I went ahead and changed the rating on this to R, because it is...well, pretty graphic. This just means that people will be forewarned and won't chew you out for it. It's not really a big deal.
This was probably the weirdest thing I've ever read on YWS- and this is a compliment, because...for some reason, I liked it. The odds are kind of against it, but it was kind of awesome. XD
Here are a few things you could do to make it amazing:
- At the moment, the line is kind of blurred between humor and actuality. At the beginning, it's really, really heavy and disturbing because we're not quite sure what to think of it. Is this supposed to be funny? To be horrid?
One of the things you can do to help build up the idea that it's trying to be tongue-in-cheek would be to make sure that you have your grammar, spelling, and formatting down. This might seem kind of elementary (and kind of biased) but people are more willing to accept humor if it's done in a way that's easy to look at. Make sure to run this through spell checker- YWS has one on-site- and also start new speakers on new lines, start new sentences with capital letters, etc. I think you could have some twisted people rolling if you get all of that done.
Another thing you could do is up the casual talk. The "Oh, poor baby" stuff is kind of uncomfortable (in a bad way)- if they only talk to each other, or to the person like it's just a normal day at school, it would be a lot funnier.
- A few minor nitpicks:
• I LOVE Hello Kitty. No, seriously, you don't understand- I love Hello Kitty. I don't know why, but I do. In order for us to be able to feel your character's pain on having to try on juvenile clothing, pick something more widely hated- Bratz, Strawberry Shortcake, My Little Pony, that sort of thing. Hello Kitty is number one in Japan and also in my heart.
• Nicolette remarks that 'band geeks smell awful'- which sounded kind of like a prissy throwaway statement. Have you ever smelled anything worse than a tour bus that is carrying a bunch of sweaty band nerds in damp uniforms back home...? No, I don't think you have. Something like 'band geeks smell awful- they're all sweaty' would probably do that kind of smell more justice.
• Additionally, I kind of love the little asides- "Oh, yeah, and my dad's sleeping with our next door neighbor." It's so horrid, but it works. XD
Anyway, thanks for the read! I think you should provide nightlights free of charge to all who read this; I think we're going to need them.
Graffiti is the most passionate form of literature there is.
I'm sorry, but that was the most gruesome, horrific, gory thing I have ever read in my entire life.
I actually felt sick reading that--cutting out people's eyes? Killing their friend's moms?
It didn't seem real. I mean, no matter how evil, who could kill their own mother?
That was disgusting.
-It amazing how fast the cops will believe something her, especially if you have lots of money. Things had to end with me and Nicolette, I mean when I’m a congress woman running for president how am I suppose explain my love affair with fellow girl. It would definitely crush my chances, so I had to take actions before anyone knew. How great will it look next year, all these things I‘ve gone through – it really shows my character.-
This was one of the coolest things I've ever read, GREAT JOB!!!!
What then? Shall we sit idly and say
the night has come; it is no longer day.
Yet as the evening twilight fades away,
the sky is filled with stars, invisible to day.
