Little Boy's Laugh

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Little Boy’s Laugh

The waves gently kissed the sides of the ship; beating out a steady rhythm as the ship slid smoothly through the murky depths of the sea. A man leaning upon a rail sighed; fingers restlessly running through his hair, the only signs of inner turmoil. His eyes gazed out to the distant horizon, searching for something that seemed always to elude him, slipping forever out of his reach.

It had begun as a mission, a mission of a desperate, disillusioned man. Reclusive and introverted he had long lost any connection with the outside world. This ‘holiday’ had been an excuse for him to re-enter a world which he had no longer any familiarity or understanding of. He had treated the holiday as a time of reconnaissance. He needed to gather information on the world; people and the intricate web of right and wrong; ideals and beliefs; thoughts and perceptions that human society was made up of.

He watched daily the unique and bizarre interactions of an equally unique and bizarre people that comprised of the members aboard the cruise ship. It was during one of these observations that ‘the Event’ occurred. A faint smile played upon the man’s lips as the memory of the incident came back to him.

The day had begun as many before it with the sun rising and the breeze blowing; however that day was destined to be different. Taking up his normal station around the pool he had watched once more. He had begun to tire of the people, feeling slightly sickened by the view of many a bare-chested middle aged man with a saggy and pale body; turning away with barely concealed disgust, a movement had caught his eye. Following it he found a little boy no more than six years old wrestling vigorously with a bottle of sunscreen. He watched for a while certain the boy’s mother would rush over to help him. As time passed he realised that the mother wasn’t coming.

He had stood up; hardly believing at the time he was doing it, and walked swiftly over to the boy. Gently prying the bottle from the boy’s fingers, he flicked open the lid and handed it back to the boy. The boy’s hands clutched at the bottle, staring blankly at it before blinking and gazing up at him. A smile had appeared on the boy’s face, growing larger before bursting open into peals of delighted laughter.
The man had stepped back, unsure how to react to such a display of emotion. Sensing the man’s insecurity the boy had offered him a hesitant smile; he had turned away then and begun to walk away, glancing over his shoulder. He saw the boy gazing wide-eyed at the bottle before promptly squirting its contents all over him self.

The man had been startled to find him self smiling at the boy’s antics. A hand grazed over his lips in wonderment, the smile grew until a chuckle fought itself up his throat and escaped between his smiling lips; chuckling the man had walked away from the little boy and the bottle of sunscreen.

The man blinked seeing once more the star-studded sky and moon-laced water before him as the scene faded once more into memory. He had set out on the trip with the intentions to re-enter the outside world using plans and careful observations and had instead found the outside world creep up on him not in the form of imitation or through the understating of the interactions between people but instead in the form of a little boy’s laugh.
Last edited by Wildecharlie818 on Tue Apr 08, 2008 7:10 am, edited 1 time in total.




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Put a blank line between your paragraphs!

Other than that, I love it. There's so little for me to critique in grammar and spelling - it makes me warm and fuzzy inside.

I can definitely relate to this story, feeling out of place in the zeitgeist... Analysing your environment, your relationships for some sort of key or secret to the way things work. Observing, planning... Yet the most unlikely thing happens, you're impressed, inspired by the smallest, most naive and innocent creature that can't necessarily form a well thought out and intelligible sentence, but whose simple existance and actions can bring about the most profound of all insights.

Your work is great. Seriously some of the best stuff I've read for a while.




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Okay, first off, Separate your paragraphs! You won't get many reviews if people are faced with a big huge wall of text. It puts them off. ^_^

The waves gently kissed the sides of the ship; beating out a steady rhythm as the ship slid smoothly through the murky depths of the sea.


Nice sentence, it creates a nice image. However, you use the word "ship" twice. In my opinion, it just looks awkward. People will understand what you're saying if you replace "ship" with "it".

It was during one of these observations that ‘the Event’ occurred.


If this is an important event, I would recommend saying it as "The Event". Either put caps on both words, or not at all.



A hand grazed over his lips in wonderment, the smile grew until a chuckle fought itself up his throat and escaped between his smiling lips; chuckling the man had walked away from the little boy and the bottle of sunscreen.


The last part sounds a bit strange. If I were you, I'd nix the semi-colon and try phrasing it like this:

A hand grazed over his lips in wonderment, and the smile grew. A chuckle fought it's way up his throat and escaped through his smiling lips. Still chuckling, the man had walked away from the bottle of sunscreen and the little boy.

Well, that pretty much covers it! Overall, I thought it was a very nice piece with an excellent theme. I hope to see more of your work!

Jya mattane!
"Funniest Member -- Sachiko. Secretly the devil. Do not engage. I repeat, do not engage." -- Iggy

"Behold ye babes of grammar: the goddess Sachiko. She does what she wants." -- Lauren2010




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Ahoy there! Welcome to YWS. My name is Razorblade. :D

Before I can critique this properly, there's a few things I need to bring to your attention. First, please space out your paragraphs much like I'm doing now. It makes it a lot easier on the eyes and attracts more critiques. ;)

Also, you absolutely must critique eight different pieces before you post any more of your own work. It's a rule here that you must critique at least 2 things before you post your own work, and that you must keep that ratio 2:1 at minimum. Since you've posted four works, you need to do four critiques.

Here's a couple helpful links for you:
Rules. You MUST read these!
A Quick Checklist for Before you Post

Let me know when you've done all these things, and then I'll critique this properly. Just send me a PM and I'll get back to you ASAP! :D

-St. Razorblade
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It's easier to come up with new stories than it is to finish the ones you already have. I think every author would feel that way.
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