City of Ashes

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I liked it a lot! The best part was the imagery you gave: I really felt like I was inside your dream! And it also had a great story for as long as it lasted. Keep sleepin'!

Thanks!
I wonder what I'll dream of tonight...
If it's interesting, I'll write it down.
Maybe I should have a kind of dream journal or something...

Hi there Ayra.

Alright, I have read most of your fantasies that you've posted on the fantasy forum, and I have to say that there is something that bugs me a bit with your work. Don't get me wrong, there are some things you do well in, but at the same time, there is also something that really bogs your work down. Allow me to explain later on.

I think the strong point of your writing is your descriptions. You do a nice job showing to the reader of the setting and character. To an extent, it does set up a mood, but it is neither original nor mind provoking. It's just standard. That, I believe, is due to the fact that sometimes you associate a description with a cliche.

For example:

I felt the tears again, and this time I made no effort to stoop them. They flowed steadily down my face; hot, bitter rivers of unspoken anger and sorrow.

We know that tears are often associated with anger/sorrow but can you expand on the theme? Can you provide your own thoughts and ideas to this link you are portraying and expand on it? By applying more thought and creativity into your work, it will be quite indepth and thought provoking to read.

The descriptions also feels purple at times. For example:

The tolling of a bell broke into my reverie, sending my thoughts scattering away like marbles from an overturned jar.

Ok, what does a jar have to do with fire causing havoc and destruction? To me, it just feels as though your trying to be fancy and it really doesn't work.
Now I know this is just a dream you had, but you should be able to dwell deeper into the themes that your dream portrayed.

Now for the character development of this piece. Again, you only just hit the surface of your emotion. Let me ask you this: How many stories contain a character that cries/despairs when their home village is destroyed? I can think a couple on top of my head already. My point is that you need to think harder as to how the character would react. Link the situation at the time with the character's personality and her view point of the world that she lives in.

You did try to link her emotions to bells and the hooded figure, but I believe it was a bit cliche too. We all know that the ringing of bells can represent doom/death and the mysterious, hooded figure is so overused in literature. What I would like to see is what the character actually thinks of this in a much more broader perspective. You have her crying and doing all this standard depressing stuff, but there is no emotion behind it. Show us how the ringing of bells and the hooded figure creates both an external confict and internal conflict with the character. That will be your reason as to why she is crying. As a result, this will not be a cliche, because you are making the idea your own by contributing your very own thoughts and beliefs.

I shall stop there. Basically, you need to think on your work more. You do not show us, the reader as to why we should care about your characters or what is happening with the story. Show us the relevance as to why it is so in your story.

Considering this was your dream, you should be able to dwell deeper into it.

Hope this helped.
Andy

I like this a lot! You did a nice job with the imagery, you made it seem very... real, very believable. I was pulled into the description from the beginning. That was one interesting dream! My dreams have never been that... coherent. XD At least as far as I can remember.

...I've been sitting here for twenty minutes and can't think of any good critique, so congratulations! This piece is really good, I'm eager to read more of your work!

Thanks for the critiques everone!

Squallz: I'll consider what you said about the dwelling deeper, but I really can't help it if my dreams are cliche. I know alot of stories have those kind of connections, but it was just a dream. I'm not going to say I dreamed something else because other pieces of writing have similar ideas.

first of all let me say that dreams are an excellent medium for starting stories. a few of my stories (most of them still in progress) are from dreams.

in terms of plot: you don't need to say "and then i woke up" at the end. it kills the fantasy. id just keep going w it, see where your imagination takes you. go to the old man, see where he leads you, find out what happened to your home, find reconcilliation, just have fun with it

you could go back and double check for punctuation, it bothered me in some places, but thats just a detail (an important one, but that can always be fixed easily).

i don't really get where you are going w ur spacing. in certain places it looks like you are trying to write a poem, and in others it looks like you are writing a story. just stick w the story type spacing.

He laughed quietly, again. I began to feel irritated. What was he laughing at? I had just discovered that my home, as well as those of my neighbour's, had been burnt down!

goodness -_- what a switch of tone there. ok, please avoid that "whatchu looking at?" type of tone, you can ponder certain things, but this sounds like the voice of an agitated teenager, rather than an observent narrater struggling with complex emotions.

i agree that a dream journal is a wonderful idea. your imagination can create incredible dreams, but its horrible when one forgets them so writing them down asap is a good idea.

.... ..........
Really, REALLY creepy. I had a dream similar to this. *Shudder*

HAHAHA Now you've inspired me to write about my dream. Unfortunately, the dreams I remember don't make much sense. I suppose it wouldn't hurt to try though, would it?

Thanks Seraph!
No, it wouldn't hurt to try If you posted your dream, I would read it ^^
Anyways, I'dd edit this...soon, hopefully
Thanks again,
.:Ayra:.

Greetings there. First of all, I admire you for your dreams. I wish I had dreams only half as cool as that. Most of the time I don't dream anyway (in other words, I have not even a shard of memory on them). But anyway, the thing you wrote here is pretty good. I also agree with the person above (I don't remember the name now) that you could continue this. Of course, this was your dream as it was, and that was your point when you posted it, but I find that this is good material to create more out of it. Without a real idea behind it all, of course it gets pretty hard at first, but it should be possible to figure out something. It's a bit like that with the first chapter of the story I posted several weeks ago. The whole thing also was born out of a minor inspiration (not a dream however). I do still have problems to figure out how it continue. But I keep going because I believe in it. My point about saying this whole thing about myself (as it apparently has nothing to do with you) is that you should just give it a shot, and try to see if you can find a fitting story to this "intro".
Another note I want to point out, you're pretty good at describing, but I also agree on that it could use a bit more of inner actions of the character (thoughts, emotions).
Mh, this said, I think there is nothing to add from my side. Good luck!

wow, I would freak out if I had a dream like that!

It was really good, your description was great!

Much thanks to both of you! (Ashgan and Majestic Fantasist)
I actually did freak out a bit when I woke up, lol. But I'm glad I had that dream ^^

Wow.
You have such a way with words!!
Greattt discription of the dream.
I felt like I could have been standing there with you and experienced everything you did.

You are lucky to have dreams like these, even if they do freak you out =]
I always dream stupid dreams that don't make sense and I can't clearly remember when I awake.
Again, cool

Thanks!
Squee--I'm getting so many critiques! Yayness!
=) Oh I'm in such a good mood! *does cartwheel*
Wheee!
Anyways, I'll stop being crazy now so I can go eat dinner

I love it!
I think you should try to read it out laud to yourself and maybe you could smooth out some of the bumps.
I think its very interesting. You should continue it!

Grate work!
Genevieve
xxx