Blue Princess, Prologue

Prologue

"Your Highness, the princess is missing!" Nurse Mira breathed after her run to find the Queen.

"Impossible!" exclaimed the Queen standing up from her throne. Nurse Mira took a deep breath.

"It is true. I went to check on the princess in her slumber to find her crib empty! She could not run of on her own for she is just a new born. Someone surely must have stolen her!" sobbed Nurse Mira. The Queen's eyes turned cold.

"Show me," demanded the Queen. Nurse Mira nodded her head, her white cap bobbing

"This way, My Queen," instructed Nurse Mira as she turned and led the Queen to the princess's room. Sure enough when they reached the crib it was empty. The Queen went down to her knees as tears trickled down her cheeks. Nurse Mira remained standing, staring into the crib with a sad expression. Suddenly, The Queen stood up and wiped away her tears. Her eyes were serious and her jaw was set.

"Call for the guards and instruct them to search for the princess," demanded The Queen. Nurse Mira nodded sadly and curtsied.

"There is no time for that! Now go!" demanded The Queen and Nurse Mira fled, mid-curtsy. The Queen looked one last time at the empty crib and left the room, closing the door behind her, never to be opened again.

"for she is just a new born."

New born = newborn.

Hey! I liked this. You have written better, but this leaves with a good sense of mystery, which I really liked. It is short, but that is how you like to write.

I liked it. I hope you write more!

BBB

Hello Pawprint :D:D:D:D:

I noticed a couple of things (trying to keep it short and sweet here)

"Your Highness, the princess is missing!" Nurse Mira breathed after her run to find the Queen

With your next sentence of the Queen being in the throne room, why would the nurse have to find her? Details please. :D:D

"It is true. I went to check on the princess in her slumber to find her crib empty! She could not run of on her own for she is just a new born. Someone surely must have stolen her!" sobbed Nurse Mira. The Queen's eyes turned cold.

This language seems to be a bit too formal. The nurse is obviously freaking out, so I doubt she would use proper english Also, we need some thought bubbles from the nurse, since she appears to be the main character at the moment. We need to know why the queen's eyes turn cold too; she could think the nurse was lying, or is worried about her lineage in this particular place.

"This way, My Queen," instructed Nurse Mira as she turned and led the Queen to the princess's room. Sure enough when they reached the crib it was empty. The Queen went down to her knees as tears trickled down her cheeks. Nurse Mira remained standing, staring into the crib with a sad expression. Suddenly, The Queen stood up and wiped away her tears. Her eyes were serious and her jaw was set

Hmmm.... wouldn't the queen know the way to her daughter's room? Also, why is the queen sad? If you look at monarchs, in Europe at least, most marriages were arranged, and their child is a HUGE political bonus because, technically, they are from two countries. The children have activities such as Hawking, Riding, etiquette, Astronomy, learning languages... oh, I can't remember the rest. Basically, in Western Euroupe, the parents and children saw very little of eachother, because they always have different things to do.
I suggest you research the monarchs you are modeling the queen after. :D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D This will help your story, embellish her character, and make her sound more realistic. For example, you could have her execute a political rival that has been causing trouble... or something.

"Call for the guards and instruct them to search for the princess," demanded The Queen. Nurse Mira nodded sadly and curtsied.

The Queen should probably interrupt the curtsey, considering the next paragraph.

Overall:
Well....... it's a little short. We need to know where this is taking place, and an idea where the baby went, even if it's a false idea. Also, we need to know more thought bubbles from either the Queen or the nurse.

The Pros:

The Queen: A political power, her baby missing, the future of her kingdom at stake (unless she has more children and/or can have more), possible political enemies, and the POWA to use every resource possible to find her child. She can make the search blatantly obvious, or TOTALLY secret.

The Nurse: Takes care of the baby, possibly the only person who know the girl inside and out, and more than likely has at least an idea where the tot would be ("she might be with the maid...") and will probably the one to go and find her.

The Cons:

The Queen: It is very possible that people will come up to her with a false find of her daughter, get the money, and leave. Even if the Queen has POWA, she doesn't have THAT much POWA. She can't be looking for her child all the time, because she has a country to run, political games to play... plus, she would probably have to keep it secret from her court, because someone ther could go MOOWAHAHAHA and kill her and take the POWA. (Sorry, I like that word )

The Nurse: Unlike the Queen, the Nurse has limited resources. Even though she works in the castle, she can only do so much. Her story would need a great deal of struggle to be successful, such as her journey, bandits... just lots of struggle, otherwise her story would seem unrealistic.


You could switch points of view even. One chapter about the queen, the other about the nurse. If you're going to write about the princess, I suggest you change the prologue so it's less obvious.
For example, you can have the nurse look at the expensive blanket or clothes of the daughter, or call the Queen "m'lady" but never by her title, i.e., "your highness, your magesty." Well, you CAN use 'Highness,' but be careful with it, because most people imagine royalty. OR... you could have Mira call the Queen by her first name because she raised the Queen as well. Yes, that would make Mira very old, but it would make her story interesting :D:D:D:D:D:D

WELL...... ............................
That's all I have to say. Keep writing Paw. You can go far with this. I know you can. +:) =:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D

hey, there, pawprint. i thought that this was piece was pretty good and straight to the point, but i've noticed a few things within this work:

1.

Someone surely must have stolen her!

i think that you should instead be like, Surely, someone must have stolen her!. like, switch around the surely and someone.

2.

"This way, My Queen," instructed Nurse Mira as she turned and led the Queen to the princess's room.

i honestly don't think that the m in My Queen should be capitalized.

3.

Sure enough when they reached the crib it was empty.

i'd add a comma between crib and it.

4.

"There is no time for that! Now go!" demanded The Queen and Nurse Mira fled, mid-curtsy.

again, i don't think the t in The should be capitalized, either. you have a few where you did capitalize where you shouldn't have. read over it and catch 'em, kay?

i hoped this helped, and if it didn't, then oh, well. haha.
overall: i liked this piece, and i'm looking forward to read the other chapters.

-julie (:

hi Pawprint!
Okay so i like the mysterious feel this prologue sets up, and i can tell its going to be an interesting story. I (sorry seraphtree) like that she has a special relationship with her daughter, unlike most queen's, but maybe you could elaborate? anyways...

Pawprint wrote:She could not run of on her own for she is just a new born.

she could not have run off

Pawprint wrote:"Call for the guards and instruct them to search for the princess," demanded The Queen.

She is demanding, so this should probably be an (!) rather than a (,)

I like this story! going to read the next chapter now
zib

Guys, this was written in 2007, I don't think the author wants much more help with it. I'm going to lock it.

(If Pawprint is around and wants it unlocked, she should be able to do so herself, else just give me or another mod a shout!)

*LOCKED*