Depredation of Nightmares Chapter 6

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Chapter 6
As they called the first werecat up to the podium to introduce themselves, my mind was racing. In the short moment it took for the speaker to begin, I was desperate. What was I going to say? I’m a freak of nature, pick me?

Part of me wondered why it mattered to me so much, but the other part had an idea. I always got nervous in front of a crowd; at least I always had in my human life. Was I still the same? Or had I become a whole different person that I, myself, didn’t even know? Had I managed to keep my personality?

I shook my head and tried not to dwell on my human life too much; this would be a bad place to have an emotional breakdown.

So I decided to stick with the truth. I outran a werecat, picked a fight with Griff, and for some reason, turned into a werecat without a full moon. I had to admit, it made me sound mysterious and even powerful, but it was mostly just me losing control of myself. And that didn’t sound mysterious or powerful to me.

Someone tapped my shoulder, and I spun around in surprise. Rheeba grinned back, “You wanna’ meet the rest of us?”

“Sure, why not,” I shrugged, glad of a distraction.

She grinned again. Actually she didn’t really grin again, seeing as the grin hadn’t left her face in the first place; it never did. She shuffled through the crowd, with me at her heels, and stopped in front of a short, fierce looking girl with red orange eyes and untidy black hair that was cropped in the back and dangled over her eyes in the front.

“This is Jasmine, but everyone calls her Tiger. Actually, pretty much everyone has a nickname here but we use some more than others; Tiger’s is one we use all the time ‘cuz she likes it better and we all think it fits her…”

“Yeah and yours is RR, for Rambling Rheeba,” Tiger cut in, smiling. The smile didn’t do much to make her look any tamer; it was kind of a wild, almost mad smile that electrified her fiery eyes.

Rheeba grinned sheepishly, and I could see she was fighting an urge to respond.

Tiger flashed her eyes over to me, sizing me up and down, “I know who you are, of course. You’re the one who beat Griff and turned into a werecat.”

I nodded, frowning at first but then letting a reckless smile slip onto my face. I had to admit, if I was going to be well-known for anything, this would have to be it.

Tiger grinned at me and her wide eyes continued to hold mine as Rheeba led me to someone else. I finally ripped my eyes from Tiger’s and turned my attention to the next person Rheeba introduced me to. He was short with spiky blonde hair, a babyish face, and mischievous sky-blue purple eyes. He had the look of a small child that had maturity forced upon him, while still maintaining a certain playful nature.

“Hello!” he greeted me in a distinct British accent.

“This is Breck, or Puppydog, as I like to call him. He’s been here a long time so if you have any questions, he’s the one to ask,” Rheeba went on cheerfully.

It seemed funny that a werecat would be called ‘Puppydog’ of all names.

He nodded and his smile seemed to light up his face, lifting years from his appearance, “You’re Coden, then? Rheeba said she knew you, but I didn’t believe her. Guess I was wrong”-he laughed-“Well let me be the first to welcome you to club monster!”

I laughed, “Thanks, means a lot to me.”

He smiled, “I had a feeling it would. So what are you guys up to?”
“I’m introducing her to everyone. Hey is it just me or is Tiger acting really weird?”

“Weirder than usual? Nah, she gets like that every time someone new comes. She’ll get over it in a little while,” Breck said confidently, with the air of someone who definitely knew what he was talking about.

“Cooper, Breck?” the guide announced, motioning towards the podium.

“Well that’s me, see you later Coden,” Breck started walking to the spotlight.

“K, you too,” I called, smiling.

Rheeba wasted no time, seizing my arm and dragging me off towards my next victim.

I was still watching Breck at the stand, admiring how calm he looked, when Rheeba announced, “This is Godzilla.”

I was just thinking, Godzilla?! What the...?, when I caught sight of him. Let’s just say if you looked him in the eyes too long, your neck would fall off. He was huge, standing maybe six and a half feet and two feet thick. He had a friendly smile, but it looked slapped on, not agreeing with the rest of his face. His eyes were a dark green with neon green flecks and were shadowed by enormous black eyebrows and short, messy black hair. He had a large chin and block like features, emphasized by a thick, muscular build.

I realized my mouth was hanging open; how had I not seen him before? He would be easy to spot in a crowd, that’s for sure. I shook my head slightly, and closed my mouth.

His reckless grin widened, “Hullo.”

Rheeba smiled at me, “None of us know what his real name is, he doesn’t remember his human life. So he’s Godzilla.”

I nodded, trying to keep my cool. He stuck out a hand and I gripped it… barely. His large, rough hands easily dwarfed mine so you could barely call it a handshake.

Rheeba led me on and I gave her an incredulous look. How many more could there be?

She smiled apologetically and walked towards another.

In the time it took for the next person after Breck to finish their turn at the podium, I had met Shadow; a mysterious, impassive guy with dark eyes and a sinister face, Diana; a bubbly motherly girl with bouncing blonde curls and gold brown eyes, Evalee; a short, Irish girl with red hair and green eyes who was unbelievably shy, and Lathan; a cruel sneering boy with straight blonde hair and icy blue eyes who reminded me of Erin. How many more people could their possibly be? Rheeba never seemed to tire of the intros but I sure did.

When the guide finally called, “Daniels, Rheeba” to the stand, I nearly laughed with relief.

This time, as Rheeba talked, I watched. She wasn’t smiling, not exactly, but she still looked much more approachable than a lot of werecats I had met. She went on talking about her previous training, who had bitten her, how long she had been here, natural talents and strong points… All the while, I glanced from her unusually straight face to the council members, who were all scribbling notes madly.

I paid attention to the way Rheeba spoke about her talents and history, in lists, not elaborating on anything. It seemed to be an appropriate and efficient way to do it, but it was so unlike her that I wondered if that was how all werecats were: acting as if they were without a personality in public.
It wasn’t encouraging.

I had learned a lot about my friendly cabinmate while she spoke; for instance, she had been a werecat three years, had been bitten by someone named Arley, had trained with Lachlan and Kynan, and some of her strong points were tactical intelligence and thinking things through.

A hand tapped my shoulder, breaking my train of thought. I whirled around, half expecting it to be Rheeba even though I knew she was at the stand.
So of course, it wasn’t Rheeba. It was a boy who, even after Rheeba’s tour, I didn’t know.

“Hey,” he said cheerfully, “I’m Stryder. I heard it was you who turned into a werecat and decided to ask for myself.”

You and the rest of the world, I thought as I took a step back, “Yeah it was.”

“Man, you’re lucky,” he said in a jokingly wistful voice.

I laughed, “Sure.”

He smiled, “So who have you met?”

I rolled my eyes, “Rheeba took me on a tour so I know Tiger, Breck, Godzilla, Shadow, Diana, Evalee, and Lathan. Oh and Erin and Clarissa are in my cabin.”

“Wow. That sounds like Rheeba alright, but of course she would avoid me,” he looked at his feet.

“Why’s that?”

He glanced up at me, he had lovely blue eyes, and answered, “Oh she’s just never liked me as much as everyone else. I can’t figure out why. I’m not that scary, am I?”

No, he was not. In fact, he looked like the kind of guy that would have a million friends and about as many girls crushing on him. He had wispy black hair, electrifying eyes that were varying shades of blue, a large friendly smile, and nearly perfect features. It almost made you want to hate him.

I realized he was staring at me and shook my head, “No, you’re not that scary. I mean, I’ll be having nightmares for weeks, but this is a werecat camp.”

He grinned, “Yeah I figured as much, I get that a lot.”

Yeah right.

“I’m sure you do.”

He flashed his perfect teeth. Man that was annoying; did he have to be so perfect?

I distracted myself by asking, “Have you gone up yet?”

“Yeah,” he said, “But I sounded like a complete idiot, I’ll probably be the only one that isn’t picked.”

“I don’t know, you might have some competition.”

He raised an eyebrow.

“Me,” I clarified.

He laughed, “You?! Practically everyone will want to train you because of what happened last night. Speaking of which, what really happened? I mean, I’ve heard the story but…”

I sighed, “I got into a fight with Griff and won. Rourke pulled me aside to ask me what happened but I sorta’ exploded into a werecat and almost killed him. Then we went to Llewellyn. The end.”

“So why didn’t you kill him?” he pressed eagerly.

“Because I realized what I was doing and stopped.”

“Wow.”

“What?”

“Well it’s just that I’ve been a werecat and it’s really hard to stop if you’re that close.”

This surprised me, it hadn’t been hard for me at all. But a more pressing matter was on my mind, he had said it had been hard to stop… I whispered the question, “Have you ever killed anyone?”

He looked away awkwardly, then nodded, “We all have.”

Well great! Camp monster… land of the lunar enslaved and home of the murderers. Catchy.

Stryder was watching me awkwardly, and I tried to think of something appropriate to say.

“Freeman, Coden?” came the call. I was actually happy to get it.

“See you later,” I said to Stryder and strode towards the podium.

Funny how the crowd of people seemed to triple as soon as I stepped behind it.

“Uhh,” I began, using my expert skills to convey my awesomeness to the crowd, “I was bitten about two days ago by Guerin, Rourke stopped him killing me because I outran Guerin. I won a fight against Griff and I turned into a werecat last night.”

I stepped down from the podium, watching the council members scribble notes.

Rheeba met up with me, offering a friendly smile. I thought it looked sort of sympathetic.

That was odd; I wondered what my face looked like.

Whatever, I could worry about that later.

Because I had plenty to worry about already.
Last edited by cat4prowl on Mon Dec 24, 2007 4:00 am, edited 4 times in total.




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Oh my gosh...I hate you! Why did you have to leave at that spot? You HAD to hold me in suspense huh?

Grrrr...

Well, I loved it. Everything about except : you use the word 'Yah' a TON! Let me tell you, it got frustrating to read.

Well, good job! I loved it!

You #1 fan


BBB
Just write -- the rest of life will follow.

Would love help on this.




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thanx! i edited it and tried to take out some of the 'yahs'




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Had I retained my defining features?


'Retained'...I dunno, it sounds weird in contrast to the vocabulary that Coden usually chooses.

I shook my head and tried not to dwell on my human life too much; this would be a bad place to have an emotional breakdown.


Lol, I love that bit! I just have to say that I love it! :)

I had to admit, it made me sound mysterious and even powerful, but it was mostly just me losing control of myself; which didn’t sound mysterious or powerful to me.


I don't really like the way that sentence runs on. :?
I think you should try something like:
I had to admit, it made me sound mysterious and even powerful, but it was mostly just me losing control of myself. And that doesn't sound mysterious or powerful to me.

Someone tapped my shoulder, and I spun ‘round in surprise.


'round sounds weird. Why not just say 'around'?

She shuffled through the crowd, with me at her heels, and stopped in front of a short, fierce looking girl with red orange eyes and short untidy black hair.


I don't think you should say 'short' twice in the same sentence. :wink:
I would suggest keeping it for her height, but saying something different for her hair, like 'cropped' or 'compact' instead of short for her height. I dunno. Something different.

Actually, pretty much everyone has a nickname here but we use some more than others, Tiger’s is one we use all the time ‘cuz she likes it better and we all think it fits her…”


I think you should replace the comma after 'others' with a semi-colon or just make them two separate sentences:
Actually, pretty much everyone has a nickname here but we use some more than others. Tiger's is one we use all the time 'cuz she likes it better and we all think it fits her..."

I finally ripped my eyes from Tiger’s and turned my attention to the next person Rheeba introduced me to; he was short with spiky blonde hair, a babyish face, and mischievous sky-blue purple eyes.


I don't think that sentence is right...maybe change it to:
I finally ripped my eyes from Tiger's and turned my attention to the next person Rheeba introduced me to. He was short with spiky blonde hair, a babyish face, and mischievous sky-blue purple eyes.

He had a large chin and block like features, emphasized by a thick muscular build.


I think there should be a comma after 'thick'.

I realized my mouth was hanging open, how had I not seen him before?


Replace the comma after 'open' with a semi-colon. :)

His large rough hands easily dwarfed mine so you could barely call it a handshake


I think there should be a comma after 'large'.

Rheeba led me on, and I gave her an incredulous look, how many more could there be?


I think you should rephrase this:
Rheeba led me on and I gave her an incredulous look. How many more could there be?

She smiled an apologetic smile and walked towards another.


I don't really like how you repeated 'smile', or kind of. I think you should say:
She smiled apologetically and walked towards another.
OR:
She smiled in an apologetic way and walked towards another.

In the time it took for the next person after Breck to finish their turn at the podium, I had met Shadow; a dark mysterious impassive guy with dark eyes and a sinister face, Diana; a bubbly motherly girl with bouncing blonde curls and gold brown eyes, Evalee; a short, Irish girl with red hair and green eyes who was unbelievably shy, and Lathan; a cruel sneering boy with straight blonde hair and icy blue eyes who reminded me of Erin.


That's a really long sentence, but you used semi-colons so it's okay. :wink: However, I don't like how you used 'dark' twice to describe Shadow. :? I think you should rephrase that bit:
...Shadow, a dark, mysterious, impassive guy with [insert synonym for dark here] eyes and a sinister face...
There are plenty of synonyms for dark. I can name a few off the top of my head now: gloomy, somber, dull, dusky, inky, shaded, shady, sooty, ebony.

I whirled ‘round, half expecting it to be Rheeba even though I knew she was at the stand.


The 'round just sounds odd...:?

He glanced up at me, he had lovely blue eyes, and answered, “Oh she’s just never liked me as much as everyone else. I can’t figure out why. I’m not that scary, am I?”


I think it should be:
He glanced at me, and I noticed that he had lovely blue eyes.

Man that was annoying, did he have to be so perfect?


I think you should replace the comma after 'annoying' with a semi-colon.

Funny how the crowd of people seemed to triple as soon as I stepped behind it.


Behind it? Im confused...did you mean to say 'In front'? :?

“I was bitten about two days ago by Guerin, Rourke stopped him killing me because I outran Guerin.


I don't know if that's just the way you chose for her to talk, but I think there should be an 'and' instead of the comma.

That was odd; I wondered what my face looked like.


I can totally relate there--sometimes, especially in awkward situations, I randomly wonder what I look like. :lol:

---------------------------

Well, now that I've finished with the nit-picks, let me say this:
You have talent.
Seriously. I'm not just saying that.

Before I gush on about what I loved in this Chapter, I'll say what bothered me. It's always better to get the worst bit over first. :wink:
So. Your weaknesses....well, there aren't that many.
One thing I noticed is that you tend to tell [instead of show] a tad too much. I mean, even if you didn't fix that, this would still be amazing. It's just something to consider.
Also, imagery. I know where she is 'n all, but I think you should add some more descriptions of her surroundings.
But that just about sums it up!

Your strengths! :D
Your characters are very, very well-developed. You have managed to make them seem like Werecats yet at the same time credible and I can relate to them. That's good.
Also, the dialogue is excellent. It helps you convey a character's personality and for this I congratulate you! :)
And, you give the story a kind of wry humor, which is really cool. Even in these last couple Chapters, where there hasn't always been a ton of action, I always want to keep reading because Coden is just freakin' hilarious. :P

Keep writing,
Ayra :smt001
everything i loved
became everything i lost.


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Darn you, Ayra! You caught all the good ones. :(

BUT! I found a few nit-picks that escaped Ayra's combing:

cat4prowl wrote:I was just thinking, Godzilla?! What the...?, when I caught sight of him.

The part in bold should be in quotes... or italics.

cat4prowl wrote:I realized he was staring at me and shook my head, “No, you’re not that scary. I mean, I’ll be having nightmares for weeks, but this is a werecat camp.”

He grinned, “Yeah I figured as much, I get that a lot.”

This kinda' confused me... what does he get a lot?? That it's the camp that's scary, not him?! A bit odd, IMHO.

cat4prowl wrote:Well great! Camp monster… land of the lunar enslaved and home of the murderers. Catchy.

This just had me laughing. Your narrative is hilarious.

cat4prowl wrote:“Uhh,” I began, using my expert skills to convey my awesomeness to the crowd, “I was bitten about two days ago by Guerin, Rourke stopped him killing me because I outran Guerin. I won a fight against Griff and I turned into a werecat last night.”

I have to say; I was a little disappointed in this bit. I was expecting her to talk about talents that SHE thought were really cool (like maybe how much she loves running) and not the thing that everyone ELSE is making a really big deal of but she thinks is like 'whatever'... i.e. the incident with Griff.

I agree with BBB, this is a really suspenseful place to call a coffee break. :P

Ayra wrote:I always want to keep reading because Coden is just freakin' hilarious.

Amen on that, Ayra!

So yeah, this is getting really good! I love how cynical Coden's narration is... especially concerning the circumstances! I still think that you should either talk about what her life was before she was a werecat, or say outright something like: 'I realized suddenly that I could remember almost nothing of my human life. I could remember being chased by Guerin and being cornered on the fire escape, but I couldn't recall anything of my family life or my daily routine... had I had a family? If so, would they be missing me now? And why the heck was I out in back alleys at such an hour?....' You know, something like that. And that could be in a time when her cabinmates/fellow young werecats are discussing their families, schools, etc?

Just a thought, but I definitely think that that problem has to be solved. :wink:

Keep up the good work, my friend and definitely keep the PM notifications coming!! (even if you can't think of subjects :P )

Hope this helps! PM me with questions/comments!!!

~Azila~



Beware of advice—even this.
— Carl Sandburg