Quiet Alisa Chapter 2

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We walked out of the barn and headed towards the schools. We both

walked in silence. When we reached my school, Kevin walked me in and the

teacher, Mrs. Mills, asked why I was so late. Kevin looked at her with his

friendly eyes and said in his sweet voice, “Alisa was a little sick this

morning. We gave her some medicine and now she said she was fine.” He

looked at me with this fake smirk on his face and pulled me closer to him.

“Isn’t that right Alisa? You feel a whole lot better now.” Kevin asked.

“Yes, I feel so much better” I said concerned.

“Well come in and sit down before I pull the ruler out on you because you

were late!” said Mrs. Mills pulling me in.

She closed the door behind her and began to teach. Mrs. Mills was in her

early forties. She was pale with freckles everywhere with light brown curly

hair that was shoulder length. She was a heavy set woman with gray eyes

and was about 5 foot 5 inches high. She has been married to the same

man for almost 28 years! That means that she was married around 13

years old! Her husband, James Mills, was 26 years her senior. That’s usual

around here, old men marring young teen girls. The men can have as

many wives as they pleased. I pondered that thought for awhile, then

thought about what Kevin did to me earlier that morning. Ding, ding, ding,

ding. I woke up from my day dream when I heard the bells ring for school

to let out. I walked out to the steps of the school, when all of the sudden I

heard my name being shouted.

“Alisa! Alisa! Wait up!”

I turned around and saw Susan, my best friend, running towards me.

“Hey” she said huffing and puffing, “Why weren’t you here early this

morning for class?”

I looked at her and tried to say with a smile, “I was sick and took some

medicine and I felt all better.”

Susan knew I was lying about that. She was like the sister I always wanted.

People say that we can pass as real sisters, because we have similar

features. We both had long blonde hair, but you couldn’t see it because of

the bonnets. We both were the same height, have green eyes and silky

soft skin. Only difference is that Susan has some freckles.

“You’re lying Alisa. Tell me the truth. I can keep a secret.”

I pulled Susan behind the school building.

“You promise you won’t tell anybody? Not even your mother?”

“I promise Alisa. I won’t tell a soul.”

I believed her and told her about what happened in the barn.

“That’s nasty! You’re nasty! Why would you do that?” asked Susan with a

frown on her face.

“I didn’t want it to happen, it just did.”

“You’re lying! You brought this on to yourself!” screamed Susan.

“What?” I said confused.

“I have to go Alisa. Bye.”

Susan left and I stood there in disbelief. I slowly walked home and to my

surprise, nobody was there. I called out everyone’s name expect for Kevin.

When I stopped calling them, I went up the stairs heading towards my

room. When I opened the door I saw him standing there.

“Hey Alisa. I didn’t hear my name being called out.”

I just stared.

Didn’t say a single word.

Kevin jerked me inside my room, locked the door behind him and did the

same thing that he did in the barn, but he didn’t bother taking off my dress

and no rope. He just took off my underwear and lifted up my dress and

pulled his pants down.

“Hello, is anybody home?”

James came in through the kitchen and headed towards the stairs.

Before he could reach the first step, Kevin came running down pulling up his

pants.

I got up from the bed and listened to them from the crack of the door.

“Hey James. Where’s Elisa?”

James looked at him with curiosity. He was wondering why Kevin was acting

strange and twitchy.

“Elisha is outside with the chickens. Are you all right?”

“Yeah, I was just….. huh……changing my clothes.”

“Oh, where’s Alisa? Is she upstairs?”

“She’s in her room playing with her dolls” Kevin answered nervously.

“I need to talk to her for a minute” James said heading up the stairs. Kevin

blocked him and asked, “Can you wait? She doesn’t like to be disturbed.”

“Well, when she comes out, tell her I need to talk to her” asked James as

he turned around to go outside.

I heard Kevin coming up the stairs, so I hurried towards the bed. Kevin

came into the room. I was curled up in the bed with the covers over me

crying.

“I love you Alisa.”

That was all he said to me and left.
Don't send sheep to kill a wolf.




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Okay, your formatting was all weird again and it was very hard to read. You need to fix it up.

Anything I say would really just be repeating myself from chapter one. You still need more emotion. There were no spelling or grammar mistakes that I could see, but you haven't always put dialouge on a new line (probably a mistake due to weird fomatting).

I found this chapter a bit boring, maybe because it was short. There needs to be more conflict.
*Don't expect to see me around much in the next couple of weeks. School has started again, and it'll be a couple of weeks before I've settled in. If you've asked me for a critique, you will get it, but not for a little while. Sorry*




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This is a very, very disturbing storyline. I think that you should tone down the explicitness a little bit, because I almost wanted to gag as I read it. (Sorry for being harsh, but it's the truth) The premise is good, but how you present it makes me shudder. Also, it's too explicit, but it moves too fast. Work on that.

The characters are flat. There is no motive implied for Kevin's rape to Alisa. And also, a really good friend wouldn't just scream at Alisa and then run away. You have to have more conflicts in places. Alisa is beginning to be rounded, but that's it. Let her tell you what happened and you write it in HER words. Then if you are uncomfortable, tone it down.

Also, the spelling and grammar needs some serious works. Periods and commas are needed before an end quote and you need spell check.

Good premise, but the presentation is not very good.

Overall Grade: C-
And we'll be a dream...

"Dee Dubbleyou." - BigBadBear




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I know, I didn't like this story, that's why I stopped a very long time ago. But did you read Chapter 1? It did say that she was getting raped.
Don't send sheep to kill a wolf.



He who has a why to live for can bear with almost any how.
— Friedrich Nietzsche