Decahero Ch4

Edited:

Sorry, guys. This story is no longer canon. Hope you get to see the real thing when it's done!

Ryter wrote:"The name’s Tam." So, imagine that. She’s just lying there crying. So what am I supposed to do? Dunno.

She was doing better, at least. Trying to regain what little remain[s]s[/s]ed of her dignity. “I don’t know.”

It read very interesting, the narration is ver personal and helps add to the character. I've never really seen this kind of first person before, most are rather dry whenit comes to the narration, but I think you have taken full advantage of the fact that this is your characters point of view.

Watch out for tense changes, that can really mess up a stories flow. You only did it once, so I dont think it's a problem.

Be careful how often you use italics, you dont want to overuse them because then they lose that effect of emphasis

It really left me hanging, I think it needs expanding and a more clear picture of the surroundings, you give use the actions, but I think you can expand more on the descriptions.

It looks well thought out, you seem to have a clear idea of the world and story, keep it up.

The dialogue doesn't need to italicized except for a few words here and there for emphasis.

The dialogue at the end was confusing b/c I didn't know who was saying what or what was going on.

Also, I thought you wrote the other chapters in third person, but in this chapter, it's first person. (I could be wrong, if I am completely ignore this statement)

Yes, I switched around from 3rd to 1st person. Just this once, though. I thought it suited the situation better.

Thanks for that messed up tense call there. As for the "" around The name's Tam, well it doesn't need any. What's happening is Tam is talking to the reader (first-person) as opposed to Elena.

What does b/c mean? Does it mean "because"? Well, it's supposed to be confusing. Have you ever read "Ender's Game"? Pretty good book. Most, if not all, of the chapters started out that way. I think it gave off a pretty neat foreshadowing.

Thanks for the critiques!

The narration was interesting and personal, like Adam stated, and you've apparently got the world well drawn out. I would have made the piece a little bit longer, but that may just be me. I want to know how this story plays out, what a decahero is, and why the narrator was trying to get Lena. I'm expecting to learn more in the next chapters.