Quiet Alisa- Chapter 1

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“What is your name?” the policeman asked me.
“My name is Alisa Johnson, sir.”
The policeman stared at me and thought that I was just another 17 year old runaway.
“Why were you walking around in the middle of the night by yourself and where are your parents?” I looked around the office and saw his medals, certificates, and family pictures.
“Did you hear me young lady? I really want an answer.”
I looked at him and started crying. “Why are you crying? Did somebody do something to you?” I got up and turned my back to him and I unzipped my dress from the back to reveal the many scars, bruises, and whip lashes.
“Who did this to you?” asked the policeman who felt sorry for me.
I sat down and I tried to get myself together.
“Take your time and try to start from the beginning” said the policeman handing me a tissue.
All at once, the horrible memoires came back to me.

On July 17, 1997, I turned 8 years old. I was happy, but I knew I was not going to have a party because around here girls don’t have birthday parties. You probably think that I live in India or some other part of the world. No. I live in Colorado, just north of Denver. We live between mountains away from all the cities. We have no telephones, cars, computers, or any other kind of technology. The girls have to wear dresses at all times and the boys have to wear pants and a shirt. The girls hair had to be wrapped up in a bun and covered. You probably think that we are Amish, no. The Amish and us believe in different things. The Amish believe that there is a God and we don’t. We believe in many gods. They don’t believe in beating on their wives when they are out of place. Not us. The one thing that we do have in common is that once you are born in this community, we don’t want you to leave.
I was getting ready for school when my mom and dad were going to work in the fields. The fields were a mile away, so they packed up the horse cart and began to ride there. While they were gone, my brothers, Kevin, 16, James, 14, Elisha, 10, and I had to dress and feed ourselves. When I was gathering my books for school upstairs, Kevin called me.
“Alisa, come to the kitchen. I have a very big birthday present for you.”
I was happy and at the same time stunned that he would recognize my birthday. T didn’t even know that he remembered. I ran down stairs to see my surprise. When I went into the kitchen, I saw my brothers there.
“James, Elisha, go to school. I want to talk to her alone, said Kevin waving them off.
“She has to go to school” Elisha said at the door.
“I will take her to school don’t worry about it”
They left and it was only my big brother and I in the house. “So, Kevin what is the surprise?” I asked happily.
“Well, Alisa, you are getting older, and you deserve big presents.”
“Will I be surprised? Is it an animal or maybe some food?” I asked.
“You were close with food, but it’s not food that you eat; it’s like food for the soul.”
“What do you mean?” I hesitated.
“Take my hand and I will give you a surprise that you will never forget.”
I took his hand and took me outside.
I had always looked up to Kevin. He was trustworthy, respectful, kind, and he always protect me from bullies at school. I loved him with all my heart. I loved him way more than my mom or dad. We walked towards the barn that was behind our house. Kevin opened the door and told me to go in. I went in and grabbed a lantern. I lit it and I didn’t see anything that I haven’t seen before. All I saw was hay, hay, and more hay and some gardening tools. Kevin closed the big barn doors behind him slowly and walked over to me. He put his big pale hands on my shoulders and stared down at me with his big blue eyes.
“Ready for your present?” he asked tightening his grip on my shoulders.
“Yes, I guess. Where is it?” I asked looking around and putting on a smile, but I felt a little timid.
“This is going to feel weird, but trust me, it will be all right Alisa.”
Kevin grabbed my hand and headed towards some hay that was laid out on the ground. He sat me down on it and started kissing me on my lips. I felt so scared because I didn’t know what was going on. I felt his tongue in my mouth as he kissed me and that was what made me push him off of me.
“What are you doing Kevin?” I asked with questionable eyes.
“Just relax Alisa. It will feel all right in a moment” he said as he began to bend over and kiss me again.
Before Kevin touched me with his lips again I stopped him and that was my mistake. He forced my hands down and started kissing me on my neck. I started kicking and screaming at him. Kevin got up and grabbed a robe from the wall. I was so scared I couldn’t get myself up and try to run out of there. Kevin came towards me and tied my hands together then tied the rope on a pole behind me. I couldn’t break free. After he made sure that it was tight, he started to undress me. Kevin unbuttoned my dress and slid it off of me. Then he kissed me from my bellybutton up to my training bra and stopped. He unhooked my bra, threw it and started sucking on my nipples. I pleaded him to stop, but Kevin won’t listen. He started to unbutton his shirt and unzipping his pants. He threw them behind him, leaving him in his underwear and socks. Kevin took his socks off, then, all of a sudden, Kevin revealed his manhood. I started crying uncontrollably. He covered my mouth with his big hands and bent over to kiss me on the forehead.
“I love you Alisa” he claimed in a soft voice.
Kevin grabbed my underwear and ripped it off of me. Before I could scream for him to stop, he entered me with hard thrusts. The more I screamed, the more Kevin pumped harder. After minutes that seemed like hours pasted, Kevin finally stopped, got up and went to put in his clothes. When he was finished, he took a shear from the wall and cut me loose. As I rubbed my waist, Kevin looked at me with evil in his eyes.
“If you tell anybody about what happened, this will be covered with your blood” he said holding up the shear.
I agreed not to say anything, but I felt so violated.
“Put your clothes on Alisa and let’s go.”
I slowly gathered my things and put them back on.[url]
Last edited by blacktiger3915 on Tue Dec 11, 2007 3:22 am, edited 1 time in total.
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This was an interesting beginning, im intrigued about the people and their way of life - so i want to read more! But here are my suggestions:

“What is your name?” the policeman asked me.
“My name is Alisa Johnson, sir.”
The policeman stared at me and thought that I was just another 17 year old runaway.
“Why were you walking around in the middle of the night by yourself and where are your parents?” I looked around the office and saw his medals, certificates, and family pictures.
“Did you hear me young lady? I really want an answer.”
I looked at him and started crying. “Why are you crying? Did somebody do something to you?” I got up and turned my back to him and I unzipped my dress from the back to reveal the many scars, bruises, and whip lashes.
“Who did this to you?” asked the policeman who felt sorry for me.
I sat down and I tried to get myself together.
“Take your time and try to start from the beginning” said the policeman handing me a tissue.
All at once, the horrible memoires came back to me.


-Here you stated what the policeman was thinking, I don't think it sounded right, maybe the policeman was shocked, appauled at her- but we were told he felt sorry or her...maybe make it more ambiguous?

T didn’t even know


- I

I did like thie piece, but I think you told it quite simly, like he did this and she did that, you also changed tenses a couple of times here and there. Try to make it more descriptive, show us the story instead of just saying it?

I look forward to reading more!

Meevs
x
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This is a bit too graphic to be PG-13. I would suggest rating it up to R.

And perhaps space out the paragraphs? They're rather daunting when all blocked together...




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Wow, that was kinda freaky and creepy.

I liked the starting, I really liked the starting.
Your writing is good. Cannot wait to hear more!

-- M.B.Author
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I like what you're writing, but I'm having trouble with the way you're writing it. A story like this is hard to pull off, and quite frankly, you're not doing an amazing job.

First of all, please double space. It is very annoying when people don't.

Second, emotion. A story like this needs to be filled with emotion. You haven't done that. Sure, she's kicking and screaming, but what's the point in telling us that? The best writers don't need to describe what's going on, because they describe what the character is feeling. Take this section, for example-

Kevin grabbed my hand and headed towards some hay that was laid out on the ground. He sat me down on it and started kissing me on my lips. I felt so scared because I didn't know what was going on. I felt his tongue in my mouth as he kissed me and that was what made me push him off of me.


Try this-

Kevin sat me down on some hay that looked as if he had laid it down perfectly. My throat began to feel tight, and I started sweating as he kissed me softly on the lips.

He continued, and angry rose up in my chest. I tried to get him to stop, but I was too weak. I was only eight, I didn't know what was going on. Hot tears began making their way out of my eyes, stinging my cheeks.

Kevin pushed his tounge into my mouth, and, sobbing, I found the strength to push him off me.


It's not the best, but there's more emotion.

Also, you say it's her eighth birthday, and then you say she's wearing a bra. Now, I don't know of any eight year olds who wear bras. I also think that Alisa reacted too quickly. She seems to have lived a sheltered lifestyle, and I don't think she would know about sex or rape.

If you fix this up or post more, PM me so I can crit again.
*Don't expect to see me around much in the next couple of weeks. School has started again, and it'll be a couple of weeks before I've settled in. If you've asked me for a critique, you will get it, but not for a little while. Sorry*




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i think the story was well thought out and look forward to reading more of it.
however there are some problems i have with it mainly detail. but as far as it goes i think you should write more ....so i can read. it's awesome




:lol:



Poems were like people. Some people you got right off the bat. Some people you just don't get - and never would get.
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