This is the Raven's Halloween

*DELETED*

You asked me to rip it to shreds, but this is good; nothing major to rip at. In fact, I'm a bit confused by the entire thing. But that's just because I'm a bumbling fool and haven't read the original story. :*Must get to that, and THIOBS.*: Nor did I catch the Twelfth Night or LOTRs references. If I review your work, I really should at least read the cliff's notes, yes?


I suppose the biggest problem here is also ignorance-induced. I have no idea how to picture the narrator. This being the Paintable Scene Contest, that's rather a problem, isn't it? XD I have no idea as to how this Raven person looks -- is he/she/it human, a dog? Furry? Scaly? Covered in mucus? (Kidding!) So to those of us who you roped into reviewing just this, give us a hint, okay?

Also, how does the Raven know this song? It doesn't seem like the typical thing you'd find in a fantasy universe... a brief reference to someone who taught him the song, perhaps? Or maybe he saw it on TV...?

Sigh. This is singularly unhelpful! I'm sorry.

Good luck in the contest! ><" This is all I can do without reading the rest of that. Which I should do anyway.

Cheers!
Sumi

Also, how does the Raven know this song? It doesn't seem like the typical thing you'd find in a fantasy universe... a brief reference to someone who taught him the song, perhaps? Or maybe he saw it on TV...?

SHE saw the movie in London. Gee, it's weird just how many people think that the Raven's male.

The thing is, I'm not sure how to describe her as this is in first person. "Change to third person!" ... I can't do third person very well.

Oh dear, this is getting complicated.

Just for the record, here is the LOTR ref...

Decide what to do with the time that is given to you…

... and here's the Twelfth Night ref.

That’s for thee.

Short, but I thought if I was doing a disclaimer, I might as well do it properly.

Wow..... This was a pretty long post, so you may have to wait for me to give you an in-depth....

First of all, what is the main character? At first I thought it was a dog, since he is talking to a hound, but then you mention "fingers" and he is talking Charana. help? Not many of the characters have backgrounds either. I think you need more description, especially of the characters involved.

I'll be back with a better review, don't worry!

Found it, cannot WAIT to read it, but Edinburgh stand between me and a real crit. Once I get back from the Scottish north, since my coursework is as good as done, this is top priority!

Hi there Twit, just realised that you're rather low on time for making edits to this so I suppose I can stay up a little longer. I like what you have here but the others are right, you absolutely have to get a clear description of the narrator in there. And the creature who is under the table with her. Is that one a dog at least? And if so, what breed of dog? I think the plaited hair helped in discerning that the character was female but you do need more and you need it earlier on.

I suggest that if you want to keep it in first person, you need to include some sort of mirror or looking glass. Or... hmmm. This might work. Perhaps a guest at the table drops a glass on the floor or smashes one to the floor in anger? That way, the Raven could be ordered to pick up the pieces (perhaps with her bare hands which would help establish that she is not an animal) and she could catch sight of her reflection in one of the larger pieces of glass. She could see her pale skin, pointed ears (if she has them) and her plaited hair. It would give you a chance to add a little description at least.

Other than that, I liked the action you had and some of the conversations (especially between the Raven and the dog) were very well thought out. I missed the LOTR reference but then I never was a huge fan and I don't think it matters if you recognise it or not. I think some description of the lighting in the room would be nice and perhaps just a little of the queen - maybe what she is wearing? Just so that the reader gets a sense of all the jewels and embroidered gowns and afterall, the purpose of this piece is to paint a scene.

I don't really have any more general comments other than I liked it and I think you should try to tone down the fantasy a bit which seems to weigh down the story and add extra confusion without really adding to the plot. Here are a few small suggestions too -

Cú gave me a thoughtful look out of his dark brown eyes and eyed the pasty I held out to him. [This could be phrased better. Maybe 'Cú gave me a thoughtful look, his dark brown eyes trying to pierce through my flesh to my mind as he eyed the pastry I held out to him.' just so that eyes and eyed aren't so close together and you have a little extra personality.]

I held the position for [s]a[/s] several beats, then slowly, I stood up.

Other than that, well written, rather confusing and could do with being clearer but generally a good piece. Pm me with questions! Hope this helps,

Heather xx

Thank you Sumi, Canis, Kitty for commenting! All what you said was realy helpful!

I'm back! here is my critique:

frowned when I heard the True’s voice.

The? I think you meant "heard True's voice" The repetition of "True" in this paragraph was a bit awkward as well.....

making the best puppy eyes I could. Even after months of practise, making puppy eyes still did not come easily.

Again, this repetition is annoying. Change it to "this expression" or something.

Spontaneously entertain? I can’t spontaneously entertain! Not spontaneously, anyway

I hate repetition repetition!

Druth, in his small dun, built away from everything except the sky and the open fields. Druth saying, “You can do anything if you can do it.”

dun? den? and that sentence seems quite redundant to me, but maybe it just needs more explanation.

Thosewere all the errors that popped out at me, but there may be more... I liked this, and the bit at the end did clear it up a bit... I'm not sure if I have any helpful suggestions on how to make her description more clear.....

Good Job on this! If you want me to critique anythign else, please let me know. PM me with questions or comments as well.

Oh wow, this is very long. I may only be able to do half. >.<

I’ll share this with you, I offered. Cú, the King's old wolfhound, gave me a thoughtful look out of his dark brown eyes and sniffed the pasty I held out to him.

What’s in it? he asked. Meat?

Chicken. The Queen gave it to me.

She shares very generously with you.

Are you jealous? The King shares with you!

But I’m a loyal hound. You’re…

I’m a hound in name and behaviour, if not form. Therefore, I am a hound in the Queen’s eyes.

That has to be one of the best beginnings I've read on YWS. I love it! There's just something about it that I find very riveting. Great job so far!

I frowned when I heard True’s voice. Why did he have to be so flaming polite to everyone? Everyone except… me. Ah, but, I thought, you forget your place, Raven. You are three times below everyone else, aren’t you? First a hybrid, then a slave, and then a jester-cum-“dog“. My, my, my, what a false pride you have! Wanting the same status as everyone else? How shocking! Even the fact that you are not a dog pales into significance beside Prince True's logic.

I'd like to know what Raven looks like...maybe include some subtle and small description here? Something along the lines of, 'They will never get used to my [insert elfin body part here].' Or something like that...?

[quote]
“Valiad, could we leave politics, just for this evening?” Charana, the woman who I had painfullly learned to call mistress, sounded almost pleading. She didn’t want any difficult discussions about the Dragon’s betrothal this evening. “We have guests, and they want to be amused, not debated with.”

“Madam, your wish is my command,” Valiad said teasingly. “What have you planned for this evening’s amusement? Those jugglers who came the other day?”

“No. I have something rather different planned.”

I licked my fingers clean of grease and gravy and wiped them surreptitiously on the table cloth. Feeling content, I crawled further underneath the table, avoiding the Queen’s red velvet skirt on one side, and the Dragon’s blue silk trouser legs on the other. The cloth fell to the floor on either side of the table, and it made a dim little tent with just enough room for me, Cú and three pairs of legs. Cú had laid his head on his paws near the King’s feet, and he closed his eyes, not interested in what I was doing. I lifted the opposite edge of the table cloth and peeked underneath. This way, I could see most of the room and the longer tables where the other diners were seated. These were mostly lords and ladies staying at court, with a few earls and barons dotted among them to add some refined variety. The tables they sat at were laid out so as to form three sides of a square, in relationship with the High Table. The large space between the table, the inside of the square, was where the entertainers performed. I wondered who they’d be tonight, if not the jugglers who had come before.

Most of the people had finished the main course, and the pudding was brought in. I couldn’t see it properly, but I could smell it. Something sweet, with custard. I poked my head out near the Queen’s knee and looked up at her, making the best puppy eyes I could. Even after months of practise, making puppy eyes still did not come easily.

Charana looked down. The light from the fire and the torches on the wall sparked off her silver and amethyst necklace, making a point of light like a tiny star in each twisted link. “Hello, Raven.”

“Hou, my lady.”

She smiled, her blue eyes bright. “You only look like that when you’re after something. What is it? My pudding?”

I lolled my tongue out of my mouth and contrived to look idiotic.

“You can have a tiny bit, but not too much.” She found a clean spoon and told me, “Open wide.” I obliged, and she gave me a large spoonful of her pudding. Almond custard, I decided, licking all around my lips.

“Mur ras, my lady,” I said, when I had swallowed my mouthful, still clutching the spoon in my hand. She smiled, and continued eating.

Cú opened one eye. Begging mongrel.

Snob.

Do you see me begging like that, with no shame at all?

No. But then, I don’t see you getting any pudding either.

I may not have pudding, but I keep my pride intact.

A proud fool is like a forgetful minstrel. Both go hungry.

If you were a true hound, you would understand.

Then I am not a true hound. But at least I have a full stomach.

Cú disdained to answer, and went back to sleep. The line of bells on my skin-tight motley, running from my right shoulder, across, and down to my left ankle, gave a soft chime as I squirmed up against the table leg. Comfortable now, I looked at my reflection in the back of the spoon. I could see my scarred face, all golden eyes and pointed features, reflected in the shiny metal. I stuck my tongue out at myself, cocking my head sidways so one of the dark, tight, little plaits my hair was braided into, swung out from behind my pointed ear and brushed against the spoon handle. I held it away from myself and looked at my profile, feeling like the little mermaid. All I need now is a fork to comb my hair with, I thought wryly. Do half a million little plaits make me look fat? Man, and Ariel thought she had problems with the love of her life. She should have seen my problems about my love of life.

The dessert course finished, and the bowls were taken away. All the diners shifted expectantly, and looked towards the High Table. Now was the time for the entertainment to start.

“Charana?” I heard the King murmur. “What have you planned?”

“Something spontaneous.” She turned, and I felt her poke my shoulder. “Raven.”

“Mm?” I uncurled and came out from under the table, looking from the Queen, to the King and back to the Queen. Charana gave me a little push.

“Go out there, Raven, and entertain us.”

What the heck? I goggled at her. Valiad raised his auburn eyebrows. “Well, the point of a jester is to spontaneously entertain, I suppose.”

Spontaneously entertain? I can’t spontaneously entertain! Not spontaneously, anyway… Feeling hopeless, I crawled out from under the table and into the centre of the square. The mutter of talk died down, and people twisted around in their seats to watch. I stood there, feeling very small and inadequate. What could I do? There wasn’t anything handy that I could juggle with. I could walk on my hands, I supposed, but that was rather boring.

Entertain… Using the tools you have. Decide what to do with the time that is given to you… From a long way away, I heard those words again in my memory. Druth. My now dead guardian.

Druth, in his small dun, built away from everything except the sky and the open fields. Druth saying, “You can do anything if you can do it.”

Me: “You sound like a Chinese fortune cookie.”

“Cookie. A biscuit?”

“No, it’s more like a… I don’t know really.”

“But the point is, you can do it, if you can do it. If you can do a thing, then nothing can stop you from doing it. Go figure, as the teenagers in your world say.”

But what can I do?

I looked up at the High Table. The King and the Queen were both watching, waiting for me to do something, anything. True was watching as well. I knew what he was waiting for. He was waiting for me to fail, to shuffle my feet and look stupid. Granted, me looking stupid was nothing new, but the way he gazed across the Hall at me made me determined not to do that. Just for a change.

If you can do a thing… what is given to you…

Another image of Druth slipped into my mind. He had brought me out onto the hill as the stars were pricking through the night sky. I was tired, but the way he talked showed me that this was important and that I should remember it.

“Elemental dances. We Danann dance them at the full moon.”

“Dances? Like, for fire and everything?”

“Yes. For fire and air and water and earth and everything. Watch and learn, Tana’watha.”

I looked True arrogantly in the eyes, almost sharing a private moment with him. Watch and learn, Prince True.

I raised my left hand above my head and pressed my thumb against my straightened fingers, bending my elbow a little. I paused, then, taking a deep breath, I began to sing.

“Boys and girls of every age,
Wouldn’t you like to see something strange?
Come with us and you will see -
This, our town of Halloween.”

And as I sang, I began to dance. I danced the fire dance that Druth had taught me so long ago, the dons-ag-lent-lasairgül-lasair. The dance of the slow burning flame. I kept my hand in the air, and moved my feet in sliding little steps, around and around. I turned in a complete circle and danced the flame standing tall and true, bending with the breeze that blew upon it, but never blowing out. Always burning steadily, always burning bright, in spite of everything that tried to put it out. I was the flame who could not be quenched.

My feet, flat on the smooth floor, moved carefully and slowly, almost of their own accord. They turned me around so I faced the High Table. I saw Charana:

“I am the one hiding under your stairs.
Fingers like snakes and spiders in my hair…”

Another turn, faster this time, and I saw True:

“Halloween, Halloween, Halloween, Halloween.
In this town we call home, everyone hail to the pumpkin song…”

A turn, more of a twirl this time, and I saw Valiad:

“In this town - don’t we love it now!
Everybody’s waiting for the next surprise…”

The dance was changing, growing faster. For the first time, I brought my left hand down in a curve and swept it around, letting the force of its swing pull me with it. My feet were moving in quicker, even smaller steps, around and around, carrying me in loose figures of eight across the floor. It was the dons-ag-deo-sainhinu-lasadh’bhladhm, the dance of the forever blazing fury. I whirled halfway around, then stopped and went the other way. My lungs were aching with the effort of breathing in enough air to sing and dance at the same time, but somehow the pain was unimportant. All that mattered was the dance from one world, and the song from another.

The faces of the people in the room were becoming confused. I saw Cas and Serrys lurking behind the High Table, but even they were in another universe to the one I was in.

“This is Halloween,
Red and black, slimy green.
Aren’t you scared?”

The watchers, the lords, the ladies, the barons and the earls were only a colourful blur. I swayed my entire body on the spot, my hands making a circle in the air. I was the forever blazing fury, I was the flame who cannot be quenched, and I was dancing for Druth, for Da, for Kester, for everything and everybody that I had loved and lost. The dance bent me to the side, my back arched and my head pulled back so that my plaits touched the floor. For one second I stayed motionless, then I put my hand down and vaulted up and over to face the High Table once more.

“I am the clown with the tear away face.
Here in a flash and gone without a trace.

“I am the ‘who’ when you call, ‘Who’s there?’
I am the wind blowing through your hair.

“I am the shadow on the moon at night,
Filling your dreams to the brim with fright.”

A face seemed to leap out of the blur, and in a detached way, I realized who it was. Charana. The Queen of all Kiona. My mistress. The one who had taken me as her slave, who expected me to act like a dog for her own entertainment.

“Tender lumplings, everywhere.
Life’s no fun without a good scare.

“That’s our job, but we’re not mean;
In our town of Halloween.”

The dance was slowing, almost without me sensing it. My steps were wider, less wild. My arms moved in a gesture that took the whole world and burnt it to ashes for all it had done and all it could do. A last, extreme action that was childish, and yet so very just.

“This is Halloween, this is Halloween.
Halloween, Halloween, Halloween, Halloween.

“In this town we call home,
Everyone hail to the pumpkin song.”

I flung my arms up and to the side, gathering the ashes of the world to me and holding them close. Only now was I aware of the burning tiredness of my arms and legs. My neck was aching and my voice, not a singing voice at the best of times, was hoarse and out of tune.

“Halloween, Halloween, Halloween, Halloween…”

A stitch was stabbing my side in pain. I took a final, deep breath and made a slow turn, curving up at the back and down at the front. Then I stopped and placed my hand flat on the floor. It was cool and hard, like glass under my hot skin. I held the position for several beats, then slowly, I stood up. There was silence in the Hearth Hall, until someone clapped. Then all the others began clapping as well, and the Queen smiled and looked at Valiad. I looked at True. He gazed back, wooden-faced, his purple blue eyes betraying nothing.

Take that, I thought. Hybrids one, pure bred human princelings, nil. That’s for thee.

It gained me nothing in the long run, but for that one night, I tasted victory. It was very sweet. Almost like strawberries.