the moon is

The Moon Is


I believe the moon is a goddess sent to watch
Over all the womenbof the world;
the moon is an icon of light in the dark
a symbol of women power
like the phases of the moon
the moon is intoxifying in it's own way
you cant help but stare because like women
the moon is beautiful.

It's awsome...I love the concept but you ran into a few bumps...like:

The moon is as soft as butter;
And also as hard as rock
She is sweet and kind;
Hard and cruel

It might be better as:

As soft as butter;
And hard as rock
She is sweet and kind;
Yet hard and cruel

A few flowing problems:

When she smiles her face
Lights up the sky
When she’s sad
She’s nowhere to be seen

When she smiles
Her face lights the sky
And when she's sad
She's nowhere to see

This doesn't match the rest of the poem:

She loves cold winter nights
And comes out to play;
She also loves harvest time and
Shows her orange painted face;
She turns blue at the end of all hallows
Eve and is always changing shape

Well...the rest is awsome.

I like the opening line, but the rest sort of left a bad feeling in my head. The problem is that it's all rather simplistic. It's fine as a child's poem; I think it would make a fantastic picture book, actually, and there's nothing wrong with that. Simple poetry can be very enjoyable, but if you were looking to write something with a little more punch, there's work to be done.

Description.The bulk of this poem is description. Description is fantastic, but it also needs direction. What are you trying to say about the moon? How does she affect the speaker or people in general? Is there a specific situation you could present that would show something about the moon?
It's great that you can say all these things about the moon's personality, but it doesn't give the reader much to think about. I want to learn something, not be told about the moon's habits or feelings. I could get a second-grader to do that. You need to make the description important. What's the significance of the moon's sadness? How does she relate to the earth or the sun, for example?

Diction. I take issue with one word in particular: females. Why not just say "women"? "Females" sounds so stiff and scientific; it brings up images of biological diagrams, not of people. "Women" has a much warmer, more personal connotation.

-Colleen

I agree with Cade on the matters of Description and Diction. 'Females' does bring to mind diagrams and such. 'Ladies' sounds...weird. And 'Girls' sounds too...I don't know. 'Women' is just right.

Anyways, I love the theme. Poems about the moon are one of my personal favourites. ^_^ I really liked the way you said she was sweet and kind, yet hard and cruel. Many guys I know might say the same about women.

I think you need to add more depth to this, however. But as Cade said, it's fine to be simple. It's just that if you want more...deepness, you should relate the descriptions to your comparing women and the moon. I recall thinking 'Why' as I read this. Why is she sweet and kind? Why is she hard and cruel?

Anyways, this was quite good overall.
Keep writing,
Ayra

im just a begginer so please bear with me my mom has bunders full of things like this and im just stretching my wings< jokeing... anyways i personally always like simple no need to confuse readers with big words no?

Wow, are you just full of good description? Even just replying to a message you wonderfully describe things. But on to the critique.

I'm not the best poet in the world, or even a poet for that matter but we won't go there. I think your poem needs some more direction as Cade said. It had tons of description, but very little purpose. All I knew was that it was about the moon and that's about it.

selenasacuna wrote:im just a begginer so please bear with me my mom has bunders full of things like this and im just stretching my wings< jokeing... anyways i personally always like simple no need to confuse readers with big words no?

I agree that simplicity is elegance. Big words or complicated metaphors do not necessarily make sophisticated poetry, and no one here is encouraging you to write a poem that's an exercise in vocabulary. But the poem itself is simple, meaning it lacks depth.

For a much more comprehensive lesson in everything said above, read Robert Frost.

hm i like robert frost especially fire and ice.

I agree that there is a lack of direction in this poem. What is the underlying theme or mood? A simple poem must convey a simple message or moral. If it fails in this then ultimately the poem will frustrate any reader who comes across it. There is some good, solid imagery in there however, and with a bit of tweaking it has the potential to be a decent work of art. But personally I don't like the Moon being compared to butter

I agree with what's already been said, the theme of the poem is interesting and you have some good descriptions, but see -- all you're doing is describing the moon. We've all seen the moon, we already know what it looks like and that it comes out at night. So everything was just meaningless description, except for the last stanza, where you compared the moon to women, which I liked =D Maybe it's because I'm a woman myself, but I do like the idea here.

What Cade, Ayra, and everyone else meant by direction is where are you going with this poem? What is the meaning of the poem? You might want to make more comparisons about the moon and how it relates to women.

Anyway, I like the first and last stanza. Everything in between was alright, but it needs work. Overall, good try and you should definitely work on this. Keep writing