Cinderella

The clock’s face is blank now I’m without you.
All substance trickles through my hands like tears
Though lessons are stored, I don’t have a clue
What bitter sweetness could assuage my fears
Of sitting by fires, long since gone out,
My face smudged with cinders which cannot fade.
Despite magic poured, I must always doubt
The true solidity of the joys made.

My pumpkin was smashed, that’s all that it was,
Halloween horror with one stroke of light.
At least I ran before darkness because
Better to weep than be wed to the night.
My last hope fragmented like my glass heart.
Love’s a void promise which tears you apart.

Good flow, and I felt it was really powerful. "Halloween Horror with one stroke of light" seems a little off-topic for me. Overall, I really wouldn't change much (poetry isn't my strong point, however).

This very good, i like the discriptions you use.

It is hard to read though, try and break it up into paragraphs. Large blocks tend to keep people from reading all the way through.

you also need to add some periods at the end of your sentences. Try reading it out loud to your self. When you pause put in a comma or a period.

other then puncuation errors, this is great.

kim

"The clock’s face is blank now I’m without you"

I don't get that part. Awesome, awesome poem, though.

Whoa...that was really good! I liked how you described the whole....you know the ball and midnight. It flowed pretty good. You used correct punctuation which really made me happy.

Good job!


BBB

I really love this! I think you did an excellent job, your word choice was great and it flowed very well! ^_^

Hi!
The poem is really amazing
I like the rhyme scheme in it.
I'm a bad critique so I just have a long list of compliments!
Anyways, I really enjoyed the poem so keep writing!

Jasmine Hart wrote:The clock’s face is blank now I’m without you.
All substance trickles through my hands like tears
Though lessons are stored, I don’t have a clue
What bitter sweetness could assuage my fears
Of sitting by fires, long since gone out,
My face smudged with cinders which cannot fade.
Despite magic poured, I must always doubt
The true solidity of the joys made.

My pumpkin was smashed, that’s all that it was,
Halloween horror with one stroke of light.
At least I ran before darkness because
Better to weep than be wed to the night.
My last hope fragmented like my glass heart.
Love’s a void promise which tears you apart.

Its really awesome, becuase its short, but still tells a story. i feel like i can identify with 'CINDERELLA' or the character. if i was to change anything, it would be the word substance in the first sentence, it sounds wierd to me. but other than that it was AHMMAAZINGGG!! i mean really, you are really talented!

Thanks for the reviews. This is rather old!I think I wrote this about three years ago... Saddy, there are some good articles on critiquing if you feel like you need to gain confidence in your reviews...I forget exactly where but have a rummage around! They're very helpful. And welcome to YWS, you two.

Hi,
This was cute and had nice flow to it. I always loved Cinderella as a child, something seems so magical about having a boy finding your glass slipper then marrying you. Oh the fantasy's, lol.

PM me if you need anything!

Love,
N

Locked by the request of the author.

In the future people, please only review recent pieces. No one likes a necroposter.

-Kylan