Music

The roar of the bass
like waves on the shore
caressing my face
shattering my inner core

The melody of the violin
like the song of the eagle
It tickles my skin
a sound so divinely regal

(Something I wrote in orchestra class. I play violin in case anyone is wondering)

I think this would be better without the rhyme.

Personally, I wouldn't say a bass roars at all. And I don't think there's enough expansion here to justify letting the shattering aspects of it contradict the caressing of the face. And "inner core" is one of those phrases that doesn't really mean anything unless you take the time to really go through what that means...but that could be a whole poem in itself ^_^

In the second stanza, "cry of the violin" has a sad connotation, while eagles are generally hopeful symbols. As such, the two needlessly contradict each other. But it's nice that the words "divinely regal" are used since both are often associated with the symbol of the eagle!

In all, I don't see much point. Yes, they're two descriptions of instruments, but why must these instruments be described? How do the two connect to each other?

spiritblackwolf2705,


This suffers the same problem as your last piece: irrelevance to anything, even within the poem itself. Some lines present an image that just disappears altogether, never to return or be explained.

Before posting another poem, really try to write something--this involves the initial writing, then subsequence returns for edits--before posting it. You will see a remarkable increase in positivity from reviewers here.


Best,
Brad

spiritblackwolf2705 wrote:The roar of the bass
like waves on the shore
caressing my face
shattering my inner core [comment 1]

The cry of the violin
like the song of the eagle
It tickles my skin
a sound so divinely regal [comment 2]

(Something I wrote in orchestra class. I play violin in case anyone is wondering)

Comment 1: I like that line ^_^ It sounds, I don't know...good?
Comment 2: I don't really like that line--it sounds like you had to force a rhyme there. Furthermore, eagles don't exactl have songs...they kind of just, well, screech...

OVERALL:
This isn't my favourite of your works. It sounds like you had to force the rhymes, especially in the second stanza.
It's not bad, but, well... not my cup of tea, either.
But anyways, keep writing,
.:Ayra:.

P•S•- Please don't take my comments too harshly!

Very pretty. I'm in a band, so I can understand how a strong bass can "roar".

Whoa, this; I liked!

I loved the rhythm and rhyming scheme of it all; it was really clever and the fact that it was only two small stanzas long didn't bother me at all. I think if you had done it any longer or shorter, it wouldn't be very good, so well done.

The idea and the imagery of which you used really blew me away; it was oh, so powerful in oh, so little words.

GingerAwe

I have to say I really like it.

I do agree that a bass roars. In fact, it often growls.

The last line in the first stanza seems un-relatable. If you do use it. Expound it.

The last stanza for me isn't as good as the first. I guess because I'm not a total fan of strings.

Pretty Good.

i agree, this is very good, and if you know music, then this would make sense. a bass does roar. you did an awesome job.

kim