What really Happened To Humpety Dumpety?

Hi, I am Hamper Snamper and I'd like to tell you about what happened to my grandson Humpety Dumpety. Well, it all started about when he was apprenticed to a welder... He was just about to weld a horse shoe when just as Humpety Dumpety was bringing down the hammer, his master walked in with his lunch and yelled at him for not hitting the horse shoe rythmicly!

humpety Dumpety slipped and brought his hand into the heat of the fire! Humpety Dumpety waved his hand up in the air pain searing through his arm, catching his shirt on fire as well. With a scream he ran from the building and out toward the lake. The lake was settled between two hills with the walders shop across te bridge that went over the chasm. He was almost there when he slipped again and with another scream quickly rolled down the hill toward the cliff. He just managed to stop himself before he would have plunged 1000 feet to a rocky death.

He was just about to get up when he heard a scream from the top of the hill. His cousin Jill had tumbled down the hill! She fell down and knocked Humpety Dumpety of the cliff to his rocky death below. He still had one more chance to survive, for he was not dead, but slowly dying. All the kings horse's, (and all the king's men) were rounding the corner. But instead of helping him they just laughed at the simpleton lying in the road, and left him to die. Alas, but that is what happened to humpety dumpety the 1st.


Be as critical as you like, this was my first post after all

Hi! This was pretty good for a first post. It had some nice ideas and was surprisingly grammatically sound, considering your age. Something is a bit off with the formatting, however. Here are some examples:

all started about when he was apprenticed to a welder...... he was just about to weld a horse shoe when just as humpety dumpety was bringing dowwn the hammer his master walked in with his lunch and yelled at him for not doing it right!

he
slipped and brought his hand into

There should be two lines between the paragraphs, and "he" alone in the middle of a sentence shouldn't be a new paragraph. the formatting changes a bit when you are just typing it into the window, so I can see how that happened on a first post.

There is a lot of information cooped up in a small space here, and it could use quite a bit more description. You know, when he saw jill falling towards him, what were his thoughts? Maybe elaborate on the fact that this was Jill, Jack's brother, and not just his cousin. I would also axe out the bit when you were introducing yourself as hamper snamper, and change it so its actually from the viewpoint of humpty dumpty. (Even though that part made me laugh).

Work on your capitialization, and try to add a bit of dialogue. definitely more description as well, so its not just choppy little sentences describing how this happened, and then this happened.

Don't take these to harshly, I think you did a very good job on your first story, and I can see a comical side coming through.. If you have any other work you'd like me to critique, PM me.

Good Luck!

I won't mix words, I didn't like it much. I can see you have some talent but this writing doesn't reflect it.

1. The pacing is off. It goes=

Thing that happened to HD > the result of that > the result of that...

That is boring, and while it leads one thing into another easily, it isn't good writing. Good writing takes pauses and jumps around a little. I don't see that here.

2. No description

Every word in your story is action. Action is good, but it can't stand alone. You need to describe the setting and what is happening to your character

3. Show, don't tell

This is simple but a big deal. You tell us what happened to HD, but you don't show us. I.e., let me see HD. Wouldn't you rather see a concert than be told about it?

4. Beggining and end

Look at your first and last sentence. They introduce and close what happened. That isn't good for Fiction. For Fiction, start with action, end with emotion. You aren't trying to prove a point, so you don't need to tell us what your point is. That is what you did with these sentences.

Overall, I didn't like it, but that's me. You're only ten after all, and though I don't judge people by age, you really aren't old enough to have really develpoed a talent for writing. Stick with it, because all you need to be a writer is dedacation.

Hope I wasn't too harsh!

yep. pretty good for a fisrt pice. you have some real talent there!!

like the others said, you might want to stretch it out a bit, and showing IS a big key. i'm still learning it...>.> (shh, don't tell anyone...) but, keep up the good work.

~enjeru

hehe, that was cute. ^^ Could you a little work. It seemed more like a list then a story, but we're not all perfect right? Work on putting descriptions and grabbers and it would be GREAT! =D You should write 'The True Story To...' books for kids. I'd pick up everyone.

But like I said, more description and try to not make it a list. And don't forget the grabbers. The first few sentences are always the /MOST/ important. Don't slack on them.

Pretty good! I love the whole re-writing fairy tales idea. The first thing I ever wrote outside of school was a re-telling of Little Red Riding Hood, so the whole concept is sort of special to me.

As everyone else said, you need some more detail. For example, near the beginning of the piece, you say that Humpety Dumpety was hammering a horseshoe when his master came in and yelled at him. You could put in details about how he was hammering the horseshoe, what his master said when he yelled, and that sort of thing. Right now, it seems more like you're just giving a summary of something that happened, rather than telling a story.

I like the idea of having the story being told from the point of view of Humpety Dumpety's grandfather. If you flesh that out a bit, you could have a really unique spin on this well-known story! Maybe you can give Hamper Snamper a little bit more depth as a character. What kind of grandfather was he? Did he blame someone for his grandson's death? If so, you might want to include that in the story. Something like "It was all that no-good master's fault! I knew my grandson should never have been apprenticed to him!" or "That son-in-law of mine has always been trouble, and now he's gone and gotten my grandson killed by apprenticing him to a scoundrel!" or whatever.

A few other things:

All the kings horses, (and all the kings men)

You need apostrophes for the "kings," since they're possessive. In other words, it should be:

All the king's horses (and all the king's men)

(You also don't need the comma you have in your original version of this bit.)

bringing dowwn the hammer

I assume this is a typo. It should be "down" with one W.

...that is what happened to humpety dumpety the 2nd.

This part confused me, because there's no mention of a Humpety Dumpety the First. If the Humpety Dumpety in your story is not the original Humpety Dumpety, you should either mention that earlier in the story, or else not mention it at all. (You also forgot to capitalize Humpety Dumpety here.)

Sorry if I sound too harsh or nit-picky here. Overall, I think this has some good potential! Let me know if you ever revise this, or if you ever need another critique or anything, feel free to PM me!

~logosgal

P.S. Just FYI, it's traditionally spelled "Humpty Dumpty," with no E's. I'm not too worried about it, since you're rewriting the traditional story anyway, but I just thought you should know.

yeah i wanted to purposely spell it wrong to make my story a little different