From Dying to Waking - new version

Due to previous confusion - see the bottom of this piece



I can hear distant voices, but I can't see who is talking. I can't see anything, only a slow moving darkness. I know i'm here. I know I'm alive. I'm in a hospital. There's a tube inside me. I can hear the whee-whoop of a machine that's making me breath, and the chi-click of another that is keeping my heart beating.

Mama and Papa are talking somewhere close. Their voices are low and troubled, Mama's is shaking. They're talking about me, about taking the machines away.

Am I better now? Mama will I wake up soon?

I hear the cold voice of a doctor. I know him, and I don't like him; he's the doctor that always Mama cry. He asks if they should terminate.

Terminate what?

Papa says yes.

I feel a soft touch in my palm as mama's damp, trembling hand clasps mine. Am i waking up now?

Two more people enter with slow, tapping feet, and all sounds become alarmingly clear.

What's going on? Why are they so sad?

What's that noise? Mama, Papa?

I hear the whee-whoop being smouthered, and the chi-click being strangled into silence. Papa, what's happening?

No. Don't kill me. I don't want to die. I'm still alive. Please don't kill me.

Please!

No! Papa! Don't let them kill me.

Why is this happening? I don't understand. Don't kill me. Please don't kill me.

Please don't kill me.

Thud. Thud. Thud.

There is a new voice in the room, someone panicking. This voice is breathless, but still sweet.

Stranger, please. Don't let them kill me. I don't want to die.

I'll do anything stranger. Please, save my life.

Save my life...

Save my life.


____________



Life is a cycle of the past, present, and future. Three things that each decide eachother.

If we have nothing... What then? No past, no future. Not family or friends. No books or toys or stories to tell.

In that first moment we look out from the nothingness that was before. When an entity spends so long waiting to live, it's a terrifying concept that this life can end so easily. So soon we are burdened with a harsh reality and obligation. Breath or die.

Thus we take our first breath, and soar into a world where I am once again alone and naked to the air.

Surrounded by bright lights that make my skull fret to burst. Limbs paralysed, tiny patches attached to my skin that feel like nitrogen, their touch of a thousand needles stabbing over and over again. Nose imploding with the stench of disinfectant and new air, the blinding world that burns through the cores of my eyes.

Where? Why? Nothing makes sense except for the fear. I'm so confused. I can't focus on anything.

All the while my heart is hammering against my ribs, raw oxygen searing my lungs and awakening my body to a deafening pain.

I want to die...

No wonder babies scream when they're born.



Due to previous confusion - About this piece.
The idea of this is that the first part is told by someone who realises they're about to die. The second is a person who realises they're now alive. It deliberately has no italics or speach marks.
My original idea was of a child in a coma, what they're aware of outside it. Then the doctors want to terminate, until a stranger comes along. This stranger is a researcher who knows a way that might save the child.
Parts of it are based on personal experience, others i've made up to fill the gaps.
It's also a way to try and show that there are so many people who want to truely live, whilst so many others want to die. I've just stuck the two together for contrast.
Hope this helps.

Whoa...it's like the circle of life, ha. Great job!

Really sad thought. Sad, but true. Things happen like this all the time.

Great job


BBB

Wow. That blew me away.
The second part threw me, thought. What are you trying to accomplish?

I know i'm here. I know i'm alive. I'm in a hospital.

Capitalize your I's.

Am i better now? Mama will i wake up soon?

Again with the I's, and also; is he/she thinking this? Or asking it? If they are thinking it, you should put the thought in italics. If they're talking, use quotation marks.

I hear the voice of a doctor. I know him, and i don't like him; he's the doctor that always mama cry. He asks should we terminate.

Once again; the I's. Also, if he doctor is asking something, you shoudl use quotation marks.

Terminate what?

Are they thinking this? If so, italics.

-------------------

I haven't got the time to point out all those mistakes, because I'm a wee bit short on time. But you should go and CAPITALIZE all your I's and put thoughts in italics and speech in quotation marks.

I read the last bit, and I thought it was fantastic. I mean, wow. You really impressed me with that.

However, the first part needs some work. I would really like more description--what the darkness behind their closed lids looks like, what they hear when the people come in, what the feel, how their parent's voice sounds etc--so you might want to add some of that. Just try to touch on the 5 senses, and this will be a heck of a lot more interesting.

Keep writing,
Ayra

Wow! That was truly amazing. Of course as Ayra said you could make it better by clearing up who is speaking and thinking and when..but still I was blown away. =)

I thought it was terribly melodramatic; and what exactly was that second part about?

Capitalize your "i"s; it's very jarring to see half of them lowercase and the other half upper.

Mama, will i wake up soon?

He asks if they should terminate.

I can hear distant voices, but I can't see them.

I can't see voices, either.

Prokaryote

Umm... I didn't really get that. What was happening? This didn't really have a beginning, middle and ending. It was more a random scene. WHat was the point? And what were you trying to say?

I'm sorry, I just don't get it.

There were quite a few mistakes, but they've already been pointed out, so I won't mention them.

I know, I know. I'm used to using msword so I forget the I's. Still working on it.
The whole thoughts/speach issue, is that it's all written in first person, present tense. I was focusing mostly on voice rather than technique, kind of like a narrative. I do agree with your comments, next time i'll explain before anything else.
The main idea was in the title: From Dying to Waking. Beforehand it's someone who has realised they're about to die, but they want to live. Afterwards they've been given a second chance at living, and they're being born again.

BRILLIANT! I thought this was an extraordinary piece. You tried something new. You broke out of the chains of punctuation and you forced the reader to think and wonder and explore. It captivated me, enthralled me, pushed me to read more, and I think I appreciate this piece even more than you yourself can realize. You do have some capitalization errors. That's something you need to watch for when you're trying something so unconventional: you need to make sure everything else is correct as possible or, as you can see, people who don't understand the full depth of the story will be even further confused with these errors and you tend to lose more of an audience when taking that leap.

Now, for content, I think that in the first part, your character realizes too quickly that termination means death. You have so many confused questions, and then suddenly there's this panic out of fear of death, and it's a rather unrealistic transition. I'm not saying you need to take anything out; you just need to put a little bit more in in the middle to span things out and round the plot out. Also, many people might not have seen it, but in your little explanation of your thoughts, I think you need to just keep it the way it is. It's ambiguity that leads to the wonderment. It's interpretation that let's imaginations take your story to the next level. Just for future reference. On that same note, I think the stranger needs to be a stranger. Or maybe it could be a personification of Death. It could be the figure of death coming to you. But were I you, I'd keep it to where it's not a researcher, just a stranger. It adds to the helplessness of the narrator and the final death.


For the second story, I think you should take out that bottom explanation and the last line "No wonder babies scream when they're born." That kind of defeats your point of view, which brings me to my next thought. Point of View is very important. I enjoy your writing very much and even more so your style, which I'm starting to get a better picture of, and I think it would enhance your writing if you can keep a more rigid point of view. Here's a break down if you don't know what I'm talking about and if you are, I'm sorry.

1st person - uses words like I and tells the story as a narrative
2nd person - uses words like you and we, as if you were addressing the audience
3rd - Uses names and pronouns (he, she,they, etc.) and does not let the reader directly know the author's thoughts and opinions, and that gets into pretty advance technique.

Then there's omniscient and limited. Omniscient perpective sees everything and can see into the minds of all characters, where limited is fixed to one character. There aremore subdivisions in that, but that's the basic dram.


In your second story, you start out with a super-omniscient second person POV, but then you go into a first person limited. My suggestion is either make it all first person or create a third story, in which you can describe the cycles of life and all that jazz, while retaining the second one as first person despcription of being born. I kinda thought, at first, you were talking about reincarnation or something along those lines, but I know that's not really what you intended.

I'm very impressed with this piece and it shows that you are a fledging author with creative and deep thinking skills along with being able to communicate them. I apologize for the freakin long comment I left you, but it's only because I really enjoy your writing and I think that you have an excellent concept here. These are the types of stories and writings that people get remembered for. For thinking beyond the linear story and bring in that existential element. So, please, please, keep writing and listening to your own inner author even if others don't quite understand at first.