So a while ago my drama teacher told me to do stand-up, because he thought I'd be good at it. I've been thinking about it for a while, and some ideas came up, so I thought I'd give it a go. This is just one segment. i don't think it's long enough for a whole routine.
Please, please, let me know if it isn't funny. I'm not very good at judging that sort of thing.
So I'll get up there, and this is what I'll say:
Greetings, land mammals. My name is Luke Bowman, and I am here to offer some solutions that will make us feel better about the way we are treating our planet.
I love this planet. The air is full of oxygen and we don't have any fruity rings around us like some of the other, more... feminine planets. We don't get laughed at like Saturn does, or picked on as much as that midget Pluto. No, among the planets, we bow only to Jupiter, and only because he could crush us with one swift motion of his giant high-gravity behind.
Anyway, in order to distance myself from the negative things we've done to our planet, I've done a lot of soul-searching and plan-making. I was watching TV the other night, and they said that "the average household" emits a large amount of greenhouse gases. I forget how much exactly, but that's really beside the point. The average household is what caught my attention. I thought to myself "wow, that is a lot of emissions that are coming just from my house. I don't want to be like the average household for a single day longer."
So I went to bed.
And the next day, I didn't do a lot of difference-making.
But the NEXT day, I made some changes to make my house unlike the average household.
I replaced all my doors with pieces of cardboard.
I got rid of all my furniture and filled three rooms with nothing but lamps and garden gnomes, the kitchen with cookbooks and hunting guides and the other rooms are now just empty.
I covered the walls with pictures of Richard Nixon, Jackie Chan and Christopher Walken.
And I filled the bath with a fine mixture of marbles and custard.
The next time I saw someone quote statistics about the average household and how they're ruining the planet, I looked around and said, "I'm gonna sleep better knowing that my house doesn't fall into that category."
And so I drove my eight-cylinder 4wd to a friends house, where we turned lightswitches on and off as fast as we could and had some nice non-dolphin-safe tuna sandwiches; all the while still feeling like I wasn't part of the mainstream trend of bitch-slapping Mother Nature.
