Dragons Part III (Part meaning page)

It was a...

Tibetan Dragon. I could tell, my great-grandfather was a "dragon expert," and he taught me everything I know. The dragon looked harmless, her round green eyes gazing down at me. It seemed as if she could understand how I was feeling, confused, frightened, and lonely. "Hello," I said thinking I would get an answer.

"Hello Veronica, my family has waited many generations for this day," she replied.

"What are you talking about? Do you mean that your family has been waiting for me all this time?" I was shocked.

" Yes, you have many talents that you never knew were even possible in the human world."

" Me and talent used in the same sentence? I didn't know it was possible!" I exclaimed.

"Follow me and you will soon find out what I mean." She ordered. I hesitated, but decided I was too curious not to go.

Ok, dragons in fantasy = borderline to fail.

Why? Because this "legendary" monster has existed throughout literature for a long time and I believe the old guy should be put to rest. Dragons have been overused and by using one in yours, it just negates any chance of the fantasy being compelling and original.

If you are going to use a dragon, explain why you are using it. Show us the reasons, don't just put it there.

Descriptions were also lacking in this. It was just telling, not showing and makes it quite hard for the reader to get immersed with your fantasy and as to what is happening in the story.

Characters were flat, nothing to make me care about them or to be interested in them. They were just there, mere puppets of your little tale.

Dialogue was weak too. It did little to show the deeper personalities and emotions of the characters and I felt it was forced into the story rather harshly.

Ok that's all I have to say.

I think this piece needs more content. A few paragraphs isn't very much to review.

It was a...

Tibetan Dragon. I could tell, my great-grandfather was a "dragon expert," and he taught me everything I know. The dragon looked harmless, her round green eyes gazing down at me. It seemed as if she could understand how I was feeling, confused, frightened, and lonely. "Hello," I said thinking I would get an answer.

There is a lot of detail that can be put in here, especially with regards to what our protagonist is doing. Does she open the door quickly, or does she peek around the door to see those green eyes? You shouldn't neglect the physical movements of the characters. Most of the details here are emotional details, filled with feelings. Your reader needs more solid details if you want them to get into the book.

Don't bother with the ellipses (...) in the beginning. It builds a false suspense. If you want to create suspense, you should start by having her see only a part of the dragon. This would be great for introducing the physical description of the dragon.

"Hello Veronica, my family has waited many generations for this day," she replied.

"What are you talking about? Do you mean that your family has been waiting for me all this time?" I was shocked.

" Yes, you have many talents that you never knew were even possible in the human world."

" Me and talent used in the same sentence? I didn't know it was possible!" I exclaimed.

"Follow me and you will soon find out what I mean." She ordered. I hesitated, but decided I was too curious not to go.

I think this dialogue is a little stale. It is akin to the traditional "You are the one the prophecy has mentioned, follow me on a random quest to reclaim the throne. Oh yeah, did we mention you're royalty?"

Think about it, would you react well if a dragon arrived at your house to tell you that you have special powers? I don't know about you, but I'd be very skeptical.

If you follow the above points, I think this piece will become much more magical.

Well, let me start by saying I was glad to see more than one paragraph in this chapter. However, I find the elipsis unessecary after the first sentece. It makes it sound like a cheesy kid's story.

Also, how would your uncle (at least, that's who I think it was) know so much about dragons if you thought they didn't exist? You never mentioned this person before, and you might want to include him in earlier chapters. Veronica wouldn't be thinking rationally if she saw a dragon. She would probably have a severe reaction, not go into analytical mode. "This is a Tibetan dragon. They eat small rodents and ptarmigan eggs, but only at night..." See? She wouldn't be thinking like this.

Your dialogue is a little stale (as pointed out by the last person), but I think you've got a good grasp of it. The "me and talent in the same line?" made me smile.

However, these guys are chatting like old friends. Wouldn't Veronice be like, "Oh my God! You can talk?"

All in all, this is coming along very nicely. You don't have any noticeable grammar mistakes, and you're including dialogue and showing us some of your protagonist's personality. Great job, and you can bet I'll be there for part four.

By the way, Squallz, you can NEVER overuse dragons.

Oops, I said uncle. I meant great-grandfather. Sorry!