What you said

2 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 36
You say to me that life is a breeze,
but mine has turned to a storm.
You say for me to take a break,
but this break has torn my arm.

You say for me to stop and chill,
but bodies do that in the ground.
You say that I should stop being stressed,
but I can't 'til I'm under a mound.

You say that you will never leave,
but my heart's still filled with dread.
You say all of these things to me,
but what have you truly said?
I like dragons and Koenma and dragons and L and dragons and Arystar Krory and randomness and, oh, did I mention dragons?

If you want Horace to win, put him in your siggy:
o.......O<#
. \o o/




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 4209
Reviews 389
Love the last line.:D

You say to me that life is a breeze,
but mine has turned to a storm.
You say for me to take a break,
but this break has torn my arm.


You can portray this anguish a lot better. Why does this person think your life is a breeze? What can't they see?

You say for me to stop and chill,
but bodies do that in the ground.
You say that I should stop being stressed,
but I can't 'til I'm under a mound


Again, you can portray this better. What is the urgency? Why are you so worried about chilling?

You say that you will never leave,
but my heart's still filled with dread.
You say all of these things to me,
but what have you truly said?


Again, nice ending, but seems to almost overdo you climax. We need more info in the body of the piece. :D:D:D:D:D:D
Other than that, I liked it. Keep writing :D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D
"How grateful we are that the heavens are indeed open, that the gospel of Jesus Christ has been restored, and that the Church is founded on the rock of revelation. We are a blessed people, with apostles and prophets upon the earth today."~ Thomas S. Monson



Do the right thing. It will gratify some people and astonish the rest.
— Mark Twain