Empty

Okay, I was looking through some of my old books and came across this in a book. In 6th grade I sent this into a contest and It got published. Thought it'd be good to let some other people see it.

Empty

The coldness is slowly seeping in,
Fearful thoughts soon begin.
The hurt, the pain of utter rejection-
It feels much like a horrid infection.

I reach, I reach, for a hand
To save me from this barren land.
Someone to save me from this deep canyon.
Someone to help, a single companion.

Why can't they see me for who I am?
Why do there harsh words make me feel crammed?
There is no difference between you and me-
Why can't they open there eyes and see?

Wow. That was beautiful... I love it!
Nice work!

Why do there harsh words make me feel crammed?

there should be 'their' and again here:

Why can't they open there eyes and see?

You made the same mistake Other than that, it's good. It flows well and the evokes a lot of emotion --just from the words you used, so good job.

The beginning stanza was /great/ loved it! I can't see anything else wrong with this, I think it would hinder the poem if you were to add on to it or anything, I say keep it as is.

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Btw, sorry for the long wait I promised I was going to critique this a while ago, but this weekend was horrid for me and yeah xD Better late than never though, right?

wow......WOW

Oh my god this is great!!! It shows so much feeling and it flows so wonderful. It makes me feel sad which is a powerful feet cause I am really happy


Well done MadHatter well done indeed.

I commend you a job well done.

Really good, only mistake I saw were the there's, but those have already been pointed out.

Great work.

~Spirit

Nice. Good imagery, flow, and emotion.

However, I don't see the deeper meaning behind this, other than your narrator experiencing pain.

The coldness is slowly seeping in,
Fearful thoughts soon begin.
The hurt, the pain of utter rejection-
It feels much like a horrid infection.

I like the first line, but the second line throws it off a little, interrupting the flow. I would suggest connecting the two somehow, not starting a new thought. The following two lines are wonderful. I think you could come up with a better word than "horrid", though.

Why can't they see me for who I am?
Why do there harsh words make me feel crammed?
There is no difference between you and me-
Why can't they open there eyes and see?

"Crammed", huh? Interesting word choice. I'm not sure if it works or not. The emotion in this stanza is clear, but I want to know more. Why does your narrator think this way? Can you give concrete examples and detail? If you added one more stanza to explain everything, that would tie this poem up nicely.

Good job! This was fun to read.

Well, this would be short--it's WAY past my bedttime.

I liked this in the sense that it rhymed and had a good rhythm, but the content and the presentation itself was...cliche. For a sixth grader, it would be GREAT! But I didn't enjoy reading it as much as the others did...sorry.

Try again sometime--don't just say what you feel, describe to say. Instead of
"The coldness is slowly seeping in,
Fearful thoughts soon begin."
do
"My skin tingles--I sscream--like ice
Thoughts have to come, and I have to pay my price"
Something like that. :/

Thanks all. I'll fix these mistakes you pointed out and present you the new and improved ninth grade version of Empty soon.

*Fellne>> Crammed was the only word I could think that would fit and rhyme.

MadHatter wrote: Crammed was the only word I could think that would fit and rhyme.

Well it doesn't work, and it ruins the last stanza of an otherwise lovely poem. Nobody says that you need to rhyme with "am". Write another two lines!

I like it! I'm glad it was published!

It is very simple; there is nothing under its skin. But I don't think it needs to be any better than that. Personally, I like deep poetry that makes me dig, but I couldn't really tell you to do anything else with this poem. It is good.

The only thing I could say is that hurt/pain are very vague words. If you are considering editing this, or when you write later, keep in mind that word choice is incredebly important to poetry.

Were you somehow rejected by a girl when you wrote this? Anyway it was nice.

Well arnt you a little bundle of joy, lol. seriously i know what you mean. i think this poem is a fair reflection on how young people who are outcasts from society feel. I my self was once that quiet kid in the corner who had no friends. you should add some verses about who is that hand in the barren land. for me it was my editor Scarlet E. Kingston.

Uh... hmm... at the expense of being shunned from the rest of your audience, I have to say, I was a wee bit disappointed.
*braces for tomato ammo*

Well, I did like the second stanza, particularly the first two lines of it. Sadly... that was about it.

What I really disliked was the last stanza. I got... annoyed... by the rhetorical questions. Sorry. Maybe you could... I don't know. :/

Sorry. It was alright, but it could have been a lot better.

--Quippie.

Wow omg your made me melt this is my new favorite peom (no affence to the others:P)
Its just amazing it really reaches out to people, it made my day:D
I love love love love love love love love love love IT!!



Keep wrighting

-roo!

My thoughts are pretty much exact with feline's. But I just wanted to say "Wow." For 6th grade, wow. Definitely some stuff great potential there.