Endless Possibilities

11 posts
User avatar
Gender Male
Points 2816
Reviews 252
Daniel stood, wiping down the bar with a damp cloth, and whistling the tune of an old song. Its name wouldn’t come to mind, but it was a relic of his childhood, that he was sure of.

“Oi, Dan!” a familiar voice called. He looked up and smiled. It was Connor, the barman.

“Yeah?” Dan asked, throwing the cloth over his shoulder.

“Table six needs these drinks. You wanna take ‘em over?”

“Yeah, cool,” Dan said. He walked over to the trays of drinks.

“I’ve got to go ask Richie something. Make sure you get the drinks over to them real fast. They’re businessmen or some shit.”

“Pricks?”

Connor nodded. “Pricks. You remember the ones we had last time.”

Dan rolled his eyes. He remembered. The businessmen had threatened their business, stormed out because a meal had been cold, and told them to expect a visit from a health inspector. That had been a month ago. As of yet, no inspectors had materialised. “Yeah, I remember.”

“Okay. Just hurry it up, will you?” Connor wandered back through the kitchen’s double doors.

Dan watched him go, and then turned back to the drinks. There were two trays, and ten drinks on each. Right, Dan thought. Time for another game.He pulled several sealed packets from his pocket. They were small, so that he could conceal them in a hurry if interrupted, which had happened several times before. The substance in the packets was potent enough so that a fifth of its contents would be enough to finish the job. He wouldn’t need all of it tonight, though, so he put two of the packets back into his pocket.

Dan opened the packet, beginning to hum again as he did, and being careful not to let any of the powder spill. Once more, he looked over the drinks. There were so many possibilities, so many choices. And who could tell what the end result would be? That was the most delicious part of it all.

After some thought, Dan poured a quarter of the powder into a glass of bourbon, two quarters in a couple of beers, and one quarter in a glass of wine. A single glass on one tray received this treatment, three on the other. There was no particular method to his selections, but they seemed right in his mind. After he was finished, he folded the packet so the powder wouldn't spill and placed it back in his pocket.

He picked up a spoon from beside the glasses and stirred them until the powder had dissolved, leaving no traces. Then he picked up one of the trays and carried it to the table which the businessmen were crowded around.

“What took you so long?” one of the men demanded. He was a small man with a bald head, and a thick moustache. His face seemed to turn purple under the lights of the bar.

“I’m sorry, sir,” Dan said in his politest voice, trying to appease the man. “It won’t happen again.”

“I’m sure it won’t. Because if it does, my colleagues and I won’t be paying you one cent. And that would be a shame, wouldn’t it?” Dan rolled his eyes. What an original speech, he thought. The man caught the motion. “Are you rolling your eyes at me? I don’t have to take that from people like you! Did you even finish your first year of high school?” The rest of the men at the table barely disguised their snickers.

Dan looked up from the man and saw a painting on the wall behind them which depicted the Devil judging the sinners in Hell. He sent it a conspirator’s wink, and then looked back to the tiny man, whose eyes were now bulging . It looked as if his heart might explode any minute.

“I’m sorry,” he repeated. “Is this drink yours?” He indicated the bourbon in the middle of the first tray.

The man looked up at him. “Yes,” he said. “How did you know?”

“No reason. You just look like a bourbon sort of man. Enjoy your drinks.”

Dan walked back to the bar and picked up the second tray, carrying it back to the table. He set it down and slipped away after a fleeting glance at the man who had been rude to him. He was already drinking his bourbon, but the effects wouldn’t take hold for another few hours.

He walked back to the bar as Connor emerged from the kitchen. “You give ‘em their drinks?” he asked nodded. “Good. Any trouble?”

“Yeah. One of them says that they aren’t paying.”

“Oh well. Hopefully that’s the one whose drink I spat in.” Connor began to laugh, and after Dan stared at him for a moment, he began to laugh as well. When he stopped, he said, “They’ve been in here before. One of ‘em made a pass at a waitress.”

“We don’t have any waitresses,” Dan said. Connor cocked an eyebrow. “Oh.”

“Yeah. Well, this is the end of your shift, isn’t it?”

“Yep. I can stay on for longer if you want me to.”

“Why would you want to stay here?” Connor glanced around at the squalid surroundings of the dimly lit bar.

“Gotta support the wife and kid,” he said. “Living the dream.”

Connor shook his head. “You’re way too young to have a kid. You should have stayed in high school, you know that?”

“I know.”

“All right. See you tomorrow night, then.”

“See you.” Dan left the bar without glancing at the businessmen again. They would be on the news soon enough.

He walked home with his hands in his pockets, air puffing from his mouth and out into the world in a cold fog. The night was chill and crisp, perfect for an evening’s contemplation. As he walked, he thought about the men he had talked to tonight, and what they would see in the next life. Would they come back as humans next time? Dan didn’t think that it was likely.

He pulled the key from his pocket when he came to his apartment and unlocked the door, staying quiet as he slipped in. After locking the door behind him, he set the key down on the kitchen bench once more. It was all part of one never-ending routine.

He went into the baby’s room and looked at her. At only eight months old, she was the epitome of a cherub, with her rose red cheeks, and occasional gurgles of laughter. Dan leaned down and kissed her on the forehead.

Her smile widened, and Dan couldn’t help but to copy it. She always looked so much happier in sleep than she did in reality. An imaginary world was the best place for her.

He left the room and navigated the darkness of the apartment to his room. As soon as he entered, he could hear Dahlia’s soft breathing from nearby. He sighed once more, and after stripping to his underwear, got under the covers of his single bed. There was no fear of walking into anything, for the room was sparsely furnished. Two single beds close to each other and a wardrobe was the extent of their possessions. Their jobs wouldn’t pay enough for extravagant expenses.

There was no risk of any contact between the two of them. The beds were far enough separated so that they would never have contact, even if they wanted to. They shared Hannah, and a wardrobe, but that was it. Things had never been the same since Dahlia had announced her pregnancy. The magic had dissipated. Once again, it all came back to the probability. Like everything else, it was just another game, played against disaster.

Dan didn’t want to reflect on his situation. Thinking of the monotony always led to a spiral of depression, and that wasn’t something he was prepared to do. Not that night. So he emptied his mind, and soon fell into a dreamless sleep.

When he woke up in the morning, Dahlia had already left for work. He listened intently, he could hear a thin wail coming from Hannah’s cot, so, after a groan, he stood, and headed to her room.

Her face was screwed up in misery, but when the door opened, she stopped and turned her head toward him. She smiled, and once again he returned the expression. Leaning down, he lifted her from the cot, and swung her around in his arms. A peal of laughter escaped her, and he laughed too.
He took her to the couch and turned the television on, just in time for the beginning of the morning news. A substitute reporter was speaking, and Dan admired her beauty and diction as she spoke.

There were several murders last night, and police have already connected them with the spate of murders that has previously plagued the town. However, they still haven’t been able to locate the crucial evidence that will solve the case. The killer seems to be indiscriminate with his victims, as people of all ages, ethnicities and sexualities have been targeted.

Even so, they think they are drawing closer to identifying the killer, and have informed the media that they have discovered that a rare type of poison is being used to kill these people. It is slow working, taking several hours to take effect, but is still fatal.

The businessmen were part of a large group of associates, according to the other members, and they visited several local bars and dances on their night out. The police will soon begin investigating these establishments, but after so long without any answers, hope that the killer will be caught is dim.

The police have issued a warning for people to beware of anyone touching their food, and to stay in large groups if eating in public. Please, use extreme caution when out in public, even if you are with friends or family.


Dan turned the television off after the newsreader moved on to an overseas conflict, and smiled at Hannah. “It all comes down to luck, doesn’t it? Just one spin of the wheel of fate, and we know whether we live.” He began to laugh. “Or die.” Hannah laughed along with him, not at all aware of what she was laughing at. She followed his actions, and he was proud. Dan knew that one day she would be just like her father.
Last edited by Insomnia on Mon Dec 10, 2007 6:54 am, edited 4 times in total.




Random avatar
Gender Male
Points 1823
Reviews 665
Interesting story. It would fit in a book of thrillers of horrors. My first complaint is you never really get much idea of how characters looked. To me they were blank slates. Only two you get idea of is Baby and victim.

Next thing, we don't really find out alot of information about Dan. Like why him and his wife get on.

Why don't the police arrest the bar owner it was last place the guys were seem an obvious motive and guesstimate.

This reminds me of Roald Dahl short story Lambs to the Slaughter. In that alot of stuff missed out, but it works. You need to work on this explaining more. More character development don't name drop. Give us some detail give us a word portrait of main character at least

Good potentia.l

Good luck VSN.
We get off to the rhythm of the trigger and destruction. Fallujah to New Orleans with impunity to kill. We are the hidden fist of the free market.
We are the ink, we are the quill.
[The Ink And The Quill (Be Afraid) - Anti-Flag]




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 10240
Reviews 166
Hey, I promised you a crit :)

I've saved it as a Microsoft Word document. If you've not got Word then give me a PM and I'll save it as something else. The blue/yellow highlights are comments and you might have to fiddle about to get them to display.

Anyway! Very good job!

Charlie
Attachments
Endless Possibilities, Insomnia.doc
(50.5 KiB) Downloaded 60 times
I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.
-- Woody Allen




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1210
Reviews 99
Very, very, very good writing! I love the whole plot! But, as mentioned above, the characters are yet to be described... Unless of course you are waiting until a bit later in the story when the time is just right, then great! A few errors here and there, but I have no time to point out exactly each place. Sorry! I have so many others to crit. Again, very good potential and please, please, please add to this because I'd really like to critique a bit 'deeper' and read more of this. Don't leave me hanging!

Your Newest Fan,
Monki
Tom Riddle: "You read my diary?"
Harry Potter: "At first, I did not know it was your diary. I thought it was a very sad, handwritten book."




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 2816
Reviews 252
Thanks for the crits, guys. :)

Charlie, I made most of the suggestions you made. Thanks a heap for that effort. :D Now I'll just add some more description of the characters next time I edit. Got a heap of other stuff to do... Hopefully it won't be too long.

Anyway, thanks for all the effort you made. Now, to consider whther or not to extend it...

-Mat




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 516
That was very good. It was sort of horroh, but sort of not, if you get what I mean.

The only complaint is that there wasn't much description or emotion. Surely there used to be something between Dan and his wife, or how do they feel towards Hannah? What about Dan's feelings towards the murders he comitted. Is he guilty?

Your plot is inticing, and with a bit of editing it would be really good.
*Don't expect to see me around much in the next couple of weeks. School has started again, and it'll be a couple of weeks before I've settled in. If you've asked me for a critique, you will get it, but not for a little while. Sorry*




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 3762
Reviews 201
Absolutely creepy, dude. At first I didn't think I was going to enjoy this, but I was eventually sucked in, and I just stared at the screen at the end of it. Nice work. Just a few things of note:

Insomnia wrote:Dan rolled his eyes. He remembered. The businessmen had threatened...


I think after "remembered" you could either use a colon, or you could change it to "He remembered that the businessmen..." How it is right now is kind of awkward, and it made me stutter in my reading a little bit.

Right, Dan thought. Time for another game.


I think there should be a comma after thought, because he's still thinking. But I see now that you're following the quotation mark rules, so I'm not sure how to smooth that out.

After some thought, Dan poured a quarter of the powder into a glass of bourbon, two of beer, and once of wine.


I was a little confused here. A fifth of the powder in the packet would be enough to kill a person, and he's obviously using a quarter of the packet in the glass of bourbon, but is he putting two packets or two quarters in the beer? It would be good to clear up just what amount he's using, because if a fifth can do it, why waste two packets?

“I don’t have to take that people like you!"


"I don't have to take that from people like you."

Dan looked up from the man and saw a painting on the wall behind them which depicted the Devil judging he sinners in Hell. He sent it a conspirator’s wink, and then looked back to the tiny man, whose eyes were now bulging.


I liked this part. It was great to show an example of life's little serendipities.

He set it down and slipped away after a fleeting glance at the men who had been rude to him. He was already drinking his bourbon, but the effects wouldn’t take hole for another few hours yet.


I think you meant a fleeting glance at the man who had been rude to him. Also, the effects wouldn't take hold for a few hours. Even then, I think that wording is a little weird. Maybe the "effects wouldn't show for another few hours" would be better.

Dan left the bar without glancing at the businessmen again. They would be on the news soon enough.


I liked this part. At first, I had no idea what was in the packets, and this line made me think, "Oh, it's probably cocaine or some other drug that will make them go crazy." Nice job of misleading the reader. d(^_^)b

He pulled the key from his pocket when he came to his apartment and unlocked the door, staying quiet as he slipped through the front door.


You've already established that he's opened the door, so you could say "staying quiet as he slipped in".

The police have issued a warning for people to beware of anyone touching their food, and to stay in large groups if eating in public. However, this didn’t help the prominent businessmen who were found dead in their beds late last night. Please, use extreme caution when out in public.


Working at the radio station doing news reports helps me out with this one. When a reporter gives out a warning for people, they never turn around and say, "Oh yeah, and it might not work." You can take out the "didn't help the businessmen" line. It's obvious that it didn't work for them, but they're warning everyone else because it is their best bet.

Dan turned the television off after the newsreader moved on to an overseas conflicted...


Overseas conflict.

She followed his actions, and he was proud. Dan knew that one day she would be just like her father.


And now I'm creeped out.

Great job overall. I enjoyed this work a lot.




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 2816
Reviews 252
Thanks, Flem. . . -needs a better nickname for you xD- That was really helpful. I just edited most of the stuff you said. Thanks for spotting the overseas conflicted thing. That was the stupid AutoCorrect on Word. >.<




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 4190
Reviews 36
Insomnia wrote:Daniel stood, wiping down the bar with a damp cloth. He whistled the tune of an old song as he did. Its name wouldn’t come to mind, but it was a relic of his childhood, that he was sure of.

**The first two sentences can be combined to make it easier to read: "Daniel stood, wiping down the bar with a damp cloth and whistling the tune of an old song." Also "...but it was a relic of his childhood. That (perhaps iltalicized) he was sure of."

“Oi, Dan!” someone called, and he looked up. It was Connor, the barman.

**Maybe describe the voice that called him? A familiar voice since his knew the man most likely. You can also break up "Someone called, and he looked up." to "Someone called. He looked up (adjective). Just to add more description.

“Yeah?” Dan said, throwing the cloth over his shoulder.

**Dan said= Dan asked. And you don't have to mention his name again since there are only two people talking.

“Table six needs these drinks. You wanna take ‘em over?”

“Yeah, cool,” Dan said. He walked over to the trays of drinks.

** "trays of drinks" reads a little odd at first. If it's only one table are there that many trays? Maybe he walked over to the tray of several drinks or something like that.

“I’ve got to go ask Richie something. Make sure you get the drinks over to them real fast. They’re businessmen or some shit over there.”

**"over there" doesn't really need to be there.

“Pricks?”

Connor nodded. “Pricks. You remember the ones we had last time.”

**XD I like how he automatically asks if they're pricks. Good character developement so far.

Dan rolled his eyes. He remembered. The businessmen had threatened their business, stormed out after a meal had been cold, and told them to expect a visit from a health inspector. That had been a month ago. As of yet, no inspectors had materialised. “Yeah, I remember.”

**"stormed out 'because' their meal had been cold..."

“Okay. Just hurry it up, will you?” Connor wandered back through the kitchen’s double doors.

Dan watched him go, and then turned back to the drinks. There were two trays, and ten drinks on each. Right, Dan thought. Time for another game.He pulled several sealed packets from his pocket. They were small enough that he could conceal them in a hurry if interrupted, which had happened several times before. The substance in the packets was potent enough so that a fifth of its contents would be enough to finish the job. He wouldn’t need all of it tonight, though, so he put two of the packets back into his pocket.

**I like this paragraph. The action starts quick. It would be nice to hear his reaction to what he's doing first though. While he's powering it in what does he really feel about it?

Dan opened the packet, being careful not to let any of the powder spill. Once more, he looked over the drinks. There were so many possibilities, so many choices. And who could tell what the end result would be? That was the most delicious part of it all.

After some thought, Dan poured a quarter of the powder into a glass of bourbon, two quarters in a couple of beers beer, and one quarter in a glass of wine. One glass on one tray received this treatment, three on the other. There was no particular method to his selections, but they seemed right in his mind. After he was finished, he folded the packet so the powder wouldn't spill and placed it back in his pocket.

He picked up a spoon from beside the glasses and stirred them until the powder had dissolved, leaving no traces. Then he picked up one of the trays and carried it to the table which the businessmen were crowded around.

“What took you so long?” one of the men demanded. He was a small man with a bald head, and a thick moustache. His face was seemed to be purple under the lights of the bar.

**"His face seemed to 'turn' purple under the dim lights of the bar." makes more sense.

“I’m sorry, sir,” Dan said in his politest voice, trying to appease the man. “It won’t happen again.”

“I’m sure it won’t. Because if it does, my colleagues and I won’t be paying you one cent. And that would be a shame, wouldn’t it?” Dan rolled his eyes. What an original speech, he thought. The man caught the motion, and said, “Are you rolling your eyes at me? I don’t have to take that from people like you! Did you even finish your first year of high school?” The rest of the men at the table barely disguised their snickers.

**"The man caught the motion." You don't need to say "and said" afterwords because it's still in the same paragraph.

Dan looked up from the man and saw a painting on the wall behind them which depicted the Devil judging the sinners in Hell. He sent it a conspirator’s wink, and then looked back to the tiny man, whose eyes were now bulging . It looked as if his heart might explode any minute.

**I like this paragraph. Good detail. I'm starting to see the kind of person Daniel is.

“I’m sorry,” he repeated. “Is this drink yours?” He indicated the bourbon in the middle of the first tray.

The man looked up at him. “Yes,” he said. “How did you know?”

“No reason. You just look like a bourbon sort of man. Enjoy your drinks.”

Dan walked back to the bar and picked up the second tray, carrying it back to the table. He set it down and slipped away after a fleeting glance at the man who had been rude to him. He was already drinking his bourbon, but the effects wouldn’t take hold for another few hours yet.

**"...wouldn't take hold for another few hours." Yet doesn't need to be there.

He walked back to the bar as Connor emerged from the kitchen. “You give ‘em their drinks?” he said. Dan nodded. “Good. Any trouble?”

**He asked, not said.

“Yeah. One of them says that they aren’t paying.”

“Oh well. Hopefully that’s the one whose drink I spat in.” Connor began to laugh, and after Dan stared at him for a moment, he began to laugh as well. When he stopped, he said, “They’ve been in here before. One of ‘em made a pass at a waitress.”

**XD he spit in his drink and Dan poured something in his there?

“We don’t have any waitresses,” Dan said. Connor cocked an eyebrow. “Oh.
Yeah. Well, this is the end of your shift, isn’t it?”

**Haha. I like the comedy in this. It definately encourages me to be nice to people that give me my food.

“Yep. I can stay on for longer if you want me to.”

“Why would you want to stay on here?” Connor glanced around at the squalid surroundings of the dimly lit bar.

**"Why would you want to stay here?" The "on" part reads off.

“Gotta support the wife and kid,” he said. “Living the dream.”

Connor shook his head. “You’re way too young to have a kid. You should have stayed in high school, you know that?”

“I know.”

“All right. See you tomorrow night, then.”

“See you.” Dan left the bar without glancing at the businessmen again. They would be on the news soon enough.

He walked home with his hands in his pockets, air puffing from his mouth and out into the world in a cold fog. The night was chill and crisp, perfect for an evening’s contemplation. As he walked, he thought about the men he had talked to tonight, and what they would see in the next life. Would they come back as humans next time? Dan didn’t think that it was likely.

** *raises brow* intruiging.

He pulled the key from his pocket when he came to his apartment and unlocked the door, staying quiet as he slipped in. After locking the door behind him, he set the key down on the kitchen bench once more. It was all part of one never-ending routine.

He went into the baby’s room and looked at her. At only eight months old, she was the epitome of a cherub, with her rose red cheeks, and occasional gurgles of laughter. Dan leaned down and kissed her on the forehead.

Her smile widened, and Dan couldn’t help but to copy it. She always looked so much happier in sleep than she did in reality. An imaginary world was the best place for her.

He left the room and navigated the darkness of the apartment to his room. As soon as he entered, he could hear Dahlia’s soft breathing from nearby. He sighed once more, and after stripping to his underwear, got under the covers of his single bed. There was no fear of walking into anything, for the room was sparsely furnished. Two single beds close to each other and a wardrobe was the extent of their possessions. Their jobs wouldn’t pay enough for extravagant expenses.

There was no risk of any contact between the two of them. The beds were far enough separated so that they would never have contact, even if they wanted to. They shared Hannah, and a wardrobe, but that was it. Things had never been the same since Dahlia had announced her pregnancy. The magic had dissipated. Once again, it all came back to the probability. Like everything else, it was just another game, played against disaster.

Dan didn’t want to reflect on his situation. Thinking of the monotony always led to a spiral of depression, and that wasn’t something he was prepared to do. Not that night. So he emptied his mind, and soon fell into a dreamless sleep.

When he woke up in the morning, Dahlia had already left for work. When he listened intently, he could hear a thin wail coming from Hannah’s bed, so, after a groan, he stood, and headed to her room.

Her face was screwed up in misery, but when the door opened, she stopped and turned her head toward him. She smiled, and once again he returned the expression. Leaning down, he lifted her from the cot, and swung her around in his arms. A peal of laughter escaped her, and he laughed too.
He took her to the couch and turned the television on, in time for the beginning of the morning news. A substitute reporter was speaking, and Dan admired her beauty and diction as she spoke.

There were several murders last night, and police have already connected them with the spate of murders that has previously plagued the town. However, they still haven’t been able to locate the crucial evidence that will solve the case. The killer seems to be indiscriminate with his victims, as people of all ages, ethnicities and sexualities have been targeted.

Even so, they think they are drawing closer to identifying the killer, and have informed the media that they have discovered that a rare type of poison is being used to kill these people. It is slow working, taking several hours to take effect, but is still fatal.

The businessmen were part of a large group of associates, according to the other members, and they visited several local bars and dances on their night out. The police will soon begin investigating these establishments, but after so long without any answers, hope that the killer will be caught is dim.

The police have issued a warning for people to beware of anyone touching their food, and to stay in large groups if eating in public. Please, use extreme caution when out in public, even if you are with friends or family.


Dan turned the television off after the newsreader moved on to an overseas conflict, and smiled at Hannah. “It all comes down to luck, doesn’t it? Just one spin of the wheel of fate, and we know whether we live.” He began to laugh. “Or die.” Hannah laughed along with him, not at all aware of what she was laughing at. She followed his actions, and he was proud. Dan knew that one day she would be just like her father.


I think you do did really good on character development. Instead of describing them physically you described them through their actions. The only thing I'd work on is in the beginning, when you use the word Dan a lot, and then later you start your sentences off with "he" a lot. Try to broaden it a bit so that there's more variety. Other than that I think you did well. I'm interested to find out why he does all of this. I'd love to read more! :)

~CCF~
Sono La Famiglia, Capici?

Need a critique? Look here for more Information
CCF Critique Shop




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 2816
Reviews 252
Thanks for the crit again, Cabassi. Perfect as always. :) I'll have to work on the description next time I come back to it. Right now, I have like six other pieces to edit. And a whole lot of writing for the holidays... Not that they're meant for writing.

I done most of the stuff that you said. Now I'll have to work on adding in more chapters... probably back story.

-Mat




Random avatar
Gender None specified
Points 890
Reviews 29
When he stopped, he said, “They’ve been in here before. One of ‘em made a pass at a waitress.”

“We don’t have any waitresses,” Dan said. Connor cocked an eyebrow. “Oh.”

Haha I loved this bit. It was brilliant. I can picture the scene in my head and it makes me grin.

I liked the ending. I really want to read more of it, like if he ever gets caught, or some background on him and Dahlia, since that wasn't really ventured into.



"Storybooks and roleplays are just for fun!" To which I say: of course! But why only "just"? Sometimes fun is found in the full-send. Sometimes fun is found in taking it seriously, and aiming to do it with excellence!
— soundofmind