Haiku

1.
Brightest yellow orb,
in the blanket of dark blue,
shedding tears of light
.
can you guess what it is about?

Mayhap it is the sun.

I'm not sure I like this. It is cute and cryptic, both things I love... but something about it chips against the stone that is my brain. lol.

Ahh, reading over it I realise it is the lack of grammatical definition that gets to me. I am somewhat of a stickler for grammar. I don't know much about Haikus, and I hope I can help anyway.

Would it be possible to have a gramatically correct haiku? Something just gibbes against me, and I feel that you could do better with this.

Let me know if anything is changed. ^^

*Hearts* Le Penguin.

Mm. It was a haiku. I'm not a big fan of the form, although done well they can be breathtaking. I found this one a bit lacking in pizazz to be honest. It described something I already see every day in language I could find anywhere; the only unique thing was the form.

The way I see it, the form of a poem should compliment the content and vice versa. I think part of my problem here is that you're not really making the form work for you, you know? Yes, it is technically correct (from what I can see) but other than that it's just another haiku, and it could just as easily have been a typical A/B/A/B rhyme scheme thingie. It's just an observation arranged into 5/7/5 format. So it kind of falls flat.

I don't know. I hope that made some kind of sense to you Basically, I think you need to ask why you chose a haiku, and what it is about the haiku that epsecially benefits your poem/observation/insight, and go from there.

Cheers,
~bubbles

thanks everyone for the truth. Which i enjoy reading.

I WILL IMPROVE!!