10:23, or is it?

[pre]Look up.
–Its 10:23.
says the face on the wall.
10:23
itch.
thirst.
bored.
no.
maybe.
tick.
gut.
feeling.
relax.
tock.
antsy.
leaving.
almost…

wait

It’s all a lie.
Somewhere along the sands –I mean hands–
of time, the clock broke.
Froze.
and all those things I felt belonged to another moment.

Those thoughts belonged to 10:23 –
that moment when the hands stopped ticking, and time’s pulse flat lined on the monitor.
Now, I realize it isn’t 10:23
therefore,
I now know that I know
nothing.
(by Socrates [philosopher] as written by
Plato [philosopher] because Socrates never
wrote anything, he just asked everything)

I am not even sure what time it is.

It is:
some-time-other-than-10:23
And I still don’t know when the bell rings. [/pre]

jacqueliemi,


The whole thing feels like a big gimmick.

The one-word lines aren't doing anything but annoying your readers and taking away from the poem.

I can see what you're trying to do, which is write a poem in the form of a footnote, but it just isn't working. Probably because most poems never work in this form (since the form becomes the poem).


Best,
Brad

Points for trying, but I'm going to agree with Incandescence. Didn't quite work.

Without dispute, the poem was born out of a gimmick. It isn't a particularly engaging topic otherwise. Poems about boredom are generally; (you guessed it) boring.
But your fatal flaw was trying to tie it back into real life. Ironically these lines were the most awkward.

+ "Wait...... Its all a lie"

+"and I still don't know when the bell rings"

If you are putting down a fairly ambitious concept such as this, live or die by it. I would rather keep drifting in time, then be suddently and annoyingly trust back into (of all things) a school period. Surely you can do better, either tie it back to something more important, or keep us drifting.

Again, a commendable attempt, I think.