November 9
Hello diary today is a day of misery. My first entry in you is one of heartache and distress. My name is Christina Marie Fitzpatrick and last night/this morning I was raped. I was raped by a man I did not know that I had truly only met about 2 hours before this event. His name is Charlie and he is a marine. Makes me think wonderful thoughts about our armed forces now, but here is the story. I tried to stop him but he wouldn't and I feel so disgusted with myself. I do not feel that I should tell anyone and I really don't want anyone to know not even my roommate, he was her best friend. I guess I can tell you the whole story since you won’t tell anyone else, at least I hope you wont. It was approximately 4:45 this morning, why I can remember this I don’t know, and I woke up and Charlie was lying next to me in my bed trying to get me to kiss him and he had his hand just inside my shorts. I could feel him pushing himself up against my thigh and I thought maybe he was dreaming or sleeping and it was just an accident. It wasn't until I looked up at his face and saw that he was up that I started to get scared. I tried to say something, tried to find some way to get him off of me but I couldn’t. There was no way I could stop him, maybe I should have tried harder. I should have done something more than just lay there I should have screamed right at that moment, but I was too scared. I was petrified, I am not a virgin but I have only slept with one man and that is my current boyfriend, Michael, which made me ten times more scared. I couldn't speak, couldn't breathe, I did not know what to do at all. When I tried to say something he put his hand over my mouth and then I couldn't breathe. I felt him push against me and I could feel the pain but I couldn't scream. It wasn't because his hand was over my mouth I just couldn't find my voice. It happened and it happened fast and I didn't know how to feel. I felt numb like there was nothing left of me. I felt like I was just nothing in a tiny little space and all I wanted to do was curl up and die. I know I said it happened fast and in a way it did but to me it did feel like an eternity. He wouldn’t stop and I tried to make him. I kicked him as best I could, I scratched where ever my hands could reach and I tried to bite when ever his hand would slip. He just would not stop and all I could do was feel the pain that he inflicted; both psychically and mentally. When he was done he rolled over and I couldn't stand being near him I felt like it was my fault that I should have stopped him. I got out of bed and took my pillow and rolled into a ball on the floor and just fell asleep. I woke up the next morning before anyone else did but I still could not move. I could still feel the pain throbbing between my legs and I didn’t think it would ever go away. They were still there, Charlie in my bed and Anne in her bed with Eddie. It was still dark out but I could not fall back to sleep, I laid there and stared at the wall and thought of what I was going to do next. He left with his buddy early this morning and I doubt Anne, my roommate, knows anything of what happened. Immediately after he left I ran to the bathroom and threw up until my stomach was raw. I haven't been able to eat all day and the only thing that went through my mind is what I am going to tell Michael. Will he think that it was my fault? What happens if I got pregnant will he accept my baby or will he leave us to fend for ourselves? Oh God I don’t know what to do! Should I tell someone or not, oh god somebody please help me!!!
When the snow falls cold
And the winter air blows
The soul of a young one has come and gone!
When winter comes
A mother grieves!
When snow falls the plants grieve to.
When life seems perfect
Is when winter comes.
And only some are left alone.
Its cold outside,
It snows outside,
I wonder now if I am being taken away.
For a tragedy that this may be.
When my young soul has come and gone.
A young soul
-Jaclyn Stugis
(That’s my alias by the way diary. Isn’t it pretty)
November 12
Diary I hate this world I really truly do! My friend is dead. She died in a car accident on Friday coming home from school. She was drunk but only a little bit and she blew a stop sign and was hit by a train. It was terrible! There were two other people in the car with her and one of them is still in the hospital and the other only broke her leg. So why was it that Mary had to die! Why is it that no matter whom you are or what you do the innocent have to die first? It should have been me! What is it that I can do to make everything better I am nothing. Mary made everyone smile she made the world brighter and no one was sad when she was around. She had a lot going for her so when she does one bad thing she has to suffer the most sever punishment, death! It isn’t fair diary! I wish it was me I wish that I would have died instead of her I wish that it was me sitting where she was. All that happened to me was a busted ankle; yes I was the other girl in the car with her. I was in the back seat and I was the only one with a seat belt on because I was the ‘big baby’, Mary told me that every time I got into the car with her. It was my fault that it happened I told Mary about what happened to me and she was so mad that she did not pay any attention to the road. She was looking at me and screaming that she was going to kill him….My friend is dead and it is my entire fault diary. None of this would have happened if I hadn’t told her. I have cried and cried and cried until I have no more tears. Everyone tells me that it is not my fault but they don’t know what happened not really. I can’t tell anyone something bad may happen to them to. I just can’t. No one needs to know anyway it is not that bad. It happens all the time I will get over it I know I will. I mean what is the worst that can happen if I don’t tell anyone. Only I will know what happened and then all of my friends and family wont look at me like I am disgusting nor will they think that I killed Mary only I will know that it was my fault. Well only you and I will know that. I am so happy that I have you Diary I don’t know what I would do without you. So this is a secret between you and me, I mean what’s the worst that can happen, right?
November 19
For the love of god I have not been able to sleep for a week every time I close my eyes I see him. Charlie there, leaning over me hurting me again and again. And when I don’t see him I see Mary screaming at me that it was all my fault that she died and it was all my fault. I don’t want it to be my fault but she’s right it was my fault. Its 3 in the morning and I have class at ten today I guess. Oh I hate this I’ve been taking some sleeping pills but they don’t seem to be working I think I should go to the doctor. But if I do will he tell my family. What if Michael finds out that it was my fault will he love me still? Will he love me if I tell him about Charlie? Oh god I can not go to the doctor I just can’t. I won’t sleep; I’ll be fine I have gone without sleep before I can do it again. It’s no big deal I can handle not sleeping. Oh Diary I’m glad I can talk to you. If I couldn’t I don’t know how I would be. With everything that has been going on I feel that I really shouldn’t be here. I hate it so. I feel that this world is telling me that I should go, that I no longer belong on this world with these people. I am tainted, I am wrong! I should never have been born I haven’t been with Michael, physically since it happened and I can tell that he is getting a little frustrated by it all. He thinks that it is because of Mary that we haven’t slept together but it isn’t it’s because of him. I don’t want to taint Michael with my badness I don’t want him to be disgusted with me. I still haven’t gone to the doctor for a check up to see if there is anything wrong. I don’t feel that anything has changed physically, but mentally I don’t think I have smiled or laughed since that night. I have cried and cried for hours while Michael was at work and spent the time that I was home locked away in his room and told everyone that my foot just hurt to much. I have to go for physical therapy tomorrow and have been seeing a shrink since the accident but he doesn’t know about anything really. I don’t like talking to him. Michael came with me to a session once and I almost told him then but I just couldn’t. He is supposed to come with me to the doctor tomorrow because he thinks that I will feel comfortable with Michael there. But I won’t!! Well Diary this is goodnight! I am going downstairs to drink a twelve pack of Dew and eat something energetic. Try not to fall asleep!! The nightmares will come back if I do!
Nov. 19-20
Well the only thing on that is good is some anime show and its making me sleepy. I don’t want to sleep if I sleep I will never be free of anything. I wish there was a way to enter my dream world that way I can destroy all of my nightmares. I am pretty much screwed right. It is one minute till midnight and my mom’s birthday. Well at least one good thing came from not sleeping I was able to finish her birthday present….Yeah!!! I hope she likes it if not then she can fuck off. What the hell I slaved over it every spare minute I wasn’t doing anything and if she doesn’t like it then I will be heartbroken. I know I wrote earlier but I just couldn’t stay awake so I figured I would try to write again. I really am tired though I have even taken out my very old dream catcher to hold the nightmares and leave the dreams. And I have been using a cleansing the dreams spell but none of them seem to work. Oh diary! I don’t want to think about Mary or Charlie or Michael, even. I feel so sad and mad inside and there is no way for me to vent it other than write in you and listen to Seether’s Broken. It is a very good song and quite fitting for what is going on. I don’t know what is wrong with me though and the shrink won’t tell me anything yet, that means he has no idea either. I really don’t know what to do anymore. I saw him today and he has decided that he wants Michael to come with me to every other meeting. How gay is that? I don’t want Michael to know anything but Mr. Shrink thinks it’s for the best. Nether one of them know about Charlie yet or well at leas not what really happened. I have a feeling that something very, very bad is about to happen and I have no idea what it is. What about my life could get any worse? I’m already doing badly in some of my classes and the ones that I am not doing badly in are tilting on the edge of iffy. One good thing about the shrink is even though I will not talk to him about Charlie or tell the whole story of Mary I have worked through other issues that I have supposedly had since I was a little girl. It seems I am one fucked up girl. I could have told him that. Well I guess I should go get ready for some bad dreams or prepare the couch for another night of old TV classics. Till later then my true friend.
November 28
Never knowing
But always feeling
When something’s gone bad
And when all the world
Has now gone black
All you see
Is death!
Never seeing
But always wondering
When something turns around
When the world spins again
Yet nothing seems still
And everything’s blurry
With tears!
Always going
Never truly moving
With each step taken
A step is left behind
When there is pain
Happiness may deplete,
With time.
Always crying
Never really smiling
When pain now shows
Everyone now starts to suspect
With every tear shed
A smile should
Be shown!
With every tear!
~Jaclyn Stugis
December 4
Oh my god oh my god oh my god!!!!! My life is over, I am done. They know! They all know what happened to Mary and to me. He told them! I hate that stupid shrink. That stupid little man made Zach and me, Zach was the guy in the car with us, have a session together and Zach didn’t know and told the shrink. Oh my god! The shrink then went and called a doctor because I was literally having a panic attack and I even had to be sedated. The shrink told my family and Michael about everything. I hate him and I hope he dies! No one will leave me alone now, everyone is crowding over me and Mary’s family won’t say one word to me. I think that they do blame me and I think Michael does to. He can no longer stand to look at me it seems every time he does he turns his head and blanches. He won’t even sleep in the same room as me anymore.
