The Anthro Society

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Here's the rest of Chapter 1.

The first thing I noticed was how uncomfortable it was. It felt like I fell asleep on a bed of rocks and laid there for hours. I opened my eyes and realized I was in a cage made of metal, but I didn’t know how I got there. Then it all came flooding back to me. “Iana!” I shouted sitting straight up and banging my head against the top of the cage, adding to my discomfort.
I looked around and found I was in the forest surrounding Fox Village, at least I think it was. Then I saw that another cage next mine. It was too dark to see what or who was in the cage, but I softly called out, “Iana, you in there.”
A groan came from the cage. “Perosk, that you?” asked Iana to my relief. “How did we get here? I remember someone walkin’ behind you, then nothin’.”
“We were attacked by humans. They snuck up on us and hit us over the head I guess.” I reached up and felt a lump right between my ears and winced at I touched it. “Yes, they definitely hit us.”
“Where are we, Perosk?” Iana asked.
“I think we might be in Yertilop, the forest surroundin’ the Fox Village, but I can’t be-” I was suddenly stopped short by the rustling of leaves behind us. I whipped around to see a group of three humans walking toward us in deep conversation.
“What do we do with these creatures?” one of the humans asked. “They are too savage to be put in people’s households as pets.”
“I say we put them in the Arena and have them fight,” a second human replied. “I think they will make perfect entertainment.”
“Yeah, but will people watch it?” the first human asked.
“Of course, people love to see a good fight. If Yinklon City can make a fortune with those animal fights we can do it too.” The first two human continued walking towards a camp that I didn’t see before and sit down, but the third human stared at me and Iana.
He walked right over to us and sat on his haunches and stared at us. Then he finally said, “Can you talk?”
I was surprised at the question. I looked at Iana and saw that she was just surprised as I was. “Yeah,” I said simply. The human stared at us as if he didn’t believe the talking came from us. “What are we doin’ here?” I asked just to prove it was me talking.
“Then my father must’ve been right,” he said to himself. “So those buildings were really built by you creatures and they are not abandoned Human colonies?”
“Yeah,” I replied, “and we do have names you know. We’re not mindless beasts.”
“Reok,” one of the Humans by the camp called, “your talking to creatures who understand nothing of what you’re saying. Come on and get something to eat.”
“Can you get us out of here?” I asked as he walked away. All he gave me was a look that said, “Sorry”.
“Perosk,” Iana called when the Human left, “I think I can get us out of here. There are locks on these and they don’t look that secure, I think I can get them open with my claw.” Then I heard a heard a faint scratch of metal coming from Iana’s cage, then a faint click.
I looked over to the men and saw them in deep conversation, then I looked back at Iana as she slowly opening the cage. It was almost open where she get out. Then a screech of metal tore through the night.
The men turned around and the first one yelled,” They’re escaping!” He ran towards, but didn’t get far till a gunshot went off and her crumpled to the ground. Behind him stood the Human who talked to us.
“Reok,” the other Human yelled, “what you do that for!”
“I can’t let you hurt them, Lojin” Reok said. He turned his gun on his partner. His body was shaking like a leaf in the wind, but his gun stayed fixed on Lojin.
“You choose to kill your fellow man because of these creatures!” Lojin yelled in surprise. He took a step towards Reok, but Reok’s aim remained steady. “You let your father get to you.”
“Leave my father out of this!” He took a step forward and put the gun barrel to Lojin’s chest.
“Your father was senile, Reok. He actually thought these beasts could talk. They are only mindless animals.”
“I’m sorry, Lojin.” Reok pulled the trigger and Lojin collapsed to the ground. Reok fell to his knees on the ground and cried. I glanced at Iana and she hurried out and unlocked my cage within a few seconds.
I cautiously walked over to Reok who was still crying. I knelt down, picked up the gun, and aimed it at him with shaking hands. “Shoot me,” Reok said without looking up at me, “I got nothing left to live for. If I go home I’ll be killed just the same.” Could I kill the man that saved my life. Part of me wanted to shoot this human and get revenge, and the other part said I should drop it and run.
Iana’s black furred hand appeared at the end of the barrel and she looked me right into my eyes. “Don’t do it, Perosk, we owe him our lives.” I lowered the gun from Reok’s head and stared at him intently. He was still crying, but I felt no need to comfort him.
“I threw the gun to the ground and said, “I don’t owe a Human anythin’. Come on Iana, we need to get out of here.” I walked away, but Iana stayed behind. “Come on.”
“Perosk, we can’t leave him here,” Iana said kneeling down next to Reok. She put her arm around his neck and whispered something I couldn’t here. He looked up and stared at her then he nodded. “He’s comin’ with us.”
“No!” I shouted. “He’s a Human, it’s ‘cause of them we are in the predicament.”
“But it ain’t his fault, Perosk.” She stood up and walked up to me and got in my face. “What problems do you have with Humans?”
“My problem?” I said angerly. “You wanna know my problem with Humans. Humans killed my family! I had to watch my parents killed for Human entertainment! I only escaped because I was lucky; I was chosen for a the Hunt. I managed to escape and find the Wolf Village who brought me home.” I looked at her right in the eyes. I saw surprise and sorrow in the eyes. “That’s my problem with them,” I said quietly and walked off towards direction I was sure the village was.
“I’m sorry, Perosk, but he is comin’ with is.” She walked over to Reok and offered him her hand. He grabbed it and stood on his feet. “Come on,” she said and walked past me into the forest. I looked at the Human who still stood there. I turned around without a word and followed in after Iana.
We kept silent for most of the trip except when Iana talked with the Human and asked him a few questions. The forest was dense and since night had fallen long ago it was hard to see where we were going.
After a few long hours I started noticing signs that we were nearing the village. A giant boulder was on the path, with it’s point facing towards the way of the city. It was carved that way for lost travelers to find the village. Then I saw the beginning of the path; we were almost there.
“We’re almost there,” I called back and ran forward. I was stopped in my tracks with what I saw. Fox Village was destroyed.




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Hmmm. It's a bit rushed, and in the middle you switch to Reok's point of view.
I suggest you drag it out more. Kill us with suspense. That's always interesting.... :smt068
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Pendragon wrote: (This seems a little, strange, the whole little part)A groan came from the cage. “Perosk, that you?” asked Iana to my relief. “How did we get here? I remember someone walkin’ behind you, then nothin’.”



The first two human(s) continued walking towards a camp that I didn’t see before and sit sat, maybedown, but the third human stared at me and Iana.





I looked over to the men and saw them in deep conversation, then I looked back at Iana as she slowly opening the cage. It was almost open where she get out. Then a screech of metal tore through the night.
The men turned around and the first one yelled,” They’re escaping!” He ran towards, but didn’t get far till a gunshot went off and her form crumpled to the ground. Behind him stood the Hhuman who talked to us.
“Reok,” the other Hhuman yelled, “what you do that for!”
“I can’t let you hurt them, Lojin” Reok said. He turned his gun on his partner. His body was shaking like a leaf in the wind, but his gun stayed fixed on Lojin.



no need for thatI threw the gun to the ground and said, “I don’t owe a Hwhy all the capsuman anythin’. Come on Iana, we need to get out of here.” I walked away, but Iana stayed behind. “Come on.”


“No!” I shouted. “He’s a againHuman, it’s ‘cause of them we are in the predicament.”
“But it ain’t his fault, Perosk.” She stood up and walked up to me and got in my face. “What problems do you have with againHumans?”
“My problem?” I said angerly. “You wanna know my problem with H:Sumans. Humans killed my family! I had to watch my parents killed for H:Suman entertainment! I only escaped because I was lucky; I was chosen for a the Hunt. I managed to escape and find the Wolf Village who brought me home.” I looked at her right in the eyes. I saw surprise and sorrow in the eyes. “That’s my problem with them,” I said quietly and walked off towards direction I was sure the village was.
“I’m sorry, Perosk, but he is comin’ with usis.” She walked over to Reok and offered him her hand. He grabbed it and stood on his feet.


We kept silent for most of the trip except when Iana talked with the H:Suman and asked him a few questions. The forest was dense and since night had fallen long ago it was hard to see where we were going.
After a few long hours I started I don't think that is spelled right, I could be wrong noticing signs that we were nearing the village. A giant boulder was on the path, with it’s point facing towards the way of the city. It was carved that way for lost travelers to find the village. Then I saw the beginning of the path; we were almost there.
“We’re almost there,” I called back and ran forward. I was stopped in my tracks with what I saw.: would work better then a period Fox Village was destroyed.
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The first thing I noticed was how uncomfortable it was. It felt like I fell asleep on a bed of rough rocks and laid there for hours. I opened my eyes and realized I was in a cage made of metal in the middle of the forest, but I didn’t know how I got there. Then it all came flooding back to me. “Iana!” I shouted sitting straight up and banging my head against the top of the cage, adding to my discomfort.
I looked around and found I was in the forest surrounding Fox Village, at least I think it was. Then I saw that another cage not far from mine. It was too dark to see what or who was in the cage, but I softly called out, “Iana, you in there?”
A low groan came from the cage. “Perosk, that you?” asked Iana to my relief. “How did we get here? I remember someone walkin’ behind you, then nothin’.”
“We were attacked by humans. They snuck up on us and hit us over the head, I guess.” I reached up and felt a lump right between my ears and winced as I touched it. “Yes, they definitely hit us.”
“Where are we, Perosk?” Iana asked.
“I think we might be in Yertilop, the forest surroundin’ the Fox Village, but I can’t be-” I was suddenly stopped short by the rustling of leaves behind us. I whipped around to see a group of three humans walking toward us in deep conversation.
“What do we do with these creatures?” one of the humans asked. “They are too savage to be put in people’s households as pets.”
“I say we put them in the Arena and have them fight,” a second human replied. “I think they will make perfect entertainment.”
“Yeah, but will people watch it?” the first human asked.
“Of course, people love to see a good fight. If Yinklon City can make a fortune with those animal fights, we can do it too.” The first two human continued walking towards a camp that I hadn’t noticed before and sat down. The third human stayed behind stared at me and Iana with, what I though, sympathy.
He walked right over to us and sat on his haunches and stared directly into my eyes. He stood there for a long time just staring at me, then he finally said, “Can you talk?”
I was surprised at the question. I looked at Iana and saw that she was just surprised as I was. “Yeah,” I said simply. The human stared at us as if he didn’t believe the talking came from us. “What are we doin’ here?” I asked just to prove it was me talking.
“Then my father must’ve been right,” he said to himself. “So those buildings were really built by you creatures and they are not abandoned Human colonies?”
“Yeah,” I replied, “and we do have names you know. We’re not mindless beasts.”
“Reok,” one of the Humans by the camp called, “you’re talking to creatures who understand nothing of what you’re saying. Come on and get something to eat.”
“Can you get us out of here?” I asked as he walked away. He stared back at us and all he gave me was a look that said, “Sorry”.
“Perosk,” Iana called when the Human left, “I think I can get us out of here. These are locks don’t look all that secure, I think I can get them open with my claw.” Then I heard a faint scratch of metal coming from Iana’s cage, then a faint click.
I looked over to the men and saw them still in deep conversation, then I looked back at Iana as she slowly opened the cage as quietly as she could. It was almost open to where she could get out. Then a loud screech of metal tore through the night.
The men turned around and stared at us dumbstruck. Then first one yelled,” They’re escaping!” He ran toward us as he pulled a knife from his belt, but he didn’t get far till a gunshot went off and he fell to the ground a few feet from the cage. Behind him stood the Human who talked to us.
“Reok,” the other Human yelled, “what you do that for!”
“I can’t let you hurt them, Lojin” the Human named Reok said. He turned his gun on his partner. His body was shaking like a leaf in the wind, but his gun stayed fixed on the other Human.
“You choose to kill your fellow man because of these creatures!” the other Human, Lojin, yelled in surprise. He took a step toward Reok, but I saw that Reok’s aim remained steady. “You let your father get to you.”
“Leave my father out of this!” He took a step forward and put the gun barrel to Lojin’s chest.
“Your father was senile, Reok. He actually thought these beasts could talk. They are only mindless animals.”
“I’m sorry, Lojin.” Reok pulled the trigger and Lojin collapsed to the ground. Reok fell to his knees on the ground and cried. I glanced at Iana and she hurried out and unlocked my cage within a few seconds.
I cautiously walked over to Reok who was still crying. I knelt down, picked up the gun, and aimed it at him with shaking hands. “Shoot me,” Reok said without looking up at me, “I got nothing left to live for. If I go home, I’ll be killed just the same.” Could I kill the man that saved my life? Part of me wanted to shoot this human and get revenge, and the other part said I should drop it and run.
Iana’s black furred hand appeared at the end of the barrel and she looked me right into my eyes. “Don’t do it, Perosk, we owe him our lives.” I lowered the gun from Reok’s head and stared at him intently. He was still crying, but I felt no need to comfort him.
I threw the gun to the ground and said in a cold voice, “I don’t owe a Human anythin’. Come on Iana, we need to get out of here.” I walked away, but Iana stayed firmly planted behind me. “Come on,” I said, this time more urgently.
“Perosk, we can’t leave him here,” Iana said kneeling down next to Reok trying to comfort. She put her arm around his neck and whispered something I couldn’t hear. He looked up and stared at her, then he nodded reluctantly. “He’s comin’ with us.”
“No!” I shouted. “He’s a Human, and if you haven’t noticed, it’s ‘cause of them we’re in the predicament.”
“But it ain’t his fault, Perosk.” She stood up and walked right up to me and got in my face. “What problems do you have with Humans?”
“My problem?” I said angerly. “You wanna know my problem with Humans? Humans killed my family! I had to watch my parents killed for Human entertainment! I only escaped because I was lucky; I was chosen for a the Hunt. I managed to escape and find the Wolf Village who brought me home.” I stared right into my eyes, hoping my anger would burn her. But what I saw was surprise and sorrow. “That’s my problem with them,” I said quietly and walked off toward the direction I was sure the village was.
“I’m sorry, Perosk, but he is comin’ with is.” She walked over to Reok and offered him her hand. He grabbed it and stood on his feet. “Come on,” she said and walked past me into the forest. I looked at the Human who still stood there. I turned around without a word and followed in after Iana.
Nothing exciting happened as we walked through the silent forest. The only sound came from the clumsy Human’s footsteps and the whisper of the wind through the trees. Then I started noticing the signs that the village was close by.
I first saw that the ground slowly turned from grass to a well trodden on path. Then the I saw the boulder that pointed towards the village.
“We’re almost there,” I called back and ran forward. I stopped instantly as I exited the forest and walked into the village. What I stared at was horrible: the Fox Village was destroyed.




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Hello! Here to critique upon request and desire. ^_^

The first thing I noticed was how uncomfortable it was.


Right away, you start with a pronoun. That's not good. I don't know what 'it' is. Maybe you uncomfortable I was? A couple sentences later, you mention his cage, but how can a cage feel uncomfortable? He's laying on the ground, so maybe what he lay on was uncomfortable? Maybe the temperature was uncomfortable?

I opened my eyes and realized I was in a cage made of metal in the middle of the forest, but I didn’t know how I got there.


Good description! However, we can make it smoother and easier to read, like so:

I opened my eyes to see metal bars on all sides, huge, leering trees surrounding me. What happened? How did I get here?

Then it all came flooding back to me. “Iana!” I shouted. sitting straight up and banging my head against the top of the cage, adding to my discomfort.


The first sentence is clunky. Maybe: Then it came to me. It's easy and simply states the situation. Also, we can include that bolded period and the rest can become a sentence unto its own. I sat straight up and banged my head on the metal bars of the cage above me, adding to my discomfort.

I looked around and found I was in the forest surrounding Fox Village[s],[/s]--at least I [s]think[/s]thought it was.


You changed tense, but I fixed that for you. (I have the same issue all the time. Ask kitty15. :lol:) We also need more than a comma to make the last clause more dramatic--a short pause, like my double hyphen I used just now! ^_^

(Do you have Microsoft Word? The double hyphen becomes one big one on Word. ^_^ )

Then I saw [s]that[/s] another cage sitting not far from mine.


You can replace the bolded word with other possibilities, of course, like that lay, which lay, etc...

It was too dark to see what or who was in the cage, but I softly called out, “Iana, you in there?”


Reverse 'who' and 'what.' It'll run smoother. It was too dark to see who or what was inside that cage, but I had to know who it was. "Iana?" I called quietly.

A low groan came from the cage. “Perosk, that you?” asked Iana to my relief. “How did we get here? I remember someone walkin’ behind you, then nothin’.”


Her first quote, "Perosk, that you?" is missed a verb. Now, when people say this, they usually slur their words so no one notices the word 'is' is there. Let's display this by doing something like so: Perosk, s'that you?"[i] or [i]"Perosk, 's that you?" Both quotes provide the same sound. Just include that 's' in there. :wink:

Also, she was quick to trusting that was Perosk. Didn't they just meet a few hours ago, more or less? Have Perosk answer her when she asks if it was him. After she's sure it's Perosk, then she can show her fear by asking all sorts of questions.

"Perosk, is that you?" Iana managed to ask a bit loudly, making Perosk nervous.

"Shh, there could be someone out there," Perosk replied in a whisper, then answered her question. "It's me, Iana."

The shadowed figure rose slightly off the ground, leaning on her elbows. Her head turned from left to right, examining her surroundings. "Where are we?" she asked quietly. She sat up and turned to face Perosk's cage. "How'd we get here? All I remember is someone walking up to you, then everything went black."


It's just an example of what I'm trying to explain. Please change it around to fit your style of writing. I don't want to rewrite the whole thing so I get the credit. It's your work, so change my example in whatever way you wish. ^_^

“We were attacked by humans. They snuck up on us and hit us over the head, I guess.”


Put the 'I guess' near the beginning of his quote, so we know he's guessing. I would suggest him scratching his head, thinking of what might have happened, and he'd accidentally scratch his bruise, just to throw in a little character. ^_^

I whipped around to see a group of three humans walking toward us in deep conversation.


You gave us two amounts: group and three. You can say a "trio of humans walking toward us" or "a small group of humans walking toward us" or "three humans walking toward us."

“What do we do with these creatures?” one of the humans asked. “They are too savage to be put in people’s households as pets.”


Nothing wrong with the quote. ^_^ It's just here to mark my next comment. :lol: Now you're introducing the humans. We can't really see their appearance, I assume, but you could probably share their body forms and the sound of their voices. Is one of them big and burly? Short and stocky? Tall and gangly? Does one have a rough voice? A deep bass voice? A high tenor? (musical terms are not always used for music ^_^). Maybe one of them has a cold? Lol, I don't know, but you can sure do a lot by describing their shadows and voices.

Oh, and the second sentence can be redone a tad (I lied, sorry! ^^). "They are too savage to be kept as household pets. 'People's' is too awkward. :?

You do a good job with your quotation stops and tags, though. ^_^

The first two humans [s]continued walking[/s]walked toward[s]s[/s] a camp, one that I hadn’t noticed before, and sat down.


The third human that stayed behind and stared at me and Iana with, what I thought, sympathy.


So we can see their faces? Hmm...I wonder what they look like. :wink:

He walked right over to us, [s]and[/s] sat on his haunches, and stared directly into my eyes. He [s]stood[/s]sat there for a long time, just staring at me[s],[/s]. [s]t[/s]Then he finally said, “Can you talk?”


That's an odd question. o_O

“Then my father must’ve been right,” he said to himself.


Ah, you answered my questions! Very good job here, too. ^_^

“Reok[s],[/s]” one of the Humans by the camp called[s],[/s]. “[s]y[/s]You’re talking to creatures...


Change the tag. ..."one of the humans [is there a reason it was capitalized? If so, we better go capitalize the ones from before this point] called from the camp.

These [s]are[/s] locks don’t look all that secure, I think I can get them open with my claw.”


Don't tell us how she can do it. Let us observe it. Stop the quote after she says the locks aren't secure, then have Perosk watch her, impressed with her talents.

[s]Then[/s] I heard a faint scratch of metal coming from Iana’s cage, then a faint click.


I looked over to the men. [s]and saw them[/s]They were still in deep conversation[s],[/s]. [s]Then[/s] I looked back at Iana as she slowly opened the cage [s]as quietly as she could[/s]. [s]It was almost open to where she could get out.[/s] [s]Then[/s]Suddenly a loud screech of metal tore through the night.


You use the word 'then' a lot, which is really distracting. Keep that in mind. There are other ways to hold suspense or continue the story.

The men turned around and stared at us, dumbstruck. The[s]n[/s] first one jumped up and sounded the alarm. [s]yelled,” They’re escaping!” [/s]He ran toward us as he pulled a knife from his belt, but he didn’t get far [s]till[/s]when a gunshot went off and he fell to the ground a few feet from the cage. Behind him stood the Human who [s]talked[/s]had spoked to usearlier.


Who's cage did he fall in front of? Also, the word 'till' is not what you think it is. Till is plow or turnover. What you wanted was: 'til, short for 'until'. However, it doesn't fit anyway. 'When' works better. But, for future reference, it's " 'til ."

“Reok,” the other Human yelled, “what you do that for!”


Again, I'd make these two separate sentences. "Reok! What you do that for?" Secondly, the question, again, has those slurred words. It's really: "What did you do that for?" You want it slurred here, so show it. It's difficult for people to show it, but that's what I'm here for. ^_^ Two options:

1. "Whatcha do that for?"

2. "Wha'd you do that for?" (preferred)

3. "Wha'd'you do that for?"/"Wha'd d'you do that for?"

Whichever you're going for, and feel free to make adjustments to whatever sound you want.

“Reok,” the other Human yelled, “what you do that for!”


Did he shoot the man? (He did, I know. ^_^) You better show us that he's holding up the gun that shot the man.

“You choose to kill your fellow man because of these creatures?!” the other Human, Lojin, yelled in surprise.


“You let your father get to you.”


If the same man from the previous quote said this, you better put a tag on it. ..." the man continued with disgust/disbelief.

They are only mindless animals.”


I'd change 'animals' to 'beats' for more effect. It'll bring us back to what Perosk said earlier.

I glanced at Iana. [s]and[/s] she hurried out and unlocked my cage within a few seconds.


Add a sentence after this for more effect on the next sentence like...i dunno...: However, I couldn't leave just yet. The job wasn't finished.

“Shoot me,” Reok said without looking up at me[s],[/s]. “I got nothing left to live for. If I go home, I’ll be killed just the same.”


Put somewhere how he must have heard Perosk pick up the revolver/rifle (I don't know what gun it is).

Part of me wanted to shoot this human and get revenge, [s]and[/s]but the other part said I should drop it and run.


Iana’s black-furred hand appeared [s]at[/s]on the [s]end of the barrel[/s]butt of the gun. [s]and s[/s]She looked me right in[s]to my[/s] the eyes. “Don’t do it, Perosk[s],[/s]. [s]w[/s]We owe him our lives.” I hesitated before lowering [s]lowered[/s] the gun [s]from Reok’s head[/s]to my side and stared at him intently. He was still crying, but I felt no need to comfort him.


...but Iana stayed firmly planted behind me. “Come on,” I said fiercely[s], this time more urgently[/s].


...but Iana was planted firmly to the ground, her arms crossed across her chest. The last part of my sentence is a possibility, but you don't have to use it.

“Perosk, we can’t leave him here,” Iana said kneeling down next to Reok trying to comfort him. She put her arm around his [s]neck[/s] shoulders and whispered something [s]I couldn’t hear[/s] in his ear. He looked up and stared at her, then he nodded reluctantly. “He’s comin’ with us[s].[/s],she added.


“No!” I shouted. “He’s a Human, and, if you haven’t noticed, it’s ‘cause of them we’re in [s]the[/s] this predicament.”
“But it ain’t his fault, Perosk.” She stood up and walked right up to me. Only a couple inches separated our faces. [s]and got in my face.[/s]


Instead of shouting, maybe he should 'say it quickly.'

I had to watch my parents get killed for Human entertainment!


I managed to escape and find the Wolf Village [s]who[/s] that [s]brought[/s] welcomed me home.”


” I stared right into [s]my[/s] her eyes, hoping my anger would burn her. But what I saw was surprise and sorrow. “That’s my problem with them,” I said quietly and walked off toward the direction I was sure the village was located.


“I’m sorry, Perosk, but he is comin’ with is.”


Use a contraction in the underlined part. He's...

I turned around without a word and followed [s]in after[/s] Iana.


[s]Then[/s] I finally [s]started noticing the[/s] noticed signs that told me the village was close by.


What kind of signs? Were there scratches on the trees? Was there a strangely-shaped boulder? A bush that looked like a certain animal or form? Were the trees similar? Were the trees dead and bare?
I [s]first saw that[/s] watched the ground slowly turned from grass to a well trodden on path. [s]Then the[/s] I also spotted [s]saw[/s] the boulder that pointed towards the village.


Oh! Those signs! Put this in the same paragraph as the previous sentence since both sentences talk about the same thing: the signs. Again, you fall in the Then Trap. 'Then' is a bad word to use. What shape is the boulder? Triangular? How is it pointing to the village? =/

“We’re almost there,” I called back and ran forward. I stopped instantly as I exited the forest and walked into the village. What I stared at was horrible: the Fox Village was destroyed.


I didn't know he jumped to the front of their small group. Mention that. Also, you can make the ending more dramatic than it is now. I mean, the village was destroyed! How is Perosk feeling? Is his heart beating at rapid speed? Did tears come to his eyes? Iana's eyes?

I came to an abrupt halt. My heart seemed to have stopped; I couldn't breathe. The temperature seemed to have dropped thirty degrees. I couldn't believe what I saw.

The Fox Village was destroyed.


Overall, very good. ^_^ I like the plot, as usual. It's a matter of telling the reader the story and lots of description to help the reader picture what's happening. A lot more people are visual learners, so we must be visual.

Five sense: smell, touch, taste, sight, and sound. Use them all to tell your story and draw the reader. The girl's soft brown hair smelled of sweet lavender. The man cackled with laughter, sending chills down my spine. He pulled the trigger, sending his target face-down in the dirt; my ears beat painfully from the loud bang the revolver made. See what you can do? You can do anything! It's a matter of description and grammar. Get one down, and you can work on the other. ^_^

Anyway, I like your story. We starting to introduce our characters, but we can do a lot better. Is Perosk stubborn? Is Iana caring? And what does Reok look like? I see he plays a bigger role than the other men. At least describe him, if not the other men. Is Iana shy? If so, maybe she should hesitate before running to help Reok. If you need help with your characters, PM me. I'd be happy to help you out.

Keep writing. I'll be happy to read more. ^_^

Jabber, the One and Only!
I make my own policies.




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i liked this, but u got a bit confused, i dont think you explained enough. you say that Perosk picked up the gun and aimed it at this guy, and that Iana seemed to comfort him, so i wasnt sure whether these foxes were the same size as humans or normal size, especially seeming you said people thought that places like Fox village were old human settlements. but anyway, i liked the whole general idea and and the cliff hanger at the end. was good apart from some grammar mistakes and the odd confusing sentance.

Waiting for the rest!



what are we?? Writers!!! What are we allergic to?? Giving our characters happiness!!
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