"Double Dad" chapter 11

Well, I wrote this late last night, and haven't really re-written, but due to the popular demand I have decided to start "DD" (for lack of a better name) up again. What else will I do all holidays?


Chapter 11 Austins Love Child



My Dear Fans,

Austin Rosstern blogging again about one of my famous interesting days. Believe me, this one takes the cake.

This morning, after I rolled out of bed and chewed down some Vegemite toast, I went for a jog along the beach. I had ran about a kilometer when I came across a woman sitting on a sand dune, sobbing. She was alone and in distress, so I decided to wave my magic wand and make her feel better. After establishing that I am a famous musician, she told me the whole story.

Her name is Daniele, and she had been through a rough time. Her boyfriend cheated on he and sold her car for alcohol money. Horrid guy. I asked if she wanted to come back to my place for some tea and whatever else. She said OK.

I'm having dinner with her on Saturday.

When I came back from driving her home, I logged online to tell my loyal blog readers about it. I fund an interesting email in my inbox. It came from a "Claudette Monroe". I opened it, assuming she was a fan, only to read that her sister Celeste had died. Celeste Monroe... Corrie Monroe...

I remember Celeste. Her and I had a love child; a daughter named Corrie.

She has no mother now. I have to become her guardian. If I don't, she'll have no one.

Corrie, if you're reading this, I'm coming to save you!

--- Austin





Phhh, it looked so much longer in my notebook!

Hm, interesting.

I haven't read any other chapters of this, so forgive me if I don't get this right. This is a blog entry by a guy named Austin Rosstern, who is a famous musician? He's blogging to tell his fans about what he does, right?

It's a good idea! Short but sweet. Only one typo:

I fund an interesting email in my inbox.

Fund = found

Nice style! This is the first one I've read (obviously) so I'll try to work it out as I go along. Just a few comments:

This morning, after I rolled out of bed and chewed down some Vegemite toast of course, I went for a jog along the beach.

I don't really know whether it would work, but you could add the 'of course' in to give it a more chatty feel. Does it work?

I had ran about a kilometer when I came across a woman sitting on a sand dune, sobbing.

1. I think it should be 'run'. 'I ran' or 'I had run'. Yeah, that looks about right.
2. This is another 'personal taste' one, but would this be better if you made it into another sentence? '...when I came across a woman sitting on a sand dune. She was sobbing.' You have more impact then, but if the fact that she's sobbing isn't vitally important, then you might wanna keep it how it is. Personal taste .

She was alone and in distress, so I decided to wave my magic wand and make her feel better.

This last bit is weak. You could be a lot more original, so try something like 'sort things out' or 'see what I could do for her'. Personal taste? Almost definitely!

After establishing that I am a famous musician, she told me the whole story.

Something about that doesn't flow very well. It might be because you change tenses part way through the sentence. Can you fix it?

Her name is Daniele, and she had been through a rough time. Her boyfriend cheated on her and sold her car for alcohol money.

1. You switch tenses again, but this time I have a plan! How about something along the lines of: 'She said her name was Daniele,' ? I think that's a lot better .
2. Oh yeah, you missed the 'r' off 'her'.
3. 'Alcohol money'? You could be a little more colloquial here. How about 'booze money' etc ?

Horrid guy.

Although this isn't a sentence (no verb of which to speak of!) it actually works really well! The technical name is 'a fragment' and as long as you don't use them too often they can spice up your writing quite nicely!

I'm having dinner with her on Saturday.

Again, lovely use of a new paragraph to make the point. Very good.

When I came back from driving her home, I logged online to tell my loyal blog readers about it.

'Came'? It doesn't really work here. Maybe 'got back' is better?

It came from [s]a[/s] "Claudette Monroe".

The 'a' here is really superfluous. Ya don't need it.

Celeste Monroe... Corrie Monroe...

Finally! Someone uses ellipses correctly! You've made my day .

I remembered Celeste. Her and I had a love child; a daughter named Corrie.

1. Lets try and keep to the past tense for now. It fits in this paragraph so you can avoid swapping tenses too much.
2. 'Her' should really be 'she'.
3. Could the semi-colon be replaced with a simple colon? Try it and see what it feels like!


Ok, so the blog style is very good. I love the layout of this piece and the paragraphing is very clear and lets the peace flow nicely. However, the blog style means you will be working in both past and present tense, so that could be difficult. Try not to swap too much because it distracts from the story.

And now for the story. It seemed a little bare to be honest. Your blog style means you give an overview rather than going deep into the story, so your characters are undeveloped apart from Austin.

Now, Austin I like. He seems quite full of himself (constant references to 'fans' and generally the way he talks/writes) but it's in a playful way rather than an arrogant manner. He seems a nice guy, if a bit eccentric, so you don't need to worry about developing him.

Hmm, what else? Yeah! The description was, of course, lacking because of the style of writing. But, please don't change the style! You've pretty much mastered the 'breezy writing style' which is very effective here. It reminded me of my sister's Georgia Nicolson books by Louise Rennison. If you haven't read them, then try to! They would help you with your style of writing.

Yours,
Charlie

Loose wrote:Chapter 11 Austins Love Child



My Dear Fans,

Austin Rosstern blogging again about one of my famous interesting days. Believe me, this one takes the cake.

This morning, after I rolled out of bed and chewed down some Vegemite toast, I went for a jog along the beach. I had [s]ran[/s] run about a kilometer when I came across a woman sitting on a sand dune, sobbing. She was alone and in distress, so I decided to wave my magic wand and make her feel better. After establishing that I [s]am[/s] was a famous musician, she told me the whole story.

Her name [s]is[/s] was Daniele, and she had been through a rough time. Her boyfriend had cheated on [s]he[/s] her and sold her car for alcohol money. Horrid guy. I asked if she wanted to come back to my place for some tea and whatever else. She said [s]OK.[/s] okay.

I'm having dinner with her on Saturday.

When I [s]came[/s] got back from driving her home, I logged online to tell my loyal blog readers about it. I [s]fund[/s] found an interesting email in my inbox. It came from a "Claudette Monroe". I opened it, assuming she was a fan, only to read that her sister Celeste had died. Celeste Monroe... Corrie Monroe...

I [s]remember[/s] remembered Celeste. [s]Her and I[/s] (We/She and I) had a love child; a daughter named Corrie.

She has no mother now. I have to become her guardian. If I don't, she'll have no one.

Corrie, if you're reading this, I'm coming to save you!

--- Austin

You have one major issue.

Stick to your tense:
Multiple times in the text you change tenses erratically. Please try to keep a consistent tense throughout your work, and when you must change, make sure you understand exactly where you do it in the piece. You've chosen a somewhat versatile style, but you need to focus on keeping it under control.

Tense tells us when the process occurs, past, present or future.
Present tense
Pete sits near the door. (simple)
Pete is sitting near the door.(compound)
Past tense
Pete sat near the door (simple)
Pete was sitting near the door. (compound)
Future Tense
Pete will sit near the door.
Conditional tense (This means the process is not definite)
Pete would have sat near the door.

I agree with pretty much all of what DarkLight said, in other words.

Anyhow, it's late... Hope I was of some help. Might come back to comment more.