A Fool's Hope

Ah, so interesting, Twitter.

You’ve got me hooked so easily. How traumatic. ^^ I separated this into two parts. The first consisting of your first three chapters, and the second of your last three. I’m afraid I’ve only got the first part for you right now; uni is trying to kill me. So I apologies for this taking so long to get to you, it’s a failing on my part, time restrictions. ^^

This kept me so engaged, although it took a minute to get into it, and it just flowed from there on. Easy to slip from one page to the next. You have a good handle on the events and you obviously understand the world you have created. I’ll tell you now; I found very few things to pick out here, not just because I zipped through it like a greedy piggy, so I could devour all the narrative I could. ^^ You’ve obviously taken on the comments of those who have read it, and self edited yourself.

You use cliff hangers well. Perhaps this is just because I was cut off at chapter three this time, but I really do want to read more. However, the feeling of left hanging isn’t there. It’s a solid, concrete movement into the next chapter, while keeping the murky feeling of wanting to know what comes next.

You have an interesting writing style, I’m not sure as yet if that’s making any negative effects on my reading, but I am enjoying your syntax and sentence structure.

I should have the last three chapters done for you soon. Apologies once again on the lateness.

*Hearts* Le Penguin.

– chapter four.

‘But the again,’ I interrupted Mav. ‘He might not be. Who thinks there’s a third option?’

“Then”

Chapter five.

Fal, I don’t care if they’ve murdered Valiad and Charana both! Take your squadron and teleported and get there now! Scramble!

“teleport”


“a space of ground with the grass clipped very short and somewhat scorched in places”

Could be re-worded somewhat, feels a little stilted.

“Some teleporters manage to loose passengers on the way, but Las’uthran was one of the best.“

“lose”

“The twelve winged horse turned and began their run up.”

“Horses”?

“. I watched the gallop up the grassy slope behind, building up enough speed to take flight.”

“Them” gallop?

“I yelled with her, my eyes and mouth wide open as the red-crest’s blew on the wind into my face and burned my skin.”

- Is this meant to be “red-crests” or “red-crest’s – something-“? It
doesn’t seem to make sense, as is.

“We were in one of the less damaged duns, along with sqaud leaders Gwyn’bre and T’shaa, with their flight leaders.”

- “squad”

You mention red-crests a lot, by the last mention I’m confused about whether or not you mean one person in particular or all the Sersuran. – I just re-read it for the third time and it makes sense now. But perhaps you could look at that, anyway? Just a little look. ^^

Chapter six:

“The prisoners were both very battered and blood-stained.”

I almost feel as though the “very” here need to be repeated before “blood-stained” or needs to go. I think it’s the “both” that is throwing me off.

“‘We couldn’t do that!’ I was shocked. ‘We just couldn’t! Not force the information from his mind!’”

But has no issue with a low number of prisoners. How very sweet of him. ^^

“I felt the thickness of the rough skin under his fingers”
Under whose fingers? O.o

Oh, I’m so interested in this. xD

Keep writing. ^^ I think your sentence structure needs work sometimes, but that can all be attributed to how the characters talk, and the narrators voice. I’m really enjoying this, though! Once again, I’m sorry it took me so long to get this to you. ><

Hit me up when you have more! I’d love to read it. ^^

*Hearts* Le Penguin.

Chapter Seven

‘Heigh ho, heigh ho, it’s off to work we go.’ –The Seven Dwarfs

I rocked on my feet impatiently outside Resek’myr’s quarters. The cold wind whipped down my neck and through my ulster. How much longer are they going to be? I wondered. How long did it take for me to swear the oath and get all the papers sorted out? I couldn’t remember. Dai had been in there with the Base Captain for what seemed like hours.

Huddling down in my coat in an attempt to keep warm, I tore my gaze away from Resek’myr’s door and instead looked out over the Base. A little further away from Resek’myr’s hut was a row of long, low wooden buildings – the officers’ quarters, the ordinary troopers’ quarters and the messes. My gaze drifted over the landing field, a spread blanket of green-brown grass clipped short and clean. The ragged peak of Carraig Éanä rose dark and somehow comforting in the distance; a reminder that home was not that far away.

You are impossible, Codahüti said in exasperation. When you were at home, you were itching to get out onto the Base. Now you’re here, you want to go home!

I don’t want to go home! It’s just nice knowing that it’s there – and that I can go back if I want to.

I know that, stultissow.

I heard the door open behind me and quickly turned to see Resek’myr and Dai coming out. Base Captain Resek’myr was short but stocky, with a face that seemed longer than his body was. The studs on his jerkin gleamed in the weak sunlight.

‘Hou, Fal’edhen,’ he greeted me.

‘Hou saraigh. Is Dai finished?’

‘Sa.’ He nodded to Dai. ‘Just get yourself kitted out and meet your beast. Then you’re ready to fly. Get yourself prepared for when we move to Carathara.’ He smiled for the first time.

‘Lyres mur ras, saraigh.’ Dai saluted, three fingers of his left hand tapped on his opposite shoulder. Resek’myr returned the salute and went back inside his quarters.

‘Come on,’ I said to Dai. ‘Your uniform’s in your hut.’

‘Where do you sleep?’ he asked, falling into step beside me.

‘There.’ I jerked a thumb at the first row of huts we passed. ‘Officers in there. We get our own rooms, but only the Base Captain and Air Commander get their own huts. Here’s the troopers’ quarters.’ I pushed open the door and led the way in. Rows of wooden double bunks were set against the low, white washed walls. The floor was covered with fresh new rushes and the whole place smelt sweet and clean.

‘Where is everyone?’ Dai asked.

‘Out,’ I replied. ‘Exercising and things. Here, I got you the bunk by the window.’ I went over to it and thumped the heather stuffed mattress. ‘You’re on top, and Odhran’s going to be sleeping under you. He’ll help if you need anything when I’m not around.’

Dai put his satchel on the bed. ‘Fal,’ he said hesitantly. ‘I don’t want you to think that I’m not grateful for all this – I really am. Only I don’t want…’

‘What?’

Dai’s pale face flushed in embarrassment. ‘I don’t want you to… make me a favourite, just because I’m your friend.’

I poked him in the shoulder. ‘I’m not making you a favourite, aswon. I’m just looking out for you. I’ll be horrible to you if you like.’

‘If you’re horrible to the others as well –’

‘It was a joke!’

‘And so was what I said,’ Dai pointed out peacefully.

I rolled my eyes. ‘Just get your uniform on. And take your ulster, it’s freezing outside.’

‘I had noticed.’ Dai knelt down and felt under the bottom bunk. ‘It’s not that I don’t want your help, Fal, it’s just…’

‘Not that trunk, that’s Odhran’s. Your’s should be next to it.’

Dai pulled out the other trunk. ‘Oh yes, it’s got my name on it…’ He opened it and began taking out clothes. ‘I do want your help, Fal, but I want to fit in as well.’

‘You’re making this sound like your first day at school,’ I commented.

‘It is, in a way.’

‘The army isn’t school.’

Dai sighed. ‘Oh Fal, you’ve got no imagination.’

‘I have!’

Dai pulled off his trousers and held up the plain black ones of his uniform. He wrinkled his nose. ‘Not very colourful, are they?’

‘Well, if you want to go into battle wearing blue check,’ I said, ‘you’ll get yourself shredded.’

‘All right, Fal, I was only saying. Anyway, nice tunic.’

‘Blue for the EC. You know the other colours?’

‘Sa, schoular,’ Dai grinned. ‘Red tunic for the cavalry, yellow for the infantry. You want to know the colour of their loincloths as well?’

‘No!’ I said, scandalized. ‘Do up your jerkin.’

Dai tied the laces of his stiff leather jerkin and fastened his belt around his waist. He opened one of the pouches. ‘Empty. Where do I get my guns?’

‘Should I be worried by your eagerness to grab a firearm?’ I asked him.

He laughed. ‘It’s just…’ He raised his hands in the air, then dropped them to his sides again. ‘I’ve waited to join the EC for so long. You got in quicker because you’re a prince and you’re older, but I had to wait… And now we’ve got a real war to fight in! A real threat to Aval-lón!’

‘I know!’ I grinned, sharing his enthusiasm. ‘You wait till your first battle, Dai. Then you’ll see how it really is.’

Dai nodded. ‘Have I got everything on?’

‘What about your testril?’

Dai bent to look in the trunk again, but I stopped him. ‘Na, try your pocket.’

‘Oh yes, it’s here.’ Dai brought out the small metal disk stamped with his name, rank and squadron number. He fastened the cord around his neck, shoving the disk inside his tunic. Then he straightened. ‘There. Ready?’

I gave him the once over and saluted. ‘Trooper Dai’myr Tewlwolow, you are ready for duty.’

He saluted back. ‘Squadron Leader Fal’ebren Barrlynenner, it is a pleasure to serve.’

For a moment we managed to remain serious, and then we began grinning at each other like naughty schoolboys.

‘Come on,’ I said. ‘Let’s go find your beast.’

Outside in the cold wind, Dai quickly buttoned up his ulster. ‘Oh, cold.’

‘The pens are just over here,’ I said, then squinted up into the pale grey sky. ‘Look, there’s Ron’uthrie.’

Ron’uthrie was exercising his beast – a huge, all golden mér – in the sky above us, wheeling and soaring in the biting wind.

‘No low acrobatics,’ I instructed as we reached the pens. ‘You don’t want to loose your legs through showing off.’

‘That’s the sort of thing you would do, not me.’

I sniffed and scanned the pen of alayachae. Hou. I sent the thought out to all the beasts in the field, and they immediately stopped grazing and lifted their heads, ears twitching back and forth. Hou, I said again. Where is alayach number 35210?

Alayach 35210. A dappled beast left the others and walked over to the fence. It looked first at me, then at Dai.

Dai looked back and, very slowly and carefully, reached out his hand and touched its forehead. It continued to gaze at him with large, soft dark eyes, and Dai stroked its nose, then scratched around its ears, his fingers getting lost in its pale, coarse mane.

Love at first sight.

I looked up into the sky and saw Codahüti. She circled once, landed and hop-walked to my side. I stroked her neck lightly, watching Dai.

I think they like each other, Codahüti said.

I think they do, too.

Dai ran his hand down the alayach’s neck to its shoulder, scratching around the base of its wings. ‘Tarth,’ he said. ‘That’s your name. Tarth.’

Tarth pushed his nose against Dai’s chest and tossed his head up and down. Dai put his hand on Tarth’s forehead and closed his eyes. For a moment his lips moved soundlessly. I could feel something niggling in the back of my brain, the beginnings of a headache behind my eyes.

Fal… Codahüti warned.

I winced, trying to find whatever it was, dig out the grain of sand in the cog, the pebble in the shoe. ‘Swift… Swift he…’

Fal!

‘Fal?’ Dai turned, his hand still on Tarth’s neck.

‘Swift he bestrode his firefly steed; He bared his blade of the bent-grass blue; He drove his spurs of the cockle-seed, And away like a glance of thought he flew, To skim the heavens, and follow far, The fiery trail of the rocket star.’

Dimly, like an echo from centuries past, I could feel someone nudging my mind. Someone nagging. Fal. Fal. Fal. Fal. Fal.

‘Fal,’ I murmured.

A hand flicked in front of my eyes, and I blinked. Dai waved his hand again and I shook my head irritably. ‘Hey, stop it.’

‘Firefly steed?’ he demanded.

‘Pardon?’

‘What was that? Was it the Sark?’

‘The Sark? What’re you talking about?’

Dai gave an incoherent squeak.

I think, Codahüti said, that he may be talking about you going into a kind of half trance and reciting something about some person who follows stars with a blade of grass.

Really?

Really.

Oh. I don’t remember.

Tell that to Dai, not me.

Gee, you’re bossy.

Shut up.

‘I’m sorry,’ I said to Dai. ‘I don’t remember. What did I say?’

Dai sighed. ‘Nothing. Some poem. It doesn’t matter.’ Tarth pushed his nose against Dai’s arm, and Dai stroked his new mount’s neck.

You really do have a knack for making a spectacle of yourself, Codahüti mused callously. Dai’s having a wonderful private moment with his beast and you bring all the attention back to yourself –

I didn’t do it on purpose!

It’s like when the Kioni came. That was their evening, and you got all the sympathy by going into the strangest Sark anyone had ever seen and making all of Carraig Éanä talk of nothing else for days afterwards.

I glared at her. She glared back. I appealed to Dai. ‘You know I don’t do this on purpose, don’t you Dai?’

‘Of course. Do what?’

‘Go into the Sark and disrupt things.’

‘Oh, that. No, I don’t see how you could, really. All the same,’ he added with a sigh, ‘it does make being around you a little… unexpected. Having a friend who goes into trances and fits without a moment’s notice –’

‘I do try and tell in advance,’ I protested. ‘Normally I can, you know that. It’s only when I See really far into the future. The first future and the first past, that is. That’s when it comes on sudden.’

‘Well it makes it gey difficult.’

I felt hurt and snapped, ‘I told you – I can’t help it.’

Oh, stop being so prickly.

I have a right to prickle!

Hedgehog.

‘I know, Fal. I’m sorry.’ Dai gave me a hopeful smile and, as if to make peace, he asked, ‘Have you Seen anything, Fal? About the war?’

Put your prickles back in, princeling.

Be quiet, canary. ‘No,’ I answered Dai. ‘I’ve seen nothing about the war. Nothing at all.’

***

Fal’ebren-ner, do you know where the corn is?

Saraigh, must my beast go with the others?

Fal’ebren-ner, I think my pistol needs a new flint.

Fal’ebren-ner, there’s a weevil in the flour.

‘Squadron Leader Fal’ebren, have you got your troopers sorted out yet?’

‘No!’ I almost yelled.

T’shaa raised an eyebrow.

I ran my hand through my hair and sighed. ‘Sorry, sorry… It’s just that everyone’s been asking about where they should go and who they should go with and… Do you know where the corn is?’

‘Tell them to go see Squadron Quartermaster Al’thrie; he’s in charge of this section of the camp.’

‘Mur ras.’ Who needed corn?

I felt about half a dozen minds touch mine, almost as though we were in a class and they were raising their hands in the affirmative.

If you need corn or any other supplies, go and find Squadron Quartermaster Al’thrie. I’m busy right now, so don’t try and reach me, sa? Ask for directions, hijack a passing trooper, but don’t come to me.

Half a dozen minds gave a collective response: Sa saraigh.

I sighed in relief. ‘That’s that done. Thanks, T’shaa.’

T’shaa grinned. ‘Hectic, isn’t it? Awful to think of what it’ll be like after the battle.’

‘Hopefully, everyone will be too drunk on Kioni wine and shared victory to make too much trouble,’ I said.

He nodded. ‘That’s what we’d hope. Well, I’ll be seeing you around.’ He saluted and left, weaving his way through the rows of tents that had already been set up. Quite a few troopers were still juggling with ropes and canvases, putting up the last few tents on the outskirts. The Danann camp and the Kioni camp were only a little way apart, but the Sersurans were a mile or two to the north. The battle – and there was going to be one in the next few days – would take place somewhere between the two groups.

I looked out over the vast expanse of plain beyond the camps, all waving brown grasses that reached to the foot of the enormous blue grey mountains that soared up into the skies. Carathara had such amazing skies – blue and cold and empty. The whole place was beautiful in a savage, untamed way, and the huge openness of it made my heart thump. It had a mad feeling about it, as though all things were possible there, and anyone could become anything if they tried hard enough.

Isn’t it wonderful? I asked Codahüti. It’s so… so wide.

It’s the sky, she said. It’s like a huge bowl that needs to be filled.

And we can fill it.

I thought ‘pleasure flights’ weren’t allowed?

They’re not, but wouldn’t it be amazing to get up there and just fly?

And see if we could reach the tops of those mountains. Some of them have snow on their tops.

Must be a wonderful view from up there.

And probably no air to breathe, either.

Oh yes. I didn’t think of that.

No, I didn’t think that you had.

There was a pause. Someone putting up a tent shouted a curse as his thumb got caught under the mallet. A cook fire nearby sent plumes of smoke and the scent of barley soup wafting into the sky.

Marching rations? Codahuti asked in amusement, my awareness of the smell of the food passing across to her through our link. That won’t put spirit into your soldiers for the fight ahead.

There’s going to be meat with the soup as well. Just not too much of it.

I caught a rabbit earlier. Small and full of tendons, but very sweet.

As a smackerel?

A what?

It’s like a snack.

Fal, for all our sakes, keep your head in this time, this present, this day, this war. Seeing someone else’s war won’t help this one.

You make it sound like I have a choice about what I See!

You encourage it. You like Seeing the first future.

And what of that? It’s really funny, some of the things that I’ve seen. At one time, everyone wore these really fancy clothes – all waistcoats and big hats. Then later on, people wore their hair really long and said that it was a hip. Isn’t that funny, calling their hair a hip?

It shows a marked lack of discernment.

Sa, it’s funny.

Even if it’s funny, leave it alone. Please, Fal.

What? I was startled. Codahüti never said please. Dai said that that was another thing we had in common.

Please try and keep out of the Sark. Keep your mind focused on the battle. What if you become unfocused and… what if something happens while you’re in the battle? Remember, you have responsibilities to Aval-lon, not just to yourself. You’re the next in line. If something should happen to you, the leadership would pass out of the direct bloodline. She let this sink in, then said gently, Just keep yourself safe, Fal. For me and for Aval-lon. I want you to be safe more than anyone else does.

The wind lifted my hair and blew it into my eyes and mouth. I had a warm feeling in my stomach. It was very comforting, knowing that someone cared about me in the way that Codahüti did. Before I could get completely mushy about it, she added, And look out for Dai as well. Don’t forget that this will be his first battle.

Oh, yes I know. I wonder if he’ll enter the Sark?

The Sark? Oh, the Battle Sark. I don’t know actually. He’s not the kind of person who gets that worked up about things, but then you hardly ever enter that Sark, and you could get worked up over a feather in the wind.

That’s because I go into the Seeing Sark so readily, I replied, a little huffily. Anyway, the Battle Sark is madness. Bloodlust. It’s not exactly civilized.

Sour grapes, she teased. If I gambled – and I don’t – then I would bet that Dai will enter the Battle Sark.

And I bet that he won’t. No offence to Dai, but he’s too puddle like.

Puddle like? Fal, you’re daft.

I am not! Anyway, I know Dai. You wait and see.


---

I know it looks like I've just cobbled their last names together, but they do actually mean something. And if you can, just ignore the first chapters; they'll be getting rewrites sometime soon.

Mwahaha! *is first critiquer of new chapter*

and through my ulster.

Um…what’s an ulster?

Resek’myr’s quarters
/
from Resek’myr’s door
/
Resek’myr’s hut

After awhile, I think “the” would do the trick, yes? Plus, you got on me about “Lockskrip” not being easy to say—ditto for “Resek’myr.”

a reminder that home was not that far away.

“not too far away”?

I know that, stultissow.

I don’t know that you need this—it makes her seem snappish and a little childish. Possibly nix.

Dai saluted, three fingers of his left hand tapped on his opposite shoulder.

Cool salute!

And take your ulster, it’s freezing outside.

A coat of some kind? *continues to puzzle at the mystery of the ulster*

Blue for the EC.

But I thought blue was bad! You just said that blue check would get him shredded—I don’t want a shredded Dai!

And now we’ve got a real war to fight in! A real threat to Aval-lón!

I’m so very happy for you, you poor idiot.

Outside in the cold wind, Dai quickly buttoned up his ulster. ‘Oh, cold.’

Aha! It must be a coat!

a huge, all golden mér

May I assume that a “mér” is the same kind of thing that Cod. is? You’ve just never made it clear whether the whole “air force” rides eagles or not.

scanned the pen of alayachae

Again with the words we don’t know—if it has a parallel word in English, please start out with that and then introduce the Elvin word.

I sent the thought out to all the beasts in the field, and they immediately stopped grazing and lifted their heads, ears twitching back and forth.

Deeefffinately not eagles, then.

A dappled beast

Please give us more description! I have no idea what these things look like—if I can’t see them, I can’t visualize your awesome battle scenes!

It continued to gaze at him with large, soft dark eyes, and Dai stroked its nose, then scratched around its ears, his fingers getting lost in its pale, coarse mane.

This would make me think it looks something like a horse, but shouldn’t it have wings? Sorry, darling, but I really think we could benefit from a more detailed description here.

I have a right to prickle!

Hedgehog.

I looked out over the vast expanse of plain beyond the camps, all waving brown grasses that reached to the foot of the enormous blue grey mountains that soared up into the skies. Carathara had such amazing skies – blue and cold and empty. The whole place was beautiful in a savage, untamed way, and the huge openness of it made my heart thump. It had a mad feeling about it, as though all things were possible there, and anyone could become anything if they tried hard enough.

This. *points* Is amazing. You have such a wonderful gift for description, darling (when you chose to use it , *hug*).

And see if we could reach the tops of those mountains. Some of them have snow on their tops.

Then later on, people wore their hair really long and said that it was a hip. Isn’t that funny, calling their hair a hip?

It shows a marked lack of discernment.

I like her!

And if you can, just ignore the first chapters; they'll be getting rewrites sometime soon.

Even Cod.’s parts? (sorry, I can’t spell her full name)


Overall

Yay! I’m really enjoying myself! Let me know when you post the re-writes of the early chapters, so I can give them a once-over as well. I can’t tell you how awesome it is to spend only three pages critiquing a nine-page chapter. *hug*

Hey Twitty! I really like this story, but since everyone already covered everything for the first few chapters, I'll really only be critiquing this last chapter you have posted. And the chapters that come after, of course.

Ron’uthrie was exercising his beast – a huge, all golden mér – in the sky above us, wheeling and soaring in the biting wind.

Er, what's a mér?

I sniffed and scanned the pen of alayachae.

And what exactly is an alayachae?

The battle – and there was going to be one in the next few days – would take place somewhere between the two groups.

How do they know there's going to be a battle?

And see if we could reach the tops of those mountains. Some of them have snow on their tops.

You use 'tops' twice and it gets a bit repetitive.

No, I didn’t think [s]that[/s] you had.

Ok. Now on to part two.

Your grammar and spelling is perfect. I didn't catch one mistake.

Your dialog is incredibly natural and it looks like you don't have a problem there, either. It flows together nicely and it's effective. *Claps*

So, really, the only other thing I want to make a comment on is your description. You seem to be lacking a bit in this point. For all seven chapters so far, you haven't included much description as to the setting. What does Fal's home look like? What does the battle site look like? Is it more wooded, or out on a field or plain?

But otherwise, I enjoyed reading this and will most definitely check back for more. You have real talent.

-May