Super Boy

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Chapter Four

Back in Metropolis Jason was riding in the car home with his father. He knew he had to ask his father some questions. And he knew he was the type to enjoy a father son conversation, and it would actually be kind of annoying if anyone ever knew.

Jason took off his glasses cleaning them with his shirt, and looked as his father as he slowly turned the corner. “Dad I have a problem…”

Clark Kent patiently looked at his son and smiled, “ What is it Jason?”

“It’s Fonda, she, I mean she….She‘s crazy!”

Clark slammed on the breaks as he unexpectedly came to a red light. In his rearview mirror he saw a woman in a blue BMW with red curly hair give him the finger. He waved in apology and looked back at Jason.

“What do you mean crazy…Like crazy for you?” Clark chuckled, pinching his sons cheeks, as his pushed his hands away.

“No! I mean actually crazy. Look.” Jason showed his father the back of the Top News with Fonda’s newsletter.

His father read it with interest and gave it back to Jason, “That girl always was different from the lot. Remember your sixth birthday party when we had Barney for entertainment?”

Jason sighed, “Yeah, it was the time of my life. But dad your missing the point.”

Clark continued to reminisce, “And you were so scared! Remember Fonda tied his feet up and made him fall? Then she just kept kicking him and the other kids were either crying or kicking him too…I mean me and your mother just didn’t know what to do laugh or help the poor man.”

“Dad!” Jason yelled out of frustration, just as the light finally turned green and the woman in the BMW cut in front of them speeding off.

Clark continued to drive, “All right, now what seems to be the problem? So Fonda brags about getting her stories?”

“That’s just it she not bragging she’s actually getting her stories. Remember the suicide Super Boy stopped the other day?”

Finally Clark seemed to comprehend, and in shock he stopped his brakes right in the middle of the street. Dozens of cars honked him and Clark recovered and speed off.

“You mean she really is…”

“Yes.”

“Listen to me Jason you have got to stop her. Being out there is dangerous.” His father was serious now.

"Dad, I don't get it. What did you do? I mean I didn't know it was so hard. I mean I‘m still supposed to photograph Super Boy! Where can’t I be one and not the other?”

"Of course it's hard Jason. I had the same difficulty as you growing up, except I waited to except fame. But I stayed true for all these years to what I believed was important. That's got to keep you going."

Jason sank in the car seat, "But I want to tell Fonda who I am and tell her to stop this!" Jason was angry now.

"Well, come on Jason." His father looked at him, with his dark blue eyes that held all the meaning in the world. It was shame to Jason that a man with such a intimidating gaze had to hide it behind thick black framed glasses. "I could flaunt, but won't my meaning change? Do I want to help people or do I want rewards? Do I want parades everyday and constant worry for family? Or am I fighting for what‘s right?"

Jason was listening to his father at first but Clark was beginning to lecture and it annoyed him. "I get it, I've been doing this for a while now. I've thought about that…It's just…I feel bad Fonda going through all that trouble like he's someone special. When really he' s not, he's her very own photographer."

Jason did something surprising to himself , he smiled, " It's actually kind of more funny then frustrating." Superman smiled too.

Clark turn into their drive way and they were home for dinner. Lois greeted her family letting the dog outside. They house was cream colored and three stories big with blue windows and a white picket fence. Everyone went to sit at the dinner table Lois on one end, and Clark on the other. His parents had come over and were obsessing over Jason as usual.

Grandma Kent sat enjoying her dinner, "So Lois how goes that magazine of yours? I saw the cover for this month and I was quite appalled. Who knew bones could still be found after the Persian war?" Lois smiled having discussion with her mother in-law. While everyone passed around the baked chicken, Lima bean casserole string beans, and biscuits.

If some one was walking outside the Kent residence they would have heard their laughter but not what Superman and Super Boy heard. Instantly both Clark and Jason stopped smiling. Clark whipped off his glasses, and focused his hearing. At first it was faint hissing in is ear then it turned into the scratching sound one hears when tuning a radio. Finally he heard the urgent news. “There seems to a robbery on fifth and second, copy that oh nine oh nine. We need back up now! The banks being shoot up as I speak! Back up where the hell are you--” The receiver was cut off by the loud sound of bullets.

"I've got to go, there's been a bank robbery. Jason, don't go anywhere while I'm gone." Within seconds, Superman was gone, sadly the family was used to his departures.

“Good luck.” Lois said with a sigh. They all finished their dinner and the adults had a nice evening in the living room. Jason went upstairs to finish his homework.

Superman was already half their and the situation seemed to get worse. As the wind whished in his ears, he looked below from bird eye view. He saw exactly six police cars out side the bank. The officers were huddled behind their car doors as three masked men shot rounds on the steps of the bank. One of them held a hostage, a middle aged woman. The other two had bags of money and gold that glistened into the sky.

Superman sped down making a piercing sound through the sky. He landed into front of the robbers blocking their shots. Each one sounded like a arrow from an archer shooting through hundreds of trees until it hit Superman’s chest crumbling until it fell to the ground.

Finally the men paused, and looked at Superman in anger. “Move you jumbo freak!” All the men were masked but even if they weren’t Superman would not know them. But in good time he’d know them very well.

“Jumbo?” Superman smiled, “Compared to you I guess I would be.” Superman then surprised the men by using his ex-ray eyes to beam their guys out of their hands.
“We got to get out of here!” The men ran and abandoned their hostage who had been yelling in hysterics the whole time. But they didn’t get very far and Superman wondered how it could be so easy.

He used his super speed to catch up to the shorter man he simply stopped him with the palm of his hand. The robbers face smashed into his hand and fell to the ground.

The tall pudgy man saw this and began to run the other way but Superman was in front of him in an instant. The man stopped and was on his toes, and was less than an inch away from Superman. He began to get dizzy and ready to faint, Superman blow air like the force of a blizzard to make him fall on the ground. Finally the last man was climbing the building of the bank, he was a fast climber and was already running on top of the roof. Superman flew to the roof, but he didn’t see the man because he was hiding.

“You have to come out some time,” Superman said using his ex-ray vision to see the man behind a hidden behind the chimney. Superman using super speed grabbed the man and was already handing him over to the police in an instant. And as the police took the last man away he did an odd thing, he smiled at Superman.




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Mwuaha, I have come to review your other written works. *rubs hands together* :twsited:

SASSYLADY333 wrote:Back in Metropolis Jason was riding in the car home with his father.


I think there should be a comma after 'Metropolis'.

Jason took off his glasses cleaning them with his shirt, and looked as his father as he slowly turned the corner. “Dad I have a problem…”


I think you should re-word this. Or at least give more detail; what colour is Jason's shirt? Anyways, here's my re-wordation:
Jason took off his glasses and cleaned them with the corner of his [insert colour here] shirt. He watched with [insert emotion here] as his father slowly turned the corner.

Clark slammed on the breaks as he unexpectedly came to a red light. In his rearview mirror he saw a woman in a blue BMW with red curly hair give him the finger.


Oh! That's not very nice! :P But anyways, I think you should say '...with curly red hair' instead of 'red curly'. :wink:

“What do you mean crazy…Like crazy for you?” Clark chuckled, pinching his sons cheeks, as his pushed his hands away.


Make 'sons' possessive. (son's)
Also, I'm a little confused...who pushed his hands away? Jason? If it is, I think you should say something like:
"What do you mean crazy...like crazy for you?" Clark chuckled and pinched his son's cheeks. But Jason pushed them away and protested, "No! I mean actually crazy! Look."

Jason sighed, “Yeah, it was the time of my life. But dad your missing the point.”


I'm pretty sure that 'your' should be you're instead.

“Dad!” Jason yelled out of frustration, just as the light finally turned green and the woman in the BMW cut in front of them speeding off.


I think you should make the end part '...BMW cut in front of them and sped off down the highway.' Or if they're not on a highway, street, lane, whatever.


Clark continued to drive, “All right, now what seems to be the problem? So Fonda brags about getting her stories?”


I'm a tad confused...I think you should say [at the end of the sentence dialogue] 'getting her stories in the paper.'

“That’s just it she not bragging she’s actually getting her stories. Remember the suicide Super Boy stopped the other day?”


I think you made a typo; 'she' should be she's. Also, I think you should re-word it:
"That's just it; she's not just bragging she's actually getting her stories. Remember the suicide Super Boy stopped the other day?"


Finally Clark seemed to comprehend, and in shock he stopped his brakes right in the middle of the street.


I don't really think 'comprehend' fits in with the vocabulary you've been using. Maybe just say 'understand'' instead?

Dozens of cars honked him and Clark recovered and speed off.


You mixed up your tenses a little there. >.< You could try something like:
Dozens of cars honked at him and Clark recovered enough to speed off.

"Of course it's hard Jason. I had the same difficulty as you growing up, except I waited to except fame.


'Except' should be 'accept'.

Clark turn into their drive way and they were home for dinner. Lois greeted her family letting the dog outside.


I think it would sound bette along these lines:
Clark turned into their drive way and they were home for dinner. Lois greeted her family and let the dog outside.

They house was cream colored and three stories big with blue windows and a white picket fence.


'They' should be 'Their'. :wink:

Everyone went to sit at the dinner table Lois on one end, and Clark on the other.
[/quote

There should be a semi-colon after 'table'.

Lois smiled having discussion with her mother in-law. While everyone passed around the baked chicken, Lima bean casserole string beans, and biscuits.


You should re-word this:
Lois smiled as she discussed the magazine with her mother in-law, while everyone passed around the baked chicken, Lima bean casserole, String beans and biscuits.

“There seems to a robbery on fifth and second, copy that oh nine oh nine. We need back up now! The banks being shoot up as I speak! Back up where the hell are you--” The receiver was cut off by the loud sound of bullets.


You mixed up the tenses again. :wink: It should be 'The bank is being shot up as I speak!'

Within seconds, Superman was gone, sadly the family was used to his departures.


I would suggest re-wording this:
Within seconds, Superman was gone. Unfortunately, his family was used to his sudden departures.

Superman was already half their and the situation seemed to get worse.


'Their' should be 'There'.

He saw exactly six police cars out side the bank.


'Out side' should be 'Outside'.

One of them held a hostage, a middle aged woman. The other two had bags of money and gold that glistened into the sky.


Replace the comma after 'hostage' with a semi-colon (;).

Superman sped down making a piercing sound through the sky. He landed into front of the robbers blocking their shots. Each one sounded like a arrow from an archer shooting through hundreds of trees until it hit Superman’s chest crumbling until it fell to the ground.


Whoa. That needs some MAJOR re-wordation. Here's what I came up with:
Superman sped down through the clouds, the wind whistling by him. He landed in front of the robbers, blocking their shots. Each bullet sounded like an arrow hissing through hundreds of trees until it hit Superman's chest. But no to avail; each one crumbled into dust as it struck. He was unharmed.

Superman then surprised the men by using his ex-ray eyes to beam their guys out of their hands.


It should be 'guns' instead of 'guys'.

He used his super speed to catch up to the shorter man he simply stopped him with the palm of his hand. The robbers face smashed into his hand and fell to the ground.


My re-wording:
He used his super speed to catch up to the short man and simply stopped him with his palm. The robber's face smashed into his hand and he fell to the ground.

He began to get dizzy and ready to faint, Superman blow air like the force of a blizzard to make him fall on the ground.


That doesn't make sense...:? I think you should re-word:
He began to get dizzy and lightheaded as Superman blew air like the force of a blizzard to make him fall to the ground.

Finally the last man was climbing the building of the bank, he was a fast climber and was already running on top of the roof.


Re-word:
Finally the last man was climbing the bank; he was a fast climber and was already running along the roof.

“You have to come out some time,” Superman said using his ex-ray vision to see the man behind a hidden behind the chimney. Superman using super speed grabbed the man and was already handing him over to the police in an instant. And as the police took the last man away he did an odd thing, he smiled at Superman.


MAJOR re-word:
"You have come out some time," Superman said, using his ex-ray vision to see the man hidden behind the chimney. He activated his super speed once again and grabbed the robber's shirt. In an instant, he was handing him over to the police.
But as the cops took him away, the captured man did an odd thing; he smiled at Superman.

------------------------------

It looks like we have a Superman fan here on YWS!

Well, I didn't like this as much as your 'Alone in Paradise'. It wasn't bad, but you could make it more exciting by adding more imagery and detail.
Although I'm not a big fan of Superman anyways, so...yeah. :P

Now that I've picked this to pieces, I'm exhausted.
Keep writing,
Ayra :D
everything i loved
became everything i lost.


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