Alone

this poem i wrote isn't very good
how could i improve it



Feeling like you've lost a friend
You sit alone
Waiting for something
But your not sure what

Sitting in the darkness
Eyes shut
Only your presence
Saves the room from complete silence


Treading softly and tracing floorboards
Nothing to do
You look around but no one's there
not anymore

Your best friend
Gone
Not dead, just not beside you
New time must now live




Well?

this poem i wrote isn't very good
how could i improve it

You could could start by being literate!
You know, using capitals at the start of your sentences, capitalizing your I's, using proper punctuation etc. Your grammar is fine for the poem, but I just can't stand it when people are literate only in their written works.

Sitting in the darkness
Eyes shut
Only your presence
Saves the room from complete silence

Treading softly and tracing floorboards
Nothing to do
You look around but no one's there
not anymore

How did you go from sitting in the darkness to tracing floorboards? I think you should do something like:
First sitting in the darkness
Eyes shut
Only your presence
Saves the room from complete silence

Then treading softly and tracing floorboards
Nothing to do
You look around but no one's there
not anymore

Your best friend
Gone
Not dead, just not beside you
New time must now live

I don't quite understand that last sentence.

-------------------

That wasn't bad!
I definitely wouldn't say it was a bad poem, but I wouldn't say it was excellent either. If I were to give this a percentage, it would be a 75%.

I found that this lacked emotion--we know that you're sad, but you should take some time to describe the grief. You know?

Another thing was that this was a teeny bit cliche...so many poems talk about people sitting in darkness.
To remedy this, I think you should try something like the friend is the light, and you should describe how the light left the room with him/her and the room gradually fades into darkness.
Or something like that, anyways.

Imagery.
This is good as it is, but imagery is pleasant to read and could make this more powerful. Describe, oh, I dunno, the frosted windows, anything. Just do something like that to spruce it up a bit.

So yeah!
This wasn't bad at all!
Keep writing and PM me if you want a critique on any further works,
Ayra

I thought it was not too bad.

How can you be sitting then walking?

You need to tell you got up. Also like I've learned capitalize your I. Ok,

I like it but I was srprized your friend was not dead. Otherwise I ave felt this feeling before, I miss Nicole...sigh...

this was really good. i don't think you should change it. but, quick question, how could you be sitting then walking?

Feeling like you've lost a friend,
You sit alone,
Waiting for something
But your not sure what.

Sitting in the darkness,
Eyes shut,
Only your presence
Saves the room from complete silence.


Treading softly and tracing floorboards,
Nothing to do,
You look around but no one's there.
Not anymore

Your best friend,
Gone.
Not dead, just not beside you.
New time must now live.

I edited this with punctuation because this poem desperately needed it. It's a really great poem, just you desperately need it.

The context is really good too. I like it all. I just don't know what else to say.

:Sythe:

You're only describing the physical conditions of loneliness. The eyes closed shut, the empty room are all physical manifestations of loneliness. All right. But we need to know what the character thinks as she goes through these lonely nights or days. Right now, that's not clear. Make it clear, and this will be a lot better.

(And you don't have to capitalize every word in the beginning of the poem... really... )

Blue Fairy,


What you can do is toss this in the nearest trash can. There is nothing worth salvaging.

What you do have here is fundamentally cliché. You start with sitting alone in your room. And then--what?

What is it that's supposed to guide the reader towards the conclusion? Your whole poem could be reduced to the first two lines and would say the exact same thing. That's more than problematic.


Best,
Brad