I'm scared shitless. I'm afraid to sleep because of the dreams, and I'm afraid to be awake because all these flashes keep squeezing through and I can't stuff them back like the way I used to. I'm afraid I'll be stuck in this place forever, and I'm afraid I won't, and I'm the biggest sorry-ass pussy there ever was, and I'm just plain old fucking scared. I want one shred of strength. That's all I'm asking for. Some strength to keep me moving through the day without snapping at the slightest thing. I stand in the living room and look out the big windows at the trees. All naked and scrawny. Not good for climbing. Not strong with thick leaves and fat branches you can swing up on and climb into and disappear. Sometimes from somewhere over my bed at night, I look down and I see me. I'm not that little kid anymore, I'm not all lazy and warm and bad. I'm just this bigger kid.
