Lycanthropy remake

I recently had an idea of how to make my old story better, so here it is.

I looked down at my papers that were covered in a warm glow from the candle next to it on the table that was covered with items. It was a report from several another general saying that we need to mover our forces to a more strategic point, but my mind was hardly on the report; it was with what happened to my life. I began my life as a nobody, a commoner in everyday life. Now, now I’m a commander of an entire army. I didn’t know how to wage war, I couldn’t tell a good strategy from a horrible one.

I folded the paper, placed it back into the envelope it came in, and placed it into a hidden drawer in the desk. “Private Opklan!” I called to the person that I knew who stood outside my tent.

“Yes, sir?” Opklan said, entering the tent through the tent flap in front of my desk. Opklan was a Vampire and with almost every single Vampire he had pale skin and hair black as coal. Even though hatred still simmered between Werewolves and Vampires, I would trust him with my life.

“Sit,” I commanded indicating to a chair in the back of the tent. He sat down and I sat in a chair from across from him. I looked him in the eyes and he stared right back. He was a tough one and didn’t loose his pride easily. “You’ve known me since this war began.”

“I have, sir, and I believe you can lead our two races into victory against the humans.”

I smiled, I couldn’t help it. “I want you to help me with something.”

“What is it, sir?”

“I need to tell you something that I haven’t told anyone else. I feel as if I tell you a big stress will be lifted off my shoulder.”

“Ok, sir?” Opklan asked confused. “What is it?”

“My past, I wish to tell you my past.” I stood up and picked up the finest bottle of whisky we had, poured two glasses, and handed one to Opklan. “This might be a while, so I suggest you get comfortable.”

“Yes sir.”

“First thing, don’t call me sir, call me Lethero. That is my real name.”

“Yes sir . . . I mean Lethero.”

“Well, let’s see my story begins in Zeinta, my home village, three long years ago . . .”


I was standing inside of a pitiful shack that me and my brother called home. The only pieces of furniture we had in their were two poorly constructed wooden chairs around a similar looking table. In the middle table was a half melted candle that gave off just enough light. The only window we had was covered in grim that only let little light. If were humans and lived in this shack we would most certainly die of starvation, but we are Werewolves and are very skilled hunters.

My brother limped into the shack through the door letting in a cold breeze from outside. He looked grim, more grim than usual. “What is it, Scado?” I asked him. I looked at his shoulder and saw that his brown fur was covered in dry blood. “We need to get you to Geedo!” I cried.

“No,” he said in a pained voice. “We need to warn the village.”

“No, right now, we need to get you to Geedo, he can fix you up and then we can warn them.”

“No!” he yelled through clenched teeth. “This is more important than me. Humans are coming, and they’re coming fast. I barely managed to escaped. I was shot in my shoulder and my leg.” I looked down at his leg and sure enough blood crusted his lower right leg. “We’ll need to tell the others. This entire village is more worth saving than me.”

“I’ll go warn them, you need to stay here or try to get to Geedo’s if you can.” I stood up and ran towards the door.

“Lethero,” Scado called just before I walked out the door. I turned around and saw him sitting in one of the chairs. “Tell them that they’re coming from the north and that they got that new weapon of theirs; the fire stick.”

Tell me if i should keep that cliffhanger there. If not I can add more.

You need to space between paragraphs... including dialogue +:)=:D When you do that, I will be more than happy to review.

There are several somewhat weird grammatical errors in your story. I underlined them.


I looked down at my papers that were covered in a warm glow from the candle next to it on the table that was covered with items. That is a really long run-one sentence
You could say "I looked down at my candle-lit papers. They took up the one space on my desk not covered with other things." Or something to that effect.

It was a report from several another general saying that we need to mover our forces to a more strategic point, but my mind was hardly on the report; it was with what happened to my life. maybe it's just me, but that line took me a couple reads to understand. You might want to reword it I began my life as a nobody, a commoner in everyday life. Now, now I’m a commander of an entire army. I didn’t know how to wage war, I couldn’t tell a good strategy from a horrible one.
I folded the paper, placed it back into the envelope it came in, and placed it into a hidden drawer in the desk. “Private Opklan!” I called to the person that I knew [s]who[/s] stood outside my tent.


“Yes, sir?” Opklan said, entering the tent through the tent flap in front of my desk. Opklan was a Vampire and with that word doesnt really mke sense there, a better word would be 'like' almost every single Vampire he had pale skin and hair black as coal. Even though hatred still simmered between Werewolves and Vampires, I would trust him with my life.
“Sit,” I commanded ,indicating to a chair in the back of the tent. He sat down and I sat in a chair [s]from[/s] across from him. I looked him in the eyes and he stared right back. He was a tough one and didn’t loose his pride easily. “You’ve known me since this war began.”


“I have, sir, and I believe you can lead our two races into victory against the humans.” I thought that this guy knew nothing about strategies, why does he have such faith in him?


I smiled, I couldn’t help it. “I want you to help me with something.”


“What is it, sir?”


“I need to tell you something that I haven’t told anyone else. I feel as if I tell That phrase doesn't make sense. It would if you change it to'that is I tell you' you a big stress will be lifted off my shoulder.”


“Ok, sir?” Opklan asked confused. “What is it?”


“My past, I wish to tell you my past.” I stood up and picked up the finest bottle of whisky we had, poured two glasses, and handed one to Opklan. “This might be a while, so I suggest you get comfortable.”


“Yes sir.”


“First thing, don’t call me sir, call me Lethero. That is my real name.”


“Yes sir . . . I mean Lethero.”


“Well, let’s see my story begins in Zeinta, my home village, three long years ago . . .”


I was standing inside of a pitiful shack that me and my brother it should be 'my brother and I' called home. The only pieces of furniture we had in their should be 'there' were two poorly constructed wooden chairs around a similar looking table. In the middle table was a half melted candle that gave off just enough lightjust enough light for.....what?. The only window we had was covered in grim do you mean grime? that only let little light. If were humans that doesnt even make sense and lived in this shack we would most certainly die of starvation, but we are you changed tense from past to presentWerewolves and are very skilled hunters.


My brother limped into the shack through the door where else would he come from?? letting in a cold breeze from outside. He looked grim, more grim than usual. “What is it, Scado?” I asked him. I looked at his shoulder and saw that his brown fur was covered in dry blood. “We need to get you to Geedo!” I cried.


“No,” he said in a pained voice. “We need to warn the village.”


“No, right now, we need to get you to Geedo, he can fix you up and then we can warn them.”


“No!” he yelled through clenched teeth. “This is more important than me. Humans are coming, and they’re coming fast. I barely managed to escaped. I was shot in my shoulder and my leg.” I looked down at his leg and sure enough blood crusted his lower right leg. “We’ll need to tell the others. This entire village is more worth saving than me.”


“I’ll go warn them, you need to stay here or try to get to Geedo’s if you can.” I stood up and ran towards the door.


“Lethero,” Scado called just before I walked out the door. I turned around and saw him sitting in one of the chairs. “Tell them that they’re coming from the north and that they got that new weapon of theirs; the fire stick.”


You have some really odd phrses in there. I think that next time you should proofread a couple times before submitting anything ok?
PM me if you write more!

Hey Ash.

Firstly, I think this could go with more showing than telling. You told us of what is happening and all that kind of stuff but I can't really picture much besides from the description in the first few lines.

Secondly, I know they are in a middle of a meeting right now, but I think you should devote more time to characterize them more. I suggest maybe describe the actions and thoughts of one of the characters (perferrably the main character) so that we can at least relate to one of them and feel more drawn with the story and what is happening.

I hope that helped.
Andy.

Greetings, Ash! Let's see how much story I can tear up here...

I looked down at my papers that were covered in a warm glow from the candle next to it on the table that was covered with items.

One way to tell that it's a run-on sentence is the repetition of words such as 'that'. Let's try something like this: I looked down at my papers in the warm glow of the candle which sat in the midst of the terrible mess upon the table.Or: I sat next to the warm candlelight and read over the papers which sat upon the terribly messy table.

It was a report from several another general saying that we need to mover our forces to a more strategic point, but my mind was hardly on the report; it was with what happened to my life.I began my life as a nobody, a commoner in everyday life. Now, now I’m a commander of an entire army. I didn’t know how to wage war, I couldn’t tell a good strategy from a horrible one.

What're we trying to say? "from several other generals" or "from another general"? I think you know what you're saying, so we shall fix it, no? ^_^

Oh, and there's a typo.

Btw, I don't know if the semicolon's needed. I'd prefer a double dash, like so: ...but my mind was hardly on the report--it was with what happened to my life. The underlined part in the quote is awkward. This is your transition to a flashback, no? We can make it smoother.

...but my mind was not on the report.

No, I started wondering how I even earned the post I was in. Seeing this report, I notice how others trusted me. However, as a child, I was a nobody--a commoner among the streets. How I got my position as a commander, I would never know. No one should come to me about war. I couldn't even tell the different between a perfect strategy and a horrible one. No, I was a nobody. Why did no one see that as plainly as I did?

I folded the paper, placed it back into the envelope it came in, and placed it into a hidden drawer in the desk. “Private Opklan!” I called to the person that I knew who stood outside my tent.

You repeated the same word. We can leave the first one, and then do: ...and set it into a hidden drawer in the desk. Btw, a hidden drawer? It's not easy to hide a drawer in the desk. It's either not hidden, or hidden so well that you should probably describe to us where this drawer is. If you mention a hidden drawer, you have to show it to us too. Otherwise, if you don't want the reader to know where it is, just say he 'put it aside' or 'put it away'.

The second part can be rephrased into a smoother sentence. "Private Opklan!" I called to the person standing outside my tent.

“Yes, sir?” Opklan said, entering the tent through the tent flap in front of my desk. Opklan was a Vampire and, [s]with[/s] like almost every single Vampire, he had pale skin and hair black as coal.

Later you also mention how the commander would trust Opklan with his life. I would like to know why.

“Sit,” I commanded indicating to a chair in the back of the tent. He sat down and I sat in a chair from across from him.

Lol, let's delete one of them...probably the first 'from'.

I smiled, I couldn’t help it. “I want you to help me with something.”

Instead of a comma, try a double dash.

I feel as if I tell you a big stress will be lifted off my shoulder.”

I feel that, if I tell you, a big stress will be lifted from my shoulders.

“Ok, sir?” Opklan asked confused. “What is it?”

I don't like using 'ok' as spelling for 'ok', lol. Could you use 'okay' instead? Or you could just have him say 'alright'. Also, is "Ok, sir?" really supposed to be a question? Normally, it would be a comma.

“My past, I wish to tell you my past.” I stood up and picked up the finest bottle of whisky we had, poured two glasses, and handed one to Opklan. “This might be a while, so I suggest you get comfortable.”

This is kind of...blah, lol. It's a, "Okay, reader, I'm going to tell you of my MC's past, so pay attention!" Bad stuff. We want the reader to learn the past without them knowing that they're learning it, if you catch my drift. We could do: Something about my childhood has been nagging me. Maybe you could help me understand why. Or try: [/i]I'm going to tell you a story, and you tell me what you think.[/i] Or something other than what you have, lol.

“Yes sir.”

“First thing, don’t call me sir, call me Lethero. That is my real name.”

“Yes, sir . . . I mean, Lethero.”

Telling Opklan to call his commander by his first name is a real honor. You better have Lethero explain that he trusts Opklan, or say that they've been through too much together for Opklan to address him respectively. I dunno. Also, I haven't caught this before, but there's a comma in front of the name or title like here: Comma after 'yes' and comma after 'mean' because you're addressing someone else. You'll have to change that somewhere else.

“Well, let’s see my story begins in Zeinta, my home village, three long years ago . . .”

I don't know Lethero very well, so I don't know if it's like him to say 'three long years ago' as smoothly and easily as he did here. Maybe put emphasis on 'long' (like in italics) or put 'very long' in italics.

In the middle table was a half melted candle that gave off just enough light.

Just enough light to...what? See each other's faces? See the card game in front of them (not that they're playing one ^_^)?

The only window we had was covered in grim that only let little light.

Are you trying to say 'grime' as in dirt?

If we were humans and lived in this shack, we would most certainly die of starvation, but we are Werewolves and are very skilled hunters.

Rephrase to something like: If we were humans and lived in this shack, we would most certainly die of starvation. However, we are Werewolves and, as good hunters as we are, we can survive this place easily.

“We need to get you to Geedo!” I cried.

Show us his panic. Did he jump out of his chair? Did he knock his chair over as he ran to his brother's aid? Did his heart skip a beat at the sight of his brother? This is also your chance to describe Scado a little more. You told us he was brown--that's a good start. Knowing you came up with this, I think it'll be a good challenge to have you go even deeper. Maybe he has blood dripping down his burly body, or his fur was disoriented, or a huge gash lay on his shoulder, tearing the strong muscles he had. Maybe he was out of breath, there was an angry spark in his eyes, or a worried look in his eyes. I can picture him leaning on the door frame as he spoke to Lethero, looking exhausted. Maybe include that too. I dunno, but this is your chance to explain the very details of your race. What's a Werewolf to you? Describe it to the reader.

“No, right now, we need to get you to Geedo, he can fix you up and then we can warn them.”

No! Right now, Geedo needs to see you. He can fix you up before we say any warnings--

I looked down at his leg and, sure enough, blood crusted his lower right leg

Before this, you said, "No!" with an exclamation point. You can still use the exclamation point on the next two or three sentences, but not all of them. Do only a couple to make it more dramatic. Drama can be good. ^_^

Now, here, you repeat 'leg' twice. We can name a muscle. Try this: I looked down at this leg and, sure enough, dry blood covered his right calf.

“We’ll need to tell the others. This entire village is more worth saving than [s]me[/s] I am.”

“I’ll go warn them, you need to stay here or try to get to Geedo’s if you can.” I stood up and ran towards the door.

Have Lethero make a heavy sigh, knowing that Scado was right (even add 'as he usually is'). Maybe Lethero tripped over something as he ran toward the door. Or he was already at the door where I pointed out earlier.

"I'll go warn them, then," Lethero said with a sigh. "However, you have to stay here or go see Geedo."

“Lethero,” Scado called just before I walked out the door. I turned around and saw him sitting in one of the chairs. “Tell them that they’re coming from the north and that they got that new weapon of theirs; the fire stick.”

Maybe Scado has his leg propped up on another chair? Or he winces as he lifts his leg onto the other chair? Or Lethero sees Scado's exhaustion now that he's by the candlelight.

We can also make this more dramatic: "Lethero," Scado said quickly. I stopped in my tracks and turned to see Scado carefully sitting himself in the chair. He winced, his teeth clenched, before he finally relaxed and spoke with a serious tone, "They have the Fire Stick." If you're leaving a cliffhanger, we want to leave the reader wanting to read more to find out what the Fire Stick is and what will happen now. This will make a good cliffhanger if phrased correctly.

Overall, very good! You have very good comma use. People struggle with commas, but you do very well! There's only a couple spots that needed them. ^_^

More characterization, as Squallz, I believe, mentioned. I want to know if Lethero is a brave person, a quick thinker...show me qualities that prove Lethero deserves to be a commander in the future. And Scado is Lethero's older brother, right? (I remember your characters! ^^; )

Scado will certainly be more worried about his little brother going out on his own when humans are lurking near the village. Maybe, as an older sibling (being one myself) tries to toughen it out. He comes in the shack, but he doesn't even look injured. Lethero doesn't even notice Scado's injuries are serious until he's limping to the table, or he falls against the door frame for support.

Have older siblings, like me, relate to Scado, or have younger siblings/middle children relate to Lethero! Maybe Lethero wants to be just like Scado, or maybe he wants to be better than Scado. Of course, you'll have to say 'better at what'. Maybe Lethero is interested in the offense while Scado is interested in the defense. (In other words, Lethero wants to kill the bad guys right away while Scado wants to make sure his people are safe)

And Opklan: you say he's a tough guy, but I don't see a tough guy when you mention Opklan or when he speaks. If he's a tough guy...how tough is he? Is he big, burly, and strong? Is he really smart and a quick thinker? Maybe Opklan has some nervous habit he does, like twiddle his fingers or bites his lip or his tail shivers--I dunno, you know your race more than I do, lol.

But that's the thing, you want the reader to know your characters as well as you. That's your main problem that you need to fix. Show me the characters, don't just tell me. Dialogue can do a lot to personality. Some people speak properly, some people slur their words, some people have accents. ^_^

Well, I got more to crit. I like your stories, and you're a very good writer. ^_^ I'd like to read the next part.

Keep writing! PM me if any questions!

Jabber, the One and Only!