Something Out There

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Chapter 10

The afternoon sky soon became dark. The ominous cloud was closing in faster than the angels could get Christian to run. His little legs pumping as fast as he could go.

Christian was running out of air, his legs burned and his chest felt like it was going to explode. “Run faster, don’t stop!” was the only thing going through his mind.

“Why am I running?” Christian momentarily thought. “Just run! Your life depends on it.” His mind screamed back at him.

Three war angels and one guardian tried to cover Christian as he ran.

Christian's guardian angel, Seth, was on his right side yelling for him to run for his life. Seth could smell the sulfur as it consumed the oxygen in the air. The flapping wings numbering in the thousands reminded Seth of a drum roll. He was sure the demons were right on top of them.

Seth quickly turned his face upwards, yellow and red eyes glared back. Seth could see the murderous look in them. The demons were not about to let Christian get away. They would not fail this time. Each one wanted the glory for himself. They pushed each other out of the way to get to the child first.

As Seth looked up, Christian stumbled and fell to the sidewalk; he rolled a few times and landed face down on the cement. “Get him up Seth!” Aronn yelled as he drew his sword. The demons were now descending upon them.

Samuel and Ernes also unsheathed their swords. They looked at each other, nodded and then the three war angels put their faces to the sky, wings folded back and with a flash of blinding light they shot straight up into the oncoming legion of demons.

As the angels approached closer they let out a war cry, the sound itself stopped the ones that were in the lead, causing a dominoes affect within the ranks. The demons became entangled within each other. Wings, talons, and black scaly bodies were falling in all directions.

Aronn was the first to enter, he opened his wings to their full span knocking a few out of the air and sending them spiraling to the ground. He could feel their claws and swords tearing at his cloak. Turning to the left he let his body spin, his sword swathing a clear area around him. Now free of their grasp, he ripped off what was left of his cloak.
Aronn looked around and found Samuel and his Captain on each side of him. Standing side by side, they continued to slash into the onslaught of the demons. Blow after blow of swords connecting, had created a shower of sparks.

Samuel felt a searing heat slash through his left leg, as he looked down a large gnarled bodied demon was just raising his thin sword to strike again. Samuel let out a roar and brought his blade straight down. The demon backed up and raised his sword to block the blow, but collapsed under the power of it. His squinty red eyes looked at Samuel in fear as he felt his sword break from his grasp and go spinning into the cloud of spirits. Dismembering a few of them.

The demon screamed as Samuel brought his sword down again and again, passing through his body like butter, cutting him to pieces. Green mist escaped from the demons’ insides with each strike. The last blow severing the grotesque head from its shoulders.

Captain Ernes found himself covered with smaller spirits, instead of using swords they gnashed at his back with sharp teeth. They clung onto him with razor sharp claws. Their numbers alone would eventually weigh him down. Ernes shook off his cloak, taking a few of them with it. He shook his whole body to get them to release their hold. But they had dug in deep and would not let go of him. His sword was useless on these tiny ones; he risked cutting himself if he tried to use it.

“Captain! Go into your famous spin.” Aronn yelled over the din of flapping wings. “I will follow underneath.”

Ernes released a surge of power as he sent his body streaking through the air, wildly spinning; he darted in and out of the mass of demons. He shot straight up, banking right and then a sharp left. Continuing this procedure until one by one the tiny spirits released their hold on him. Aronn was behind him, slashing away at the ones who lost their grip. Not one survived the wild ride.

Seth had spread his wings to cover Christian, whispering in his ear to get up and run. He was frantic, trying not to watch the battle above him; he concentrated on just getting Christian home.

Christian reached up to feel his face, making sure he was not bleeding. He just wanted to stay where he was and rest, but his instincts were telling him it was not safe. He felt a shiver go up his back. Still on his belly face down, he lifted his head and looked around. It seemed darker now and a sense of ominous danger was in the air. Fear gripped him. Just then he could feel himself being lifted off the ground. That was all he needed, he put his legs back into action and headed the two blocks home.

Seth had seen the demon break through the ranks, and dive down towards them. He looked for Ernes, Aronn and Samuel. They were still trying to hold off the advance, and did not notice the lone demon heading for Seth and Christian. Seth grabbed the back of Christian's coat and yanked him up, he yelled in Christian’s ear. “Move now!” To his relief Christian got up and took off running.

Seth turned to face the demon head on, “STOP” he said while putting both hands in front of him. “You will not touch that boy.”

The demon snickered, “And who are you to stop me, you wear no battle armor and carry no weapons, with what strength do you think you can stop me with.”

“Put your skinny sword down and fight with just the strength you have in your hideous body.” Seth said, while rolling up his garment sleeves.

Out of the corner of his eye, Samuel noticed Christian running alone. He was almost to the front door. The war angels surrounding the house closed in around him ushering him up the stairs and into the house. He was safe for now.

Samuel yelled at Ernes and Aronn. “The child is safe.” He said. “Head to the house now!”

Just as the three were backing up, a flash of light sped past them, going straight up. All they could see were silver and blue wings. “That is Seth, what is he doing?” Aronn said. “Please don’t tell me he is running away.”

“He is not running, look.” Samuel said. Aronn looked up and noticed the demon in Seth’s grip. All three laughed as they watched Seth drop him.

Seth charged the demon and with all his strength he wrapped his arms around the demons neck, and put his wings to work. He flew as high as he could, until the houses were just specks on the ground. He stopped in mid air, the demon dangling from his arms. “Let me go, your crazy! This is no way to fight.” The demon wheezed, trying to get air.

Seth looked down at the three angels below him, they were ready for him. Seth let go, and watched the demon tumble into three blazing swords.

The four angels headed to the house and entered through the roof. In the attic they laid their swords down, and sat with their backs to the wall. A smile played on their faces, they had succeeded this time. It felt good.

The legion of demons watched as the angels flew to the house and enter. They backed off noticing the house had full protection. They scattered into nearby trees, bushes and what ever else would conceal them. They would hide and wait. It was better then going back to the stronghold and facing the Strongman.




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First off, you keep switching the point of view too much. It's hard to tell which is the main character.

The afternoon sky soon became dark. The ominous cloud was closing in faster than the angels could get Christian to run. His little legs pumping as fast as he could go.

You can do a lot better with this description. At the moment it's rather choppy.

“Why am I running?” Christian momentarily thought. “Just run! Your life depends on it.” His mind screamed back at him.

'Little legs' in the previous description makes him sound very young. This is probably not the best dialogue.

Three war angels and one guardian tried to cover Christian as he ran.

Christian's guardian angel, Seth, was on his right side yelling for him to run for his life. Seth could smell the sulfur as it consumed the oxygen in the air. The flapping wings numbering in the thousands reminded Seth of a drum roll. He was sure the demons were right on top of them.

Seth quickly turned his face upwards, yellow and red eyes glared back. Seth could see the murderous look in them. The demons were not about to let Christian get away. They would not fail this time. Each one wanted the glory for himself. They pushed each other out of the way to get to the child first.

As Seth looked up, Christian stumbled and fell to the sidewalk; he rolled a few times and landed face down on the cement. “Get him up Seth!” Aronn yelled as he drew his sword. The demons were now descending upon them.


This description is confusing. Why is there sulfur in the air? Why doesn't Seth help the boy?

Samuel and Ernes also unsheathed their swords. They looked at each other, nodded and then the three war angels put their faces to the sky, wings folded back and with a flash of blinding light they shot straight up into the oncoming legion of demons.

As the angels approached closer they let out a war cry, the sound itself stopped the ones that were in the lead, causing a dominoes affect within the ranks. The demons became entangled within each other. Wings, talons, and black scaly bodies were falling in all directions.


Why would an entire LEGION of devils be so afraid of TWO angels? Even if it's the front row, that's a lot of freaking demons.
You are making the evil things stupid. In most cases, they are not. Come on, if a devil is supposed to tempt someone with something that is obviously wrong, they have to be a lot smarter than how you portray them.

The demon screamed as Samuel brought his sword down again and again, passing through his body like butter, cutting him to pieces. Green mist escaped from the demons’ insides with each strike. The last blow severing the grotesque head from its shoulders.

...
Why didn't he just slice of the head?

“Captain! Go into your famous spin.” Aronn yelled over the din of flapping wings. “I will follow underneath.”

'Famous spin' sounds bad. You can do better with this dialogue.

Ernes released a surge of power as he sent his body streaking through the air, wildly spinning; he darted in and out of the mass of demons. He shot straight up, banking right and then a sharp left. Continuing this procedure until one by one the tiny spirits released their hold on him. Aronn was behind him, slashing away at the ones who lost their grip. Not one survived the wild ride.


You're making this too obvious. We know the angels are going to win. There is no struggle at all.

Seth turned to face the demon head on, “STOP” he said while putting both hands in front of him. “You will not touch that boy.”

The demon snickered, “And who are you to stop me, you wear no battle armor and carry no weapons, with what strength do you think you can stop me with.”

“Put your skinny sword down and fight with just the strength you have in your hideous body.” Seth said, while rolling up his garment sleeves


Take out the caps. It makes your work sound childish. Embellish this dialogue. It needs to reveal something.

“He is not running, look.” Samuel said. Aronn looked up and noticed the demon in Seth’s grip. All three laughed as they watched Seth drop him.

Seth charged the demon and with all his strength he wrapped his arms around the demons neck, and put his wings to work. He flew as high as he could, until the houses were just specks on the ground. He stopped in mid air, the demon dangling from his arms. “Let me go, your crazy! This is no way to fight.” The demon wheezed, trying to get air.

Seth looked down at the three angels below him, they were ready for him. Seth let go, and watched the demon tumble into three blazing swords.

The four angels headed to the house and entered through the roof. In the attic they laid their swords down, and sat with their backs to the wall. A smile played on their faces, they had succeeded this time. It felt good.


Why are the angels LAUGHING????? That sounds incredibly heartless and cruel for their kind. Also... if Seth is so freaking strong, WHY didn't he just take Christian into the house? He can touch him, obviously, so why did he make the boy run?

The legion of demons watched as the angels flew to the house and enter. They backed off noticing the house had full protection. They scattered into nearby trees, bushes and what ever else would conceal them. They would hide and wait. It was better then going back to the stronghold and facing the Strongman.

Again, THIS^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ is WAY WAY WAY too obvious. The angels have too much power, and the demons not enough. There is NO STRUGGLE. It's almost pointless to read this because we know what is going to happen. Besides, what's the point of Christian getting into the house if the Angels are going to win anyway?

Overall:
I think you can do a lot better with this. Throughout the piece, it keeps switching the point of view, and that makes it very hard to feel for any of your characters.
Also, we need some thought bubbles. Your battle is silent. Your people are silent. Half the time we have no idea what is going on, and the silence makes it seem too much like a movie. You are focusing too much on the physical battle. Make some mental and emotional ones. 'Seth blanched "oh my gosh my brother!!!!' he was a fallen angel..." or whatever. Also, where is this taking place? All we know about is some dirt, a house, and the sky. What does it look like? Is it too lovely for a battle? Is it raining? Is there lightning?? Please, give us more details.

Keep writing. :D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D
"How grateful we are that the heavens are indeed open, that the gospel of Jesus Christ has been restored, and that the Church is founded on the rock of revelation. We are a blessed people, with apostles and prophets upon the earth today."~ Thomas S. Monson




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wow, thank you for taking so much time and critiquing this, you have no idea how much i appreciate this.
this is my first time writing a story. and this chapter was very hard to put on paper. i will definitately go back and work on this.
again thank you so much.

kim




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...I read this a long time ago. Didn't I give a review? *blushes* sorry, Kim!

Well, this was really good. There was only one thing that I really didn't like in it, and it was this line,

“Put your skinny sword down"

Skinny sword down? Eek! I didn't really like that description. Throughout the whole story, your writing doesn't seem to fit in with 'skinny.' sorry!

The action was VERY well pulled off. Let me go back and see something...

"He shot straight up, banking right and then a sharp left. Continuing this procedure until one by one the tiny spirits released their hold on him."

These sentences should be combined.

Alright. This was a really good chapter. I still can't believe that I never replied! Gah! anyway, you did really good. I am always looking forward for the next chapter(s)!

BBB

[EDIT] Oh... I didn't know that you were posting it in fantasy and adventure. lol! I did review it in the other one, also!
Just write -- the rest of life will follow.

Would love help on this.




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Well, practice makes perfect :D
Since this is the exciting part, I did try to tone it down a little. I know those parts are like blood, sweat, then OH MY GOSH HE'S DEAD!!! And, well, they don't always make sense when they come out. That happens to me a lot. What helps... I usually leave the exciting part sit for a few days, and work on some other stuff. Then I come back and read it, thinking :thud: and edit it :D:D:D:D I suggest you do the same.

Oh, I'm more than happy to crit your work :D:D:D:D:D:D I mean, it's here for a reason, right? For example, I posted my rewrite of Songwood II, and no one replied. I mean, I could see that people had read it, but I couldn't tell if my work was bad or good, or totally unexplainable. SO... yes, I will always say something for your work. :D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D
"How grateful we are that the heavens are indeed open, that the gospel of Jesus Christ has been restored, and that the Church is founded on the rock of revelation. We are a blessed people, with apostles and prophets upon the earth today."~ Thomas S. Monson



Powerful men have a way of avoiding consequences.
— Dr. Harrison Wells, The Flash