Revolution: Prologue

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Revolution: Prologue

It had been an easy night for Jack Hester. He had arrived at the house only to find that the kids were all already asleep and the parents already gone, having left some food out for him. Most importantly, the TV, taking up a generous portion of the wall, had cable. He collapsed back onto the leather couch, scooping up the remote and switching it on. He smiled wanly to himself. He was being paid seventy bucks to watch TV and eat their food for a couple of hours. Babysitting was such a scam.

Down the road, about the length of two football fields, the tyres of a white sedan squealed in protest as the car sped down the street. The sound carried to Jack, who snorted with derision. Whatever that guy was doing, he wouldn’t be doing it for much longer. One way or another. “What is he doing,” Jack wondered, “Why is he in such a hurry at one in the morning?” The low roar of a second engine answered him. “Ah, drag racers then,” Jack thought. He settled back on the couch and returned his attention to the TV.

The little row of houses was built on one side of a fence which separated them from the local sports field, used mostly by kids playing Saturday morning games. For the (night-time) fixtures, floodlights would illuminate the entire field. It was odd that the local Council would be willing to spend so much money on a field that wasn’t used for anything bigger than a state competition, but then Ridgewell Park was an affluent suburb, and liked holding festivals and the like where they could show off their wealth on that field.

On this particular night, however, there were no floodlights on whatsoever. Oddly, the streetlights in the immediate area weren’t on either, leaving the entire field hidden beneath a blanket of darkness. The only light issued from the living room where Jack was watching TV. Had he looked out the window, he would have noticed nothing out of the ordinary, except maybe the absence of the streetlights. If they, or the floodlights, had been on, he would have been perplexed by the sight of a lone man, dressed in black, walking quickly across the field, coming from the clubhouse.

James Avery gritted his teeth in frustration, running a hand through his greasy, black hair as he waited. His superiors would not be happy, not at all, and chances were that he’d be the one they’d take it out on. He’d have to convince them somehow to give him more time. Their ‘compatriots’, if they could be called that, weren’t exactly forthcoming with their information. He was beginning to think that they might renege on their side of the bargain altogether, unless given the proper ‘motivation’, as they called it. “Oh, I’d like to give them some motivation,” Avery fumed, “Just give me that chance.” A white sedan pulled up in front of him, the door popping open as it slid to a stop. The silhouette inside kept it’s gaze fixed on the road as it waited for him.

“Get in.”
He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt. - Yossarian, Catch-22

Wide-eyed stupid.

If you're gonna rule the world, you've gotta get up early! - Joel S. Dickens




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Hi...


the car sped down the street.



the? Doesn't the refer to a specific car. But isn't it just a random car speeding down the street? Replace it with a.


James Avery gritted his teeth in frustration


When read the first time, this sentence makes no sense. Only later in the story you understand that Avery isn't a typo.

But other wise the story is quite good, I would like to see more.
So stadig loop ons deur die pers Jakarandas wat val,die bome word kaal Pa staar na die beeld van Botha wat reis op sy perd,Hy wonder was bloed soveel werd.Soveel jare dra hy aan die naam van 'n plek,Soveel jare moet ons nou laat gaan,Is die naam dan so erg,so bitter en sleg?Hoekom gooi jul dit weg?




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It's okay, but...
the tyres of a white sedan squealed in protest as the car sped down the street.

I don't think there's anything wrong with it, but I think it would be better if you worded it:
"...the tyres of a white sedan squealed in protest as itsped down the street.", because I'm pretty sure most people can figure out that it's a car from the context. Also I agree with what Reuben A had to say - the 'James Avery' bit does take a bit of thinking to figure out, but I don't see how else you could put it to get the same effect. Maybe you could divide the text with stars?

Like:

***

?

Ahhh sorry! I have a habit of being overly analytical!! :S

It was good, though!!!




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Billy wrote:Down the road, about the length of two football fields, the tyres ((tires))of a white sedan squealed in protest as the car sped down the street. The sound carried to Jack, who snorted with derision. Whatever that guy was doing, he wouldn’t be doing it for much longer. One way or another. “What is he doing,” ((italicize thoughts)) Jack wondered, “Why is he in such a hurry at one in the morning?”((italicize thoughts)) The low roar of a second engine answered him. “Ah, drag racers then,”((italicize)) Jack thought. He settled back on the couch and returned his attention to the TV.


Billy wrote:The little row of houses was built on one side of a fence which separated them from the local sports field, used mostly by kids playing Saturday morning games. For the (night-time) ((why is this in parenthesis?))fixtures, floodlights would illuminate the entire field. It was odd that the local Council would be willing to spend so much money on a field that wasn’t used for anything bigger than a state competition, but then Ridgewell Park was an affluent suburb, and liked holding festivals and the like where they could show off their wealth on that field.




Ooooh! This has the makings to be a really, really good story!
You write very well and have good style and technique.
Let me know when you update this! :D

-Carly
It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live.

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I want to beta read your novel!


Ask me anything. Talk to me about anything. Seriously. My PM box is always open <3




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Hi,
Really good start enjoyed the story and would like to read more

just a couple of things i picked up on:

For the (night-time) fixtures, floodlights would illuminate the entire field.

Night time doesn't need to be in brackets, only use brackets if extra info is need that wouldn't make sense within the sentence and the sentence must make sense read without the brackets.

It was odd that the local Council would be willing to spend so much money on a field that wasn’t used for anything bigger than a state competition, but then Ridgewell Park was an affluent suburb, and liked holding festivals and the like where they could show off their wealth on that field.

Two things: This is a very long sentence so possibly break it in the middle. Two: you don't need in the field at the end we know what is being talked about by the context


On this particular night, however, there were no floodlights on whatsoever

you dont need the whatsoever really- leaving at floodlights works fine

Other than that really good particularly your vocab. Its really good.

Keep Writing
Titch
x
Writing Is Easy All You Have Do Is Stare At A Blank Piece Of Paper Till Your Forehead Bleeds- Sue Townsend




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Ooo very good, post some more :)
I like your style , it leaves you wanting to know more about Jack and the mysterious charter James.


And Jack/you is right, baby sitting is a scam.
Begin at the beginning and go on till you come to the end: then stop. - the king from alice in wonderland.
We'er all mad here.




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It had been an easy night for Jack Hester. He had arrived at the house only to find that the kids were all already asleep and the parents already gone, having left some food out for him. Most importantly, the TV, taking up a generous portion of the wall, had cable. He collapsed back onto the leather couch, scooping up the remote and switching it on.

The start of this story seems that it is taking place after Jack is done babysitting, then it switches in the middle of the paragraph to where the babysitting is currently taking place.

Whatever that guy was doing, he wouldn’t be doing it for much longer. One way or another. “What is he doing,” Jack wondered, “Why is he in such a hurry at one in the morning?"

The first sentence already seemed to be representing Jack's thoughts. Therefore, the second sentence is redundant.

On the whole the transition between the fourth and fifth paragraph was very abrupt. The way you changed between paragraphs left me wondering what direction you were heading in. Every paragraph seemed to be like it could be the start of the story. I would actually suggest switching around the paragraphs so that they fit together better.

Other then that my only other complaint is that you didn't provide us with enough information to know where you plan to take the story next.




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Hey there.

Here's the review:

It had been an easy night for Jack Hester. He had arrived at the house only to find that the kids were all already asleep and the parents already gone, having left some food out for him. This immediatly leads the reader to assume he is a babysitter.... but why on Earth would the parents leave before the babysitter arrives? The whole point of having one is that the children are not left unsupervised, no?

Down the road, about the length of two football fields, this is good, but maybe you can rephrase it so the length is said before "down the road".

“What is he doing,” Jack wondered, “Why is he in such a hurry at one in the morning?” My advice; thoughts in italics. This looks like your MC is saying it out loud - which I don't think is your intention.

For the (night-time) fixtures, floodlights would illuminate the entire field. Why the brackets? Get rid of them, they're not necessary.

It was odd that the local Council would be willing to spend so much money on a field that wasn’t used for anything bigger than a state competition, but then Ridgewell Park was an affluent suburb, and liked holding festivals and the like where they could show off their wealth on that field. Nice paragraph - I very much like it.

On this particular night, however, there were no floodlights on whatsoever. The last word seems to be redundant - erase it.

I enjoyed reading this; it's interesting, and it immediatly captured my attention. Just work on the abovementioned things, and it'll be great.

Well done.

PM me for anything!

XxxDo



What a piece of work is a man! How noble in reason, how infinite in faculty, in form and moving how express and admirable, in action how like an angel, in apprehension how like a god -- the beauty of the world, the paragon of animals!
— William Shakespeare