Santa's Snow Globe

9 posts
User avatar
Gender Male
Points 7740
Reviews 713
I wrote this for a contest. It's a flash fiction.
__________

“So, what do you want for Christmas?”

It only took one look at the fat, bearded man for the young girl to start crying. It started out as more of a moan, and then it transformed into a long and horrible cry. The young girl’s mother rushed to the scene, trying to get her to shut up and take the photo.

As she came over, she grabbed her daughter’s hand and said, “Now, Hannah, let’s take a picture with Santa! How does that sound, darling?” Hannah continued to cry, refusing to take an acceptable picture.

“Ho, ho, ho!” Santa cried, putting on his jolly smile, but deep inside this kid bugged him more than any others. Why did they always cry? He wasn’t that terribly bad looking…was he?

Carol, his elf, held out a brightly colored furry stick and tickled Hannah’s cheek. The girl looked taken aback; her eyes went wide and her face grew more frightened. Carol looked annoyed and walked back to the camera.
“Smile!” she said and snapped the photo.

***

“About time,” Mark the mall Santa said, as he stepped into the bathroom. He quickly walked up to the urinal and did his business. Mark’s Santa suit became terribly hot as he was sitting there with kid after kid being placed on his all ready sore knee. Not what he needed after his tobogganing trip. His brother had recommended that he needed to get out and take a little vacation. Reluctantly, Mark agreed and so the trip was set. Ryan, Mark’s extroverted brother, pushed him down on the toboggan and Mark was sent flying down the rolling hills, snow splashing in his face and the wind whipping through his hair. Definitely not what a fifty-four year old man needed.

After Mark had finished using the bathroom, he skipped using the sink and went straight out of the room. Pulling off his Santa hat, a little boy stared wide-eyed at him.

“I knew it! He’s a fake!”

***

Mark stepped out of the store named Build-A-Bear. The idiotic people had offered that their store should be the place that they would set up the platform for unruly kids to torture one man into lying that he was Santa. Yeah, Mark thought. What idiots.

With a snow globe in his hand, Mark tucked his bag full of his Santa’s clothes under his arm. He was now dressed in a white T-shirt and jeans; perfectly acceptable in society.

He glanced at his newly bought snow globe; a gift for his nephew, Steven. The young rascal had begged until he was red in the face for the stupid snow globe. The five year old was one of those kids that got everything they wanted. With another glance at the snow globe, he smirked.

The forest that surrounded the mall was dark. Snow covered every tree, and the wind blew through them. Mark shivered. Bringing only a T-shirt wasn’t the smartest idea he had ever had. He roamed the parking lot, searching for his blue Sedan. Mark walked by an older couple, awkwardly looking at his summer attire.

At last, Mark spotted his small car, and unlocked his door. Just as he was opening it, his foot stepped on a slate of ice and he slipped. Throwing his bag of clothes and the snow globe into the air, he went down, flailing his arms. Mark landed with a big crack on the ground, and groaned. Painfully glancing down, he noticed that he had cracked the ice.

Shaking his head, he stood up shakily. His old knees were struggling to keep him up and steady. Mark bent down to pick up the bag, and then gasped. The snow globe was gone! Where was it?

And then he heard the growl. His head jerked up to the forest, just inches away from his car. There was the snow globe, but that wasn’t what surprised him. There was a big, brown bear staring right back at him.

His heart jumped and he stumbled backwards. The bear stuck its head out of the trees and growled again. The snow globe was stuck in a pile of snow, and the bear slowly walked forward, and stopped when it reached the sphere.

“No!” Mark muttered, “Please don’t ruin the gift! Please!” The bear looked up and growled. It put its dominating paw on top of the globe. Mark’s eyes widened. The bear seemed to smirk, and then it rolled the snow globe into the forest, and it followed closely behind it.

“No!” Mark cried, and he threw himself at the bear. It swiftly turned its head and roared. Mark gasped in surprise and the bear stood up on its hind legs. Mark jerked backwards, towards his car. The bear roared again, and it fell to the ground with a big bang.

Mark, screaming, scrambled up and dashed around his car, the bear at his feet. The monster of an animal didn’t think that it was unprotected out of its home, because it roared again, stunning all mall shoppers.

It would have been comical, Mark thought, if he had seen this in a movie. But not here. Not in real life. This couldn’t be happening.

He couldn’t run at all. His stupid toboggan ride had totally bruised his knees and legs, and he couldn’t take anymore of the pressure. Mark looked back and ducked; the bear hurled itself at the fake Santa. The bear flew over Mark and landed hard, on its side. Mark looked sideways, and saw that the bear was totally immobilized. It couldn’t move even if it wanted to.

I didn’t do it, Mark thought, and threw himself into his Sedan, totally forgetting about the snow globe. Before anyone could question him, he was out of the mall parking lot, and headed back home.


***

Any comments would be much appreciated!
Just write -- the rest of life will follow.

Would love help on this.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 516
Haha! That was really funny.

I couldn't find any mistakes, but there were a couple of bits that bugged me a bit.

trying to get her to shut up and take the photo.


Maybe if this was an older sibling the 'shut up' bit would be appropriate, but even though it's in third person, it doesn't seem right if you're talking about the girls' mother. Unless she wasn't a very caring mother, in which case the sentiment would be fine.

the bear hurled itself at the fake Santa.


Seeing as he's not in his Santat costume (or I highly doubt he is) I don't think you should call him a fake Santa. Now, he's just a normal man.

Overall it was a very good story and I really liked it.
*Don't expect to see me around much in the next couple of weeks. School has started again, and it'll be a couple of weeks before I've settled in. If you've asked me for a critique, you will get it, but not for a little while. Sorry*




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 247
Wow.

This was very random and wonderful. It reminds me of the time we took my little sisters to the mall to see Santa. When we got the picture back, "Santa" had this insanely-creepy deranged smile.

It's an interesting Christmas story, very satiric about Santa. Your writing just keeps getting better and better. It's funny and it flows well, and your characters are very believable.

My only complaint is the paragraph about his tobaggan trip. It wasn't poorly written, but it seems out of context. The reader wants to be in the moment with Mark, not with his random brother on a random sledding fiasco. You can get rid of that paragraph easily.

The ending reminded me of a modern-day Brother Bear. Did you see that movie? Probably.

Anyway, very good, as always. Keep up the good work!
"Hey look! A black shooting star!"

"That's no star...that's Fangala!"




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 7740
Reviews 713
Uh...how did it remind you of Brother Bear? That's strange. Not how I would put the ending...
Just write -- the rest of life will follow.

Would love help on this.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 247
Because the bear stole something, and then the guy got all angry and went crazy...um, yeah. I guess I make weird connections.
"Hey look! A black shooting star!"

"That's no star...that's Fangala!"




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 3
This made me smile! Cynicism at Xmas is always great... I wonder if there could be more added to the story - I was left wanting to know what happened to the little boy's snow globe... Although leaving your audience wanting more is a skill, I guess!




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 83957
Reviews 1464
Heylo! ^_^

The young girl’s mother rushed to the scene, trying to get her to shut up and take the photo.


No mother would tell her daughter to 'shut-up'. She'd try to get her daughter to 'settle down' though. :wink:

“About time,” Mark the mall Santa said, as he stepped into the bathroom.


Delete that comma. ^_^

The idiotic people had offered that their store should be the place that they would set up the platform for unruly kids to torture one man into lying that he was Santa.


Run-on. ^_^ The idiotic people offered their store as the place for unruly kids to torture a man who lied about being Santa. << better, though could be improved.

At last, Mark spotted his small car, and unlocked his door.


I'd delete comma. ^_^

flailing his arms.


His arms flailing. I don't think he flails his arms on purpose. =/

Mark landed with a big crack on the ground, and groaned.


Delete comma. ^_^

The snow globe was stuck in a pile of snow, and the bear slowly walked forward, and stopped when it reached the sphere.


Run-on. The snow glove was stuck in the snow. The bear slowly walked forward and stopped in front of the globe, reaching to pick it up.

Mark jerked backwards, towards his car.


Delete comma. Mark jerked backwards toward his car.

home, because it roared again


Delete that comma. ^_^

The bear flew over Mark and landed hard, on its side.


Delete comma. ^_^

Mark looked sideways, and saw that the bear was totally immobilized.


Delete comma. ^_^

Lol, that was funny, especially in the beginning. XD Priceless. Reminds me of Homer Simpson. =/ Very good job with it! ^_^

Jabber, the One and Only!
I make my own policies.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 71
lol!
this was really funny.
I wonder why the bear would want the snowglobe?
lol
I liked it!
keep writing!
Visit my blog anytime!
weblog.php?w=871




User avatar
Gender None specified
Points 1419
Reviews 161
Merry C bbb, I'll start off with a line-by-line.

“So, what do you want for Christmas?”

It only took one look at the fat, bearded man for the young girl to start crying.


lol. I love a start with humor. :D

It started out as more of a moan, and then it transformed into a long and horrible cry.


A minor quibble, but that sentence could do without the 'it'. Less is more, compadre.

“Ho, ho, ho!” Santa cried, putting on his jolly smile, but deep inside, this kid bugged him more than any others. Why did they always cry? He wasn’t that terribly bad looking…was he?


Could do with a comma after inside.

Carol, his elf, held out a brightly colored furry stick and tickled Hannah’s cheek. The girl looked taken aback; her eyes went wide and her face grew more frightened.


Maybe swap face, with 'expression'?

all ready sore knee.


(sp) all ready = already

After Mark had finished using the bathroom, he skipped using the sink and went straight out of the room. Pulling off his Santa hat, a little boy stared wide-eyed at him.

“I knew it! He’s a fake!”


XD

Excuse my nit-pickyness. I like my words.:)

I likey. It definitely has that Christmas aspect to it and I feel for the poor man. Nice touches of randomness also help.
Definitely an entertaining read. :)



Dogs love their friends and bite their enemies, quite unlike people, who are incapable of pure love and always have to mix love and hate.
— Sigmund Freud