Every day that I step into those hallways of that same school with the same smell and the same faces, I feel them watching me. I walk with a slight quickness to my step, hoping to get to my destination room where no one knows me. I can't find that room anymore. The more days that I attend, the more faces I start to recognize. The more people I meet, the quicker they find out my past. The more that this happens, the quicker my step becomes.
In the beginning, it was a kind of step up from my last school. I wasn't used to people knowing about my promiscuous ways and it secured a spot for me. It seemed to ensure that I would make friends a little bit quicker than if I had behaved myself in past years. The first day I was there, I saw a girl I recognized from a few years ago. Her hair had grown out a bit and her facial features had aged. I had last seen her at a small party where I lost all of my innocence as a 13-year-old girl never should. She smiled but I don't think she remembered me. Later that day I re-introduced myself and she very quickly remembered. That's where it began. I think that's where it began, at least. It was either that or my openess to tell Sarah about my past. Sarah; someone who very quickly became my shoulder and strength. She was like a shield for me, protecting me from being hurt and the more she protected me, the more rumors floated throughout the school. Now I'm not Chelsea anymore; now I'm Shane ... the girl who can't keep it in her pants. As funny as that sounds at first, the more it ruins my future.
I understand that there is only one success in life; to be able to spend your life in your own way, and not to give others absurd maddening claims upon it. But it seems like my reputation continues on as the lesbian player and there's nothing I can do to change that. Even as my relationship with Jess grows and blossoms into something I could have never imagined, there are people who still ask me if I've stayed true to her, if I've kept my promise.
Some people would look at my life and be so quick to judge and say that I'd be better off single and only have meaningless flings so that I can ensure the lesbian community that I can't hurt them anymore. Some see things as they are, and ask why? I dream things that never were, and ask why not? I don't understand why people continue to disbelieve that I have changed. I haven't failed at this, I've overcome so much after seeing what one person can do to another by becoming unfaithful and cruel. So, no, I haven't failed; I've found 10,000 ways that don't work.
I don't deny that, when I was with some of those girls (most of them), I hurt them because I didn't care enough about them. I had built up a skin that so few could break through. I was hurt before and learned to love no one ... mainly because I feared getting hurt myself. There were some who could break that barrier and only one of them hasn't hurt me. Some people look at the girls I hurt and then look at some of the girls I fell for and, in their stereotypical state, wondered why I chose to hurt girls who were so beautiful and only let in the other girls. What they see doesn't matter to me. It never did. Because, to be quite frank, when it comes to love, you don't always have a choice. Hurting those girls was the last thing on my agenda but I can't go back now.
Take me for who I am; the good and the bad. But please take the bad first because there's a lot more to sort through in that basket.
Maybe I'll bring some candy in tomorrow for Angel. So far, she's the only destination room I have.
