Look At Me

Look At Me

She wears a zip up hoodie.
Her jeans slung low on hips
That seductively sways as she walks.
A few layered shirts hug her form.

Her shoes are expensive,
And match a belt wrapped around her waist.
A necklace, large and shiny hangs low on her chest.
Look at me, her body says.

Her hair is long and straight.
Streaked with many colors.
Her makeup applied heavy around her eyes
Giving the illusion they are wide open.

Her smile is perfect and her lips are full.
She laughs and everyone laughs with her.
She is surrounded by popular people.
All dressed as clones.

She screams out, look at me!
Her beauty gives her comfort. For it is all she has.
Inside she feels ugly, unloved and worthless.
She makes herself bleed to ease the pain.

Open your eyes and look beyond the shell
Between the clothes and the beauty.
Somewhere in the middle you will find her.
She is on your right and to your left.

She is our generation.

Wow. That's really powerful. It really reflects our generation. I REALLY like how you did this:

"Look at me, her body says."

&

"She screams out, look at me!"

Because it really shows the girl's vanity. I really liked it.

All in all, this a really good improvement from that sailing one. lol, I can't remember what it's called though.

I liked it! Keep up!

Wait lol I forgot to say this:

"Her shoes are expensive,
And match a belt wrapped around her waist."

And match a belt wrapped around her waist didn't make very much sense.

Other than that, this is REALLY good!

Keep it up!

BBB

thanks bear, the belts are no longer worn to hold our jeans up, they are now worn around the outside of the shirts. lol.
and i agree on the sea one * no title will be mentioned here*

thanks for your comments.

kim

This truly does hit todays generation of not just girls but guys also. I know of some who cut to ease the pain. Some of my own friends do this. This poem is sad but accurate. Thanks for writing it.

hummingbird

I'm so bad at critiquing poetry because with poetry there really are no rules. So I'm going to say that this poem was sort of...un-poetic lol. I love the idea, but it seems like it's mostly just a description of the girl. If you're going to describe, talk about more than just her clothes and her hair. Talk about her soul, her hobbies, who she is. I don't know if I can explain it any better...

I love the last five lines or so. Beautiful. and so true.

I really liked this.... but I think you could have expanded this a little more. (But then again that's just me.) I liked this alot!!!! Hope this helps.

-Max

This is good and hard-hitting; you've really captured what people are like today. I always say this to people because it's true; everyone nowadays revolves around their image and they don't stop and think about what's going on in the inside.

I have to say though Kim, I didn't actually find this very poetic. I mean, you've got some good imagery, but I think the flow and the structure could be a little better so that it seems more like a poem and less like a descriptive piece.

I found one small spelling mistake but apart from that, your proofreading is top notch. "Illusion" instead of "Allusion".

Good work with some really good foundations, but I think if you made it that little bit more poetic, you could have something really good on your hands.

GingerLove

Wow. This is good. It's true, I love the way you wrote it, the reader can see the girl, it is not obvious at all and I am so greatful that you said, what I've been thinking for the last couple of days!!
Wow. I don't know what to say, but very well done!
Keep it up
~Kalli

You know when i was reading this poem from like the new poems section, i was reading it and thinking hmmn, i was just thinking about this issue recently and then i scrolled up and it and it was ur poem, cuz i've been reading ur poems lately.

Anways yeah i like the way u address the issue about the 'plastics' these days which is like all skin deep int he media about beauty and things. Its really true becuase it is our generation which is like that.

She screams out, look at me!- that line does suggest vanity but i think its a bit like her soul is screaming out like look but not look outside and actually look inside of her to see what she is really is about, even through at the same time she is only caring about the beauty side of things at the same time there may be something more.

"She is surrounded by popular people.
All dressed as clones. "

Yeah i like the way she seems like the 'queen bee' and the way u made it seem even through she laughs and others do and she is surrounded by people but is actually alone in itself which is true.

Overall i think its a strong poem which kind of shows the idea that is so evident in our generation.

Kim wrote:Her shoes are expensive,
And match a belt wrapped around her waist.

This line is confusing. "the" instead of "a" would help this make heaps more sense.

Kim wrote:Giving the illusion they are wide open.

"illusion" is correct here. Sorry LizzyG, had to point it out. "allusion" would be the wrong word.

Kim wrote:She is our generation.

Whose generation? It sounds fine, and is a perfectly good line, I just thought I would point out that *my* generation and yours are different. Perhaps "new" would fit well in here?


All in all I think this is okay. It didn’t hit me hard or anything, neither with the subject matter nor the poem itself. Though I do think it has a lot of potential and a good base.

The subject matter does not connect to me so much. I can see that being the New generation, those kids I see younger than me who are going down a road that I never really considered. My little sisters friends, even my little sisters a bit, who care more about clothes and games and the telly more then I ever did. Still, in the end, this doesn’t hit me at all.

I do agree that this poem seems more of a description than anything else. Some more ‘show’ and less ‘tell’ would be nice.

Again, I think this has potential.

Keep it up ^.^

*Hearts* Le Penguin.

Thank you for commenting, i will go back and make some changes.

kim

Wow, this is very powerful.
And so, so true. You really hit hard with this poem.
I actually think was very poetic. I think good poetry should be full of feeling, and what is this but full of emotion? The 'look at me' lines were excellent and I don't think you should change this one bit.
I can tell that you really thought about this. Great job!
-Ayra

I know lots of people like that, and I think the poem really captures that kind of feeling. I love how by describing the girl, it is showing how giving her attention is what most people do, so it's clever in that sense. I wasn't sure about the flow of it, but I tend to prefer a poem with a more structured rhyme scheme, so I think that is just my bias. Over all I think it is really good, and, as much as I risk sounding pompous since this is my first critique: keep it up.

This is a very solid poem. no catchy rymes. I personally don't like the ryming as much. I do like the subject matter you chose to write on. It is very unique and so true of today.
I also wouldn't change anything. You give a very powerful message.
I have been following your work, and you always seem to have a positive message.
Very well done.

Carl

I really like the idea behind it, although you are making a generalization... everyone isn't like that. Just the scene/emo kids... haha. Take me for example! I go to school in such a mess it is as though I only rolled out of bed and left the house. (I'm better than that. XD I brush my teeth too!)

I think the one thing about this poem I don't like is that it is only telling, and there isn't really any imagery or poetic devices in it. It just has a statement to make, but because it isn't written in a powerful way, it doesn't leave a powerful impact on me. I'm not sure how you could improve that, though...