Words Unheard.

A word whispered
from miles gone by,
flickering in the darkness
of moments unheard,

slips its way from
mouth to mouth.
Souls connecting
in hidden agendas;

moving from age to age
words become garbled,
with the twisted lies
of minds long faded.

Finding goals in lost causes
that cower away
from meanings accepted
by life's rigid laws.

Though all should fail
these words whisper on
in the close of time,
As words still unheard.

Very nice work.
Is it about school? Because when you said aggendas I though about school. When thought about school I though about gossip etc etc.

I think you have a tallent

Keep up the good work!
Gwenevire

I thought it was interesting, although I can't really expand on that. XD It's a good topic, but I think you could do more with it. As it is, you're just telling, which can make for a boring anything--show, don't tell, right? Imagery and metaphors are big elements of poetry, so you might want to consider how you can slip some of those in here to bring the poem to life more.

If there was one thing about it that bothered me the most it would have to be your punctuation. Keep in mind that poetry needs punctuation just as much as a sentence in a story, or a whole story, needs punctuation. It has to be grammatically readable--you know? If you were going to put your poem together like a sentence, this is what the first sentence would be:

A word whispered from miles gone by, flickering in the darkness of moments unheard, slips its way from mouth to mouth, souls connecting in hidden agendas, moving from age to age words become garbled, with the twisted lies of minds long faded, finding goals in lost causes that cower away from meanings accepted by life’s rigid laws.

That's a really long, nonsensical sentence, isn't it? Which is where punctuation comes in. Here is an article that might help you out: Poetry & Punctuation.

I kinda like the rhythm in this, but if I'm honest, I didn't really find this as striking as I thought I would. When I read the first stanza, I though that it was going to be great but as I read on I thought it was pretty average.

But, you have some nice foundations.

Thankyou most kindly, dear critters ^.^

All of your comments are most appreciated. I *think* I fixed the punctuation, putting it in a paragraph like that was most helpful indeed! Thankyou majorly Suz, I think I'll use that method later on - punctuation is forever a personal difficulty.

I do also understand the imagery thing. It was quite odd to read through the poem, actually, and find I had little imagery, I'm usually a stickler for it. So, I shall work on that. Maybe I can make it more... Noteworthy... Or something of the like.

I shall get right on that.


Thankyou all once again. I do so appreciate the commentations.

*Hearts* Le Penguin.

Hm.. I liked the rhythm better than I did before and I think the imrprovements that you've made have helped the pome dramatically, but I actually still don't find it as hard-hitting as I thought; maybe I'm reading it wrong.

I kind of had trouble grasping the idea I suppose - I'm not very clever.

Also, why on some lines have you not capitalized the first letter? Is this purposely, with some kind of structure, or is it just a mild spelling mistake? I don't know, I tend to just stick to the traditional stanza structure.

Good work, Penny,
GingerLove