In the Heart of Darkness

Darkness
The vast cloud of death

In the Eye of the Storm
In the heart of the madness

A spark
A shimmer

A flame
Golden fire

Ever-shining
Everlasting

Mighty fuel
Righteous fuel

The sun goes down
But it remains

Other lights flicker
But it holds strong

And when the storm comes
We know it will guard us

Watch over us
Save us

It is simple
Yet it is complex

It is unseen
Yet its name has been spoken from sea to sea

It is mighty
Yet is most powerful with the humblest of souls

It is evil's bane
It is justice's salvation

It's not perfect, but it's interesting.

My main objection, though, is when you say "It is hope."

That sucks.

Instead, leave it as it is--the reader would guess what the poem is talking about and they would like it more.

I'm delighted that you can list a bunch of synonyms for "hope". But I don't think it makes poetry.

It's awfully childish to write a poem entitled or including a certain abstract thought, such as hope or love, and then just write down a bunch of things that it "is". It doesn't really offer your reader anything NEW. When writing poetry, you want to take that abstract thought or emotion and present it in a way that's unique, not As-Seen-In-Hallmark.

You also want to take this abstract emotion and make it tangible. Use concrete images. Show, don't tell. It's the difference between saying, "This pie is delicious" and stuffing said pie into someone's mouth. In poetry, you want to stuff your reader's mouth with pie, not tell them about it as if from a distance. Get up close and personal. Tell a story or talk about a specific situation in which hope was present. Discuss hope in a way your reader doesn't expect. We all know the cliche expression of hope; we're depending on you to make it interesting, to show it in a new light.

-Colleen

Thanks for the advice! I'll do what I can without having to rewrite the whole thing. I'm not that good at this type of petry but I'll take out the hope part and keep the other comments in mind when I write my next poem. Thank's again!

J.C. Belding wrote:Thanks for the advice! I'll do what I can without having to rewrite the whole thing. I'm not that good at this type of petry but I'll take out the hope part and keep the other comments in mind when I write my next poem. Thank's again!

Sometimes a rewrite can do wonder for your poem, though. Keep this version and edit it, but also try a rewrite. You might end up creating a better version of the existing poem, or come up with something new entirely. I can't tell you how much it's helped my poetry to do complete rewrites of certain things. When you're starting with a blank sheet of paper, there's nothing to hold you back.

While I'm at it, I also have a comment regarding title. "Heart of Darkness" is awfully cliche and also reminiscent of tenth grade Global Studies, as in, King Leopold's Heart of Darkness. As your poem is not about killing loads of people in the Belgian Congo, you might change that.

Good luck!
-Colleen

Well, I'm not sure how I feel about this.
I was really intrigued by the title, but when I read the first line...yuck. Here's what I think about this in general:

It's cliched, but it's not that bad either. However, I wasn't like 'wow'. Some lines just don't make sense whatsoever. Like these:

Mighty fuel
Righteous fuel

What?! Fuel? What does that have to do with anything?

It is evil's bane
It is justice's salvation

Ok then...
I thought it was hope? You know, the golden fire and all that? Why is it all of a sudden evil's bane...?!

Overall, this was ok.
Keep writing though! You can only get better!
Narffles,
Ayra