound: Town Hall. Another howl came. Behind the fence!

It was getting farther away. Another howl. Chills shot up my arm. It was going towards the kids.

I see where you're going with the fragments, but they just don't flow with the rest of the story. You can make the situation intense without using choppy sentences.

Overall, good job! Post more!

This is really good! I love the glimpse we got into this strange world. I am assuming, of course, that this is just a first chapter?

There are a few spelling/punctuation mistakes which I will point out:

johnny911 wrote:Not to late yet.

Should be 'too'.

johnny911 wrote:Don’t go over the fence

There should be a period after 'fence'.

johnny911 wrote:She saw me and burst of her post, into my path.

Should be 'off'.

Another MAJOR problem is that you switch tenses constantly. I honestly don't know if you mean this to be in present or past, I think there's the same amount of each. Here is a blatant example:

johnny911 wrote:Tomorrow is my day. I sat on the lumber pile on the north side of town. The moon had just risen, and white light dotted the tops of the trees. They were changing color now.

See how the first sentence is in present, the second and third are in past and the fourth is in present again?

Other than that, the first half (pretty much) is in present and the second half (pretty much) is in past... work on that.

Here are a few parts I found awkward:

johnny911 wrote:You have to cherish everything, if you wanted to make life worth living.

This seemed a little out of place to me. Maybe try saying 'one' rather than 'you': 'One has to cherish everything, if one wanted to make life worth living."

johnny911 wrote:It was in the middle of the night, on bitter, cloudy days.

What was in the middle of the night on bitter, cloudy days? People were taken? Playing Surrender? This needs clarification.

johnny911 wrote:I had to get home. My dirty brown hair had to be washed. I was freezing, too. I couldn’t look bad for the renaming. That didn’t sit well with the elders.

There needs to be a little switcheroo here: 'I had to get home. I was freezing. And my dirty brown hair had to be washed, too; I couldn’t look bad for the renaming. That wouldn’t sit well with the elders.'
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That's it. I'm sorry if my critique seemed harsh, I really did enjoy reading this and though it needs a little work I think it is really promising. Please PM me when you post more of this!!!

For that matter, please PM me if you have questions/comments about my review.

Hope this helps!!

~Azila~

This is brilliant, and very gripping.

I love the way you've introduced the main character and his situation, the switching of opinions at the beginning works great.

My only recommendations would be to read through this again to take out the easy mistakes, I think Azila has pointed most of them out. I think you could combine a few of the shorter sentences, use some punctuation to jazz them up. The overuse of short sentences often distracts the reader.

Also, I think using italics would really help with the issue of tenses. If you use italics to show what the character was thinking at that particular moment, it should stop them getting mixed up.

I can't wait for the next chapter, pm me when it's done.

Keep up the good work.

This is very good. It held me from the very beginning up to the last word. They've already pointed out all the mistakes, and even with them this was a very good piece.

I like how the conflicts within the character are introduced without pointing it out too much. I also like the way his emotions are hinted at. Overall this is fast-paced without losing the reader halfway through the story.

Can't wait to find out what happens next, so please let me know when you right out more of this. Thanks!