Blue Manhattan

NEW:
1.
Cement sidewalks
Crisscross my pavement
And iron buildings dig their feet
Deep into my earth.

2.
Men come and leave their
loves by my gates;
slowly, my sidewalks seem to pour
open.

3.
They wanted to see rivers of
autumn leaves
which fell in the three-day wind and rain
but all they saw
were the polished black limousines
slap an old man on the face
as his autumn slowly
fades away.

4.
(Pink-streaked sunset last night,
and today—
it’s finally blue.)


OLD:

There is no steel in the City
But the pavement on my block
Looking over my world, camera out
From Top of the Rock.

Something about Fifth makes me feel
Not so estranged and cold, like my
Home on Sixteenth Avenue.

They wanted to see rivers of autumn leaves
Crisp on the grass
After collapsing in the three-day wind and rain.

Pink-streaked sunset last night, and today—
It’s finally blue over Manhattan.

You have some lovely images here, but I feel as though they aren't connected well. I finished the poem and was sort of like..."Oh, that's nice. Where was it supposed to go?"

I almost feel as though each stanza was a separate poem, a piece that didn't fit in with the rest of the puzzle. I'm not really sure what the speaker is getting at. Apparently the speaker is standing on top of a building, yes, in New York City? I suppose the capitalization of "City" demonstrates that the city is very important to the speaker. I believe Top of the Rock means the building is Rockefeller Center.

I don't know the significance of "home" other than that it does not make the speaker feel estranged and cold...or it does? I think your syntax, which is awkward in that second stanza, makes this ambiguous. But I've never been to New York City (yes, everyone thinks that when I say "New York" as my place of residence that I mean the city rather than the state) so I don't really know anything about Sixteen Avenue, or Fifth for that matter.

"They"...who's they? Everyone else? Society? Friends? This is very strange because the poem has previously only been about "I," the speaker, but all of a sudden, other people enter the poem. This is interesting, but you didn't develop it enough.

This poem is very rough around the edges. It feels like something that just spilled out but hasn't had the benefit of much editing, or perhaps much thought, just yet. Take some time, get to know your poem, think about what you're really trying to say.

Good luck!
-Colleen

Ok... Not bad.

Let's see. Your beggining is strong. It captures the reader's attention;
"There is no steel in the City
But the pavement on my block
Looking over my world, camera out"

When you refarre to "From Top of the Rock," do you mean that your entire point of view is seen from the top of the rock? If not, I can't see any other kind of symbolism which means that the phrase doesn't make sense.

"Something about Fifth makes me feel
Not so estranged and cold, like my
Home on Sixteenth Avenue."

That's pretty much good.

"They wanted to see rivers of autumn leaves
Crisp on the grass
After collapsing in the three-day wind and rain."

When you refarre to "They" you should be more specific. Who's "They"?
If you dont specify that, the reader sort of feels envolved in a hlifhanger, which i'm sure isn't the point of that specific stanza.

"Pink-streaked sunset last night, and today—
It’s finally blue over Manhattan."

I'd separate "and today" from "Pink-streaked sunset last night," to put more emphasis in it.
Something like;

Pink-streaked sunset last night,
And today!
It’s finally blue over Manhattan.

Nice ending, by the way.

Janis

The poem is nice, but I think you may have bitten off more then you can chew. I mean NY is such a fantastic topic, so many things to describe! So I think that the focus needs to be sharpened, and even then, made a little longer.

It seems to switch focus a lot, I'd rather you brought it back several times to your perch, looking out.

I want to know:
+ What about fifth avenue is so enthralling? And the converse; why is sixteenth so cold?
+ Who wants to see "rivers of autumn leaves?"
I suggest you consider mentioning:
+ The ice skating rink?
+ The stores? The saks window display?

THESE are just suggestions, (I feel like I'm rambling and kinda stabbing in the dark... *apologies* ) the main point, it needs to be longer. But the imagery is beautiful. Also keep in mind that it needs to be understandable for a non new yorker.

I like the ending stanza a ton, it has a detached feeling, almost like a weather report but it's strangely personal and therefore really enthralling.

EXTRA! EXTRA!

Revision for Azila's POV contest.

So do you like it??

Oh, my city. =] I'm going to review the new edition solely; I hope this is okay.

1.
Cement sidewalks
Crisscross my pavement
And iron buildings dig their feet
Deep into my earth.

The first two lines didn't catch me much, but that last image ("iron buildings dig their feet / Deep into my earth") is lovely and vivid and made me smile, because it's so true.

2.
Men come and leave their
loves by my gates;
slowly, my sidewalks seem to pour
open.

This one is almost perfection. The only thing I'm not certain about is the line break between the third and fourth lines. I'd put "pour" on the fourth line.

3
They wanted to see rivers of
autumn leaves
which fell in the three-day wind and rain
but all they saw
were the polished black limousines
slap an old man on the face
as his autumn slowly
fades away.

This one is perfection!

4.
(Pink-streaked sunset last night,
and today—
it’s finally blue.)

Well. There really isn't anything to say about this--it's scant, but in a haiku kind of way. Minimalistic beauty. And I know the sunsets of which you speak. All in all, a lovely job--one of the best poems I've read thus far on the site, and not just because it's about my city. ^_^

Hi there, Gadi!

I really liked this! (thus giving it 1st)

2.
Men come and leave their
loves by my gates;
slowly, my sidewalks seem to pour
open.

I agree with Busboys and Poets; the line break here is a little awkward. I also think you should get rid of "seem to" (that makes it seem like it should be in third person talking ABOUT the city) and make the semi-colon into a dash. As great as semi-colons are, I don't like them in poetry. (but then again, I know next to nothing about poetry, so... >.>)

3
They wanted to see rivers of
autumn leaves
which fell in the three-day wind and rain
but all they saw
were the polished black limousines
slap an old man on the face
as his autumn slowly
fades away.

I think you could put a comma or a dash after "rain" also, maybe "slap" should be "slapping" and rather than "on the face" maybe it should be "IN the face"?? Or am I reading it wrong?

4.
(Pink-streaked sunset last night,
and today—
it’s finally blue.)

I don't like this one; it feels TOO scant. I loved it in the old version, though...
------------------

Overall, I loved this... of course.

let me know which other four pieces I should crit (not rated R, please)!

Hope this helps.
~Azila~

I like how it provides detailed stuff, but, it can be a bit better. I like it, but add more detail in it. Keep up the good work!

-Rick

TThank you everyone!
For all you New Yorkers out there, hope I did justice to your wondeful city.