Silent#1

My voice was taken away when I was younger. At about the age of three, the princess was born, as rumor said, without a voice. Speech is important for ruling a kingdom and without it you could be easily over thrown.

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Soldiers came knocking on doors, looking for something and did odd things. They pinched many newborn babies until they gave out a cry, and if that cry for some reason did not satisfy them then they move onto the next baby. When they could find nothing of what they were looking for in the newborns, then they went onto the one year old babies. They made them laugh, and cry and were still not satisfied. Moved onto the two year old girls and asked them to sing, it was quite horrible I heard. That seemed to be their limit for they marched towards the palace empty handed. At that moment, being naughty, I somehow escaped from my house and ran out into the street. I stopped to stare at the soldiers make their way towards the palace for a while before a butterfly, white and delicate as cloud, flew past me and I ran after it. I giggle, laughed and sang a tune as I danced with the butterfly. Suddenly the soldiers were by my side and I looked up at them in aw.

"How old are you girl?" asked the soldier gruffly. I help up three fingers and smiled. The soldier who had spoken turned to a red haired soldier.

"Too bad, she is too old," said the soldier who had spoken.

"By one year! That is not too bad," whispered the red haired soldier. The other soldiers gave a nod of agreement.

"Well little girl, looks like you are coming with us to the palace," said the red haired soldier as he leaned down and grabbed my hand. He started to drag me away and I struggled. The I started to cry and call for my mother.

"Ellie? Where are you? Why...what are you doing!" called my mother as I saw here running towards me. The soldiers stopped and waited.

"This is my daughter! Thank you for finding her. I will take her," breathed Mother as she reached towards me. The soldier jerked me away.

"I am sorry, but that will be impossible. She is coming with us. We have found what we have been looking for. Do not worry, we will take care of her in the palace," the soldier said and started to walk away.

"You cannot do that! She is my daughter. It is not right to just take her!" yelled Mother. The soldier ignored her and continued to walk away.

"What do you need her for anyway?" asked Mother as she ran to keep up with the soldiers.

"That is secret. Now leave with your life!" shouted the soldier who held onto me and drew out his sword. My mother stopped, shock written all over her face. The soldier continued to drag me away from my mother whom I never saw again.

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I lay awake in my bed replaying the memory over and over. It had happened ten years ago and it was as clear as ever. I stilled remembered my mothers face. Her large green eyes that always looked at me so lovingly and those soft lips that kissed my forehead goodnight. Oh how much I miss her.

Now I was voiceless and trapped in this palace with a spoiled princess. She doesn't deserve my voice. She abuses it in demands so pointless that even the princess herself has no idea of what she demanded!

It was still dark, but I was not one bit drowsy, but I should sleep for I would spent the rest of my life working for the princess.

Speech is important for ruling a kingdom and without it you could be easily over thrown

... or considered a demon or witch

Soldiers came knocking on doors, looking for something and did odd things. They pinched many newborn babies until they gave out a cry, and if that cry for some reason did not satisfy them then they move onto the next baby. When they could find nothing of what they were looking for in the newborns, then they went onto the one year old babies. They made them laugh, and cry and were still not satisfied. Moved onto the two year old girls and asked them to sing, it was quite horrible I heard. That seemed to be their limit for they marched towards the palace empty handed. At that moment, being naughty, I somehow escaped from my house and ran out into the street. I stopped to stare at the soldiers make their way towards the palace for a while before a butterfly, white and delicate as cloud, flew past me and I ran after it. I giggle, laughed and sang a tune as I danced with the butterfly. Suddenly the soldiers were by my side and I looked up at them in awe

This is telling. This is not part of her memory, and is irrelevant to the story. Cut to the chase

"Well little girl, looks like you are coming with us to the palace," said the red haired soldier as he leaned down and grabbed my hand. He started to drag me away and I struggled. The I started to cry and call for my mother.

"Ellie? Where are you? Why...what are you doing!" called my mother as I saw here running towards me. The soldiers stopped and waited.

"This is my daughter! Thank you for finding her. I will take her," breathed Mother as she reached towards me. The soldier jerked me away.

Eh? In the beginning it sounds like she is mute. This is confusing.

"That is secret. Now leave with your life!" shouted the soldier who held onto me and drew out his sword. My mother stopped, shock written all over her face. The soldier continued to drag me away from my mother whom I never saw again.

You can do better with this situation. Draw it out. Add some suspense.

Now I was voiceless and trapped in this palace with a spoiled princess. She doesn't deserve my voice. She abuses it in demands so pointless that even the princess herself has no idea of what she demanded!

I strongly suggest you avoid this stereotype. SHOW us why she is a spoiled brat. I mean, even the spoiled brats are all different.

Oh, for a title I suggest you use another word meaning 'silent,' or use and antonym, like 'Muse' or something... :D:D:D

Good story, the first sentence really captures ones atention, but its also somewhat confusing. I didn't understand what you meant until the end of the prologue. Like the other review said, I thought she was mute at the beginning, make more of the voice being taken away.

I agree with SeraphTree about how the description of what the soldiers are doing is not part of her memory, but you could change it so that it is. Make her follow the soldiers around because she is curious about what they're doing. Then you could have that included in the story.

OR you could add that in the part when she is 13. Say that she heard stories about what happened or that she made people tell her what happened (I'm not sure how she would communicate with them, but it's a possibility; can she write?)

Title ideas....hmm
how about- silent cry?
i dont know


PM Me when you write more please! I would love to know what happens!

I think it's pretty cool! If you read it over again, you'll catch all of the grammar and spelling mistakes, but all in all, it's a good start.

It is pretty short, so you should add more about the girl, the princess, etc. to make it more interesting, to enrapture the reader. It's a great idea. I think it's going to take you far.

And, for the title, you don't have to worry about it now. Some titles just come to people, whereas it takes a while for people to name them. Stephenie Meyer didn't name Twilight until after she was finished writing it! Basically, my point is that there's no rush in titles.

I'm looking forward to reading more! Keep it up.

Not bad, Pawprint. Not bad at all. You always have good ideas.

However...soldiers pinching babies? Sorry, but that just seems weird.

Also, the whole princess without a voice reminds me of The Little Mermaid. Is that intentional?

Anyway, good job. Are you going to write more of The Blue Princess?

to: Fangala the Flying

Well, It is suppose to be kin of odd for soldiers pinching babaies. That was my idea.

I am not sure if I will continue Blue Princess...

Very gripping. Complex, but still sweet. I like the way you've really captured the main characters voice (ignore the irony of that, i don't know how else to phrase it).
I kind of agree with the others about the beginning. You could say that she was told. I would recommend telling it as a kind of prologue, i think it sounds really good as an opening. Kudos.

I really liked this. I don't know what to say.

Sometimes, things seem a tad unreal. Like pinching babies...ahah.

Anyway, good job. Just look over it and you'll see everything.


BBB