Hearts and Swirls Chapter 1

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“Give it back you twerps!" I yelled as my twin brothers snatched up my diary.

“Give it back you twerps." They mimicked in a high pitched voice. I lunged at them but all I got was a handful of hair.

“I swear if you don't give it back I'll... I'll..."

"You'll what?" They asked as they skidded to a stop.

I thought a second. Then finally I said, “I will smash your Ipods with a jackhammer."

“You wouldn’t! Said Sal (one of my twin brothers).

“You bet I will!" I said back.

“No, what Sal meant was you really won't smash our Ipods because we have them in our pockets." my other brother Hal said. Then they both reached into their pockets and pulled out their Ipods.

“Oh, then I'll just have to uh... uh... I'll just have to cut my hair really short and say you two did it, then mom and dad will ground you until it grows all the way back!" I said triumphantly.

“We dare you to do it!" They both said. I thought if this was a good idea then I realized, heck yeah this was a good idea. I will just wear a hat on my head till my hair grows back, and at that same time my brothers will be bored to death sitting on their floor with a pillow and a quilt. So with that I grabbed a pair of scissors and took some hair in one hand, then snipped my hair off up to the bottom of my ears. (My hair was long enough that I could sit on it.) My brothers gasped as my hair fell to the ground. I got myself to cry, ran downstairs to face my parents. When I downstairs my mom and dad where sitting at the kitchen table eating breakfast.

“Momma, Daddy look what those twerps did to my hair!" I cried. My parent eyes widened and my dad dropped his pipe into his cereal in astonishment.

“Jenny what... what happened?” My mom asked.

“Those two twerps cut my hair while I was asleep!" I wept. "Ok... ok... we will just go get extensions." My mom said.

“I want my real hair, I cried, not fake!"

“Then let your hair grow out and we will ground the boys till it is down to your back again, ok?" My dad said.

“Ok Dad, as long as they get grounded.” I said trying to sound as sad as possible.

“Don’t worry sweetheart they will get a horrible punishment." replied my dad.

“Ok, thanks you two." I said as I turned around to head back upstairs, head hanging, and fake tears hitting the linoleum floor. I stomped back upstairs and into my room my brothers where still standing in the same spot, with their jaws dropped, and their eyes fixed on the pile of blondish-brown hair.

I turned and looked at them then I said, “Told you I would do it, so ha!” They just stared at me. Then they started laughing.

“Why are you laughing? You guys do know you are grounded till my hair grows back! “The laughing stopped. They looked at each other, then at me, and started laughing more.

“What are you two laughing at?” I demanded.

Then Sal said, “You know how long that is going to take?”

“No, how long?” I replied desperately.

“Around another fourteen years.” Hal said. I could feel tears stinging my eyes. (I was fourteen now) I ran back down stairs.

I looked my mother square in the eyes. Then I asked, “Can I go get extensions?”

My mom was silent for a second and then said, “Of course you can.” I hugged her and gave her the phone.

My mom dialed the number of the best hair dresser in NYC why does the most amazing synthetic hair attachments.

Becky, the new intern, answered the phone, my mom told her the situation, and she told my mom that if we hurry in tomorrow Ricardo could squeeze us in. Can you believe that!

So I grabbed the phone and yelled into little miss Becky’s ear, “You listen here Jenny Claiborne daughter of Liz Claiborne does not get squeezed into anywhere to do anything, people cancel their appointments with Ricardo if they hear I am coming that day, GOT IT?!?”

Little miss Becky had the gut to reply, “Yes ma’am, whatever you say ma’am, right away…uh ma’am.”

"Thank you Becky, next time however I hope you will be more understanding, so see you tomorrow at 7:00 a.m. sharp, goodbye.” “Good bye ma’am”

Becky said back sounding as if the big bad wolf was standing at the other side of the phone ready to bite her little head off if she didn’t do what it said.
Last edited by Kitty on Thu Dec 13, 2007 3:01 am, edited 1 time in total.




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That was very hard to read. Your formatting needs work. Not only have you not double-spaced, you've barely got paragraphs. Take a look at this:

"Give it back you twerps!" I yelled as my twin brothers snatched up my diary. "Give it back you twerps." They mimicked in a high pitched voice. I lunged at them but all I got was a handful of hair. "I swear if you don't give it back I'll... I'll..." "You'll what?" They asked as they skidded to a stop. I thought a second. Then finally I said, "I will smash your Ipods with a jackhammer." "You wouldn"t! Said Sal (one of my twin brothers). "You bet I will!" I said back. "No, what Sal meant was you really won't smash our Ipods because we have them in our pockets." my other brother Hal said. Then they both reached into their pockets and pulled out their Ipods. "Oh, then I'll just have to uh... uh... I'll just have to cut my hair really short and say you two did it, then mom and dad will ground you until it grows all the way back!" I said triumphantly.


Try this-

"Give it back you twerps!" I yelled as my twin brothers snatched up my diary.

"Give it back you twerps," they mimicked in a high pitched voice. I lunged at them but all I got was a handful of hair.

"I swear if you don't give it back I'll... I'll..."

"You'll what?" they asked as they skidded to a stop.

I thought a second. Then finally I said, "I will smash your Ipods with a jackhammer."

"You wouldn"t! said Sal.

"You bet I will!" I said back.

"No, what Sal meant was you really won't smash our Ipods because we have them in our pockets," my other brother Hal said. Then they both reached into their pockets and pulled out their Ipods.

"Oh, then I'll just have to uh... uh... I'll just have to cut my hair really short and say you two did it, then mom and dad will ground you until it grows all the way back!" I said triumphantly.


Wasn't that a whole lot easier to read?

I also found a lot more issues with this piece. It was very simple, and frankly, a little boring. No offence, but it needs a lot of work. If you wold like me to crit more or after editing, just PM me, but don't expect any crits until you've fixed up your formatting. People don't like reading a lump of text like this.
*Don't expect to see me around much in the next couple of weeks. School has started again, and it'll be a couple of weeks before I've settled in. If you've asked me for a critique, you will get it, but not for a little while. Sorry*




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Hi Kitty! Here are my comments:


"You wouldn’t! Said Sal
Try this: "You wouldn’t!" said Sal.



brother Hal said.
Try: brother, Hal, said.


my dad dropped his pipe into his cereal in astonishment.
LOL!


So with that I grabbed a pair of scissors and took some hair in one hand, then snipped my hair off up to the bottom of my ears.
Would someone really do that in that situation? They could just tell their parents.


My parent eyes
I think this should be plural. Try:

"My parents' eyes" the reason for this is because there are two parents there and the eyes belong to more than one person.


back! “The laughing
you mean: back!" The laughing


“You listen here Jenny
Try: “You listen here! Jenny


goodbye.” “Good bye ma’am”
try:
goodbye.”

“Good bye ma’am”


I hope this helps and best of luck to you!


:D


Firearris
[Griffinkeeper] 10:45 pm: The guard appears "We have weasels now!"
[Firearris] 10:45 pm: askes the guard for the weasel!
[Griffinkeeper] 10:45 pm: The guard gives Firearris the Weasel.
[Firearris] 10:46 pm: aquires the weasel and renames it "Cat"

Take that, Lumi.



¯\_(ツ)_/¯
— Someone Incredibly Noncommittal