Wild Heart Chapter 2 part 1

Hi again! Here is chapter two, part one. Please read the first three parts before reading this, as it will make much more sense! you can get to them through my portfolio. Thanks!

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Chapter 2
The Wolves



Deuce's heart jumped to at least four times its normal speed. She cast a startled glance from the wolves on the hill, down to the she-wolf whose nose was still pressed into her hand.


Now one by one the other wolves came forward slowly and cautiously, staring at her boldly. Unnerved by their stares, Deuce looked down at her feet. There was the red wolf she had seen in her dream, and a young female who jumped about excitedly, ignoring glares from her superiors, and the young male with the queer markings who moved with a limp. When he turned Deuce could see that part of his leg was missing, giving him a lop-sided, and slightly comical air. The last wolf was another she-wolf, and an odd brilliance seemed to shine from her dark brown eyes. She was obviously of the last year’s litter of pups, and perhaps had just ventured out of the nursery. The alpha female must have been the injured one, and the black leader was also missing.

Deuce tried, but could not talk to them as the beta she-wolf had seemed to. Their voices were hazy and far-off, and though she could sense them vaguely, she couldn’t communicate as they seemed to be able to with each-other.


She heard her father calling her, but it seemed echoey, and far off. Suddenly she realized what time it must be, and she turned back to the wolves in desperation. But when she looked, they were already gone. They had vanished back into the woods at the first sound of her father’s call. Seeing how skittish they were, she wondered why they had gotten that close to her in the first place.


The entire ride home in her father’s rusty old pickup, she puzzled over the events of the afternoon. She bounced in the back seat, studying the surrounding foliage and thinking. At dinner, her mother, seeing through her mask of interest in the family's conversation, asked if she was not feeling well. Staring at Lenmana, who was mashing pasta mixed with red-sauce all over her face, Deuce felt sick, so she went upstairs to bed.

Kai followed her up and sat on the edge of her bed, smoothing her daughter's hair and not saying anything. Deuce felt herself drifting off to sleep as her mother got up and left. Hot and cold waves poured over her, and she could feel her cheeks burning with fever.

Now she was in a dark hole made under the roots of a fallen tree, and the huge black wolf was looming over her. His nose reached down to lick her face, and she whimpered in pain from her wound.


The dream was much shorter than before, dissolving almost immediately. When Deuce woke up, it was dark outside, and her watch read about one o’clock. Her face was sore, but when she reached up to touch it, thinking that she could have hit it in the night on her bed, her hand hit her face, and hard. She had meant to just brush up against it, but her nose was so much longer than she had expected…No, that was stupid, her nose hadn’t grown, and she just must have been confused in the dark. She lay back down in her bed.

Then she smelled her father coming down the hall from the bathroom to his room. He smelled of coffee and shaving cream. The strong scent jolted her further awake, and she sat up with a start, ignoring the way the room swirled around her head. She sniffed in again, trying to understand her new olfactory abilities.


The smell was so strong that she sneezed. She grabbed for her tissues, but she had used them all up the last time she had a cold. Desperate, she walked down the hall to the bathroom, breathing through her mouth. In the bathroom, she blew her nose on the paper, but couldn’t find the trashcan. She turned on the light, and looked at her spent Kleenex in surprise. There, sprinkled around on it there were long, coarse silver hairs.

Startled, she pulled out the mirror from the drawer and looked at herself. Her face looked exactly as it always had, but there were still more hairs on her nose. She brushed them off, but she thought she could smell a strange scent, but it was also amazingly familiar, sort of like the beta’s scent, only younger and somehow different. She sighed tiredly and went back to her bed. Strange scents kept drifting into her nose, and they kept her up for a very long time.
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So, thats it! the next bit. Hope you like it!

Awesome, canis!

That last part made my heart flutter. Very cool.

However, I must complain that you're still telling, not showing. Maybe an example would make it easier to understand.

She heard her father calling her, but it seemed echoey, and far off. Suddenly she realized what time it must be, and she turned back to the wolves in desperation. But when she looked, they were already gone. They had vanished back into the woods at the first sound of her fatherБ─≥s call. Seeing how skittish they were, she wondered why they had gotten that close to her. The entire ride home in her fatherБ─≥s rusty old pickup, she puzzled over the events of the afternoon. At dinner, her mother asked if she was not feeling well, and Deuce was not, so she said so and went to bed early without doing any chores.

This is WAY too much information in one paragraph. It would be much more effective if you broke it up. So far, this story has no dialogue. That's not good. Use quotation marks. They're right next to the semicolon on your keyboard.

At dinner, describe the scene. What's there to eat? What are her siblings talking about. What, exactly, does her mom say? "Deuce, honey, are you feeling okay? You've hardly touched your chicken." You know, something like that.

Also, the beginning part with the wolves was rushed. I don't know how you can make it clearer, because we don't know the wolves' names yet. I'm sure their characters will become clearer as the story progresses, so don't worry.

Really, I'm looking for sensory detail and dialogue. By telling, you insult the readers intelligence.

Then her nose smelled her father coming down the hall from the bathroom to his room. He smelled of coffee, but never had she been able to smell him coming!

Um, duh. I mean, what kind of normal person can smell coffee from that far away? It's obvious that's a wolf quality; you don't need to whack us in the face with repetition.

But this is really great, and I can't wait to read more. Hope the comments were helpful.

Oooh, yeah. Thanks. I'll get to work on that right away.... About that first paragraph, I see what you mean.... and I don't know how it happened.

It used to have quite a bit of dialogue, but I got rid of a few of the characters because it was too confusing. I'll work on fixing it........

Thanks! Your suggestions really were helpful.

Whoa...that was weird.

What's happening? How come you left off at that critical part? Grr....*pouts*

Anyway, this was beautifully written. Great job!


BBB

Haha, thanks.

canislupis wrote:Deuce was so surprised, that her heart jumped to at least four times its normal speed.

Good first sentence there. Really caught my attention.

canislupus wrote:She cast a startled glance from the wolves on the hill, down to the she-wolf whose nose was pressed into her hand.

I don't really get that...


Now one by one the other wolves, came forward slowly and cautiously, staring at her boldly. Unnerved by their stares, Deuce looked down at her hands. There was the red wolf she had seen in her dream, was and a young female who jumped about excitedly, ignoring glares from her superiors, and the young male with the queer markings who moved with a limp. When he turned Deuce could see that part of his leg was missing, giving him a lop-sided, and slightly comical air. The last wolf was another she-wolf, and an odd brilliance seemed to shine from her dark brown eyes. She was obviously of the last year’s litter of pups, and perhaps had just ventured out of the nursery. The alpha female must have been the injured one, and the black leader had stayed with her.

Deuce tried, but could not talk to them as the beta she-wolf had seemed to. Their voices were hazy and far-off, and though she could sense them vaguely, she couldn’t communicate as they seemed to be able to with each-other.


She heard her father calling her, but it seemed echoey, and far off. Suddenly she realized what time it must be, and she turned back to the wolves in desperation. But when she looked, they were already gone. They had vanished back into the woods at the first sound of her father’s call. Seeing how skittish they were, she wondered why they had gotten that close to her.

The entire ride home in her father’s rusty old pickup, she puzzled over the events of the afternoon. She bounced in the back seat, studying the surrounding foliage and thinking. At dinner, her mother, seeing through her mask of interest in the family's conversation, asked if she was not feeling well. Staring at Lenmana, who was mashing pasta mixed with red-sauce all over her face, Deuce felt sick, so she went upstairs to bed.

Kai followed her up and sat on the edge of her bed, smoothing her daughter's hair and not saying anything. Deuce felt herself drifting off to sleep as her mother got up and left. Hot and cold waves poured over her, and she could feel her cheeks burning with fever.

Now she was in a dark hole made under the roots of a fallen tree, and the huge black wolf was looming over her. His nose reached down to lick her face, and she whimpered in pain from her wounds.


The dream was much shorter than before, dissolving almost immediately. When Deuce woke up, it was dark outside, and her watch read about one o’clock. Her face was sore, but when she reached up to touch it, thinking that she could have hit it in the night on her bed, her hand hit her face, and hard. She had meant to just brush up against it, but her nose was so much longer than she had expected….No, that was stupid, her nose hadn’t grown, and she just must have been confused in the dark. She lay back down in her bed. Then her nose smelled her father coming down the hall from the bathroom to his room. He smelled of coffee and shaving cream. The strong scent jolted her further awake, and she sat up with a start, ignoring the way the room swirled around her head. She sniffed in again, trying to understand her new olfactory abilities.

The smell was so strong that she sneezed. She grabbed for her tissues, but she had used them all up the last time she had a cold. Desperate, she walked down the hall to the bathroom, breathing through her mouth. In the bathroom, she blew her nose on the paper, but couldn’t find the trashcan. She turned on the light, and looked at her spent Kleenex in surprise. There, sprinkled around on it there were long, coarse silver hairs. Startled, she pulled out the mirror from the drawer and looked at herself. Her face looked exactly as it always had, but there were still more hairs on her nose. She brushed them off, but she thought she could smell a strange scent, but it was also amazingly familiar, sort of like the beta’s scent, only an older and more dominant version. She sighed tiredly and went back to bed. Strange scents which she had never experienced before kept drifting into her nose, and they kept her up for a very long time.
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So, thats it! the next bit. Hope you like it![/quote]

>>> Critique Two of Five >>>

Deuce's heart jumped to at least four times its normal speed. She cast a startled glance from the wolves on the hill, down to the she-wolf whose nose was still pressed into her hand.

I've underlined that last part because I think you should explain how the wolf's nose felt in her hand, to make it more riveting. I know that if I had a wolf's nose pressed into my hand, I would be ecstatic, anxious and kind of...euphoric, I think. Maybe you should describe what she was thinking, or how she [maybe] thought it was amazing (or whatever she thought of it) that a wolf's nose was in her hand? For example: She felt as if she was in a dream [insert feeling of nose here].

Now one by one the other wolves came forward slowly and cautiously, staring at her boldly.

I was a little confused by this...if they're coming forwards slowly and cautiously, why are they staring at her boldly? I also think it sounds odd, with three adjectives/adverbs ending in 'ly'.

She was obviously of the last year’s litter of pups, and perhaps had just ventured out of the nursery.

Why was she obviously of the last year's litter of pups? Is it because of the brilliance in her eyes, or what? I was a tad confused here too. Maybe explain a little more; is she smaller than the rest? Younger-looking?

She heard her father calling her, but it seemed echoey, and far off.

I don't like the way you described his voice as 'far-off' because you've already used that to describe the wolve's voices.

The entire ride home in her father’s rusty old pickup, she puzzled over the events of the afternoon.

Meh...the flow of that sentence seems to be off a little. Maybe you should say, 'She puzzled over the events of the afternoon for the entire ride home in her father's rusty old pickup.'


I really like this!
However, you do a little more telling than showing. But Fangala already pointed that out, so I won't bother you about it anymore. =P

Also, at the end when she transforms, it seems a little odd that she doesn't realize that she had a...a sliver of wolfishness in her. I mean, wouldn't it have been obvious from the silver hairs on her face and on the tissue?
Just something to consider.

I really like the pace in this though. You go into detail in some places that are important, and you don't bore us with the mundane details that no one cares about like exactly what's on her dinner plate.
...come to think of it, maybe you should go into a little more detail about the more mundane things. Like Fangala suggested.

Anyways. God job with this, and I can't wait to read more!

Cheers,
Camille

>>> Critique Two of Five >>>

Deuce's heart jumped to at least four times its normal speed. She cast a startled glance from the wolves on the hill, down to the she-wolf whose nose was still pressed into her hand.

I've underlined that last part because I think you should explain how the wolf's nose felt in her hand, to make it more riveting. I know that if I had a wolf's nose pressed into my hand, I would be ecstatic, anxious and kind of...euphoric, I think. Maybe you should describe what she was thinking, or how she [maybe] thought it was amazing (or whatever she thought of it) that a wolf's nose was in her hand? For example: She felt as if she was in a dream [insert feeling of nose here].

Now one by one the other wolves came forward slowly and cautiously, staring at her boldly.

I was a little confused by this...if they're coming forwards slowly and cautiously, why are they staring at her boldly? I also think it sounds odd, with three adjectives/adverbs ending in 'ly'.

She was obviously of the last year’s litter of pups, and perhaps had just ventured out of the nursery.

Why was she obviously of the last year's litter of pups? Is it because of the brilliance in her eyes, or what? I was a tad confused here too. Maybe explain a little more; is she smaller than the rest? Younger-looking?

She heard her father calling her, but it seemed echoey, and far off.

I don't like the way you described his voice as 'far-off' because you've already used that to describe the wolve's voices.

The entire ride home in her father’s rusty old pickup, she puzzled over the events of the afternoon.

Meh...the flow of that sentence seems to be off a little. Maybe you should say, 'She puzzled over the events of the afternoon for the entire ride home in her father's rusty old pickup.'


I really like this!
However, you do a little more telling than showing. But Fangala already pointed that out, so I won't bother you about it anymore. =P

Also, at the end when she transforms, it seems a little odd that she doesn't realize that she had a...a sliver of wolfishness in her. I mean, wouldn't it have been obvious from the silver hairs on her face and on the tissue?
Just something to consider.

I really like the pace in this though. You go into detail in some places that are important, and you don't bore us with the mundane details that no one cares about like exactly what's on her dinner plate.
...come to think of it, maybe you should go into a little more detail about the more mundane things. Like Fangala suggested.

Anyways. God job with this, and I can't wait to read more!

Cheers,
Camille

Thanks!!!!! That was helpful. I'll work on the stuff you mentioned.

See ya!

Thanks for the review.