Goodbye Mortality

Shadows mask my dreams
No more time to pick teams
The warmth that I love
Flies off with the last black dove
As my mind twirls like a cyclone
It is time I face my fate alone
I bid farwell to my mortality
As my nightmare becomes my reality

(Something I wrote while I was laying in bed last night)

You should try rewriting this without the rhyme scheme because it makes the rhythm a little strange. The rhyme becomes all I can concentrate on, rather than the actual content of the poem.

Also, think about word choice. Instead of shadows "casting" over your dreams, you might want to choose another word. An example would be "blanketing" because that still conveys the idea of covering the dreams, but can also have a sentiment of smothering, which can relate to the idea of nightmares and mortality. However, I suggest you use a different word than "blanketing" because I'm sure there are better words to use. It's the thought process that I recommend at this part, and to the poem in general.

i like this one! the only thing i have to say is that some of the rhymes sounded choppy maybe you could find a way to make it run smoother? i think it was because the beat was off, it was like five syllables then a couple more and i think maybe it would sound a little more smooth if you added a line between each rhyme so that its not quite as choppy. overall, i really liked it! i liked the mood, the metaphors, and i could see a whole picture in just a few words. my favorite line is: bid farwell to my mortality
As my nightmare becomes my reality and im not sure why. again, i think it would sound a little smoother if it ryhmed every other line, because the feeling of the poem is someone coming to terms with death so i think its kind of a slow mood because that is a hard thing to do so maybe if you rhymed every other word and made it longer... did that even makes sense? well if you dont get what im saying, basically i liked it. good job!

I'd follow Amelia's words... She's a smart one.

I don't have a whole lot to say on this for the moment. I would try to come up with something other than "my heart turns to stone". Like Amelia said, word choice is important. Why stone? Well, currently, because hearts always turn to stone... but you could pick something else that would give more meaning and power to what you were trying to say.

Also, don't forget, punctuation is your friend!

Okay, thanks. I'll fix those things.

Edited!

i think this is beautiful, i actually like the ryme.

maybe because you edited it before i got to read it.

normally i dont really like poems on death, but this was well written.
i think you did a great job.

kim

spiritblackwolf2705--


No.

This is tired navel-gazing rendered in off-kilter prose. Just for example: how does L1 impose any relationship on L2, or L3 (ad nauseum)?

The rhyme of "love" with "dove" is the most emotionally moving point of this piece: I cried.


Best,
Brad

spiritblackwolf2705 wrote:Shadows mask my dreams
No more time to pick teams
The warmth that I love
Flies off with the last black dove
As my mind twirls like a cyclone
It is time I face my fate alone
I bid farwell to my mortality
As my nightmare becomes my reality

(Something I wrote while I was laying in bed last night)

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I underlined the 4th line because I think it sounds a little stiff in contrast to how the rest of the poem flows. I know this probably doesn't sound as good, but it might be smoother if you did something like this:
Gone with the last black dove
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Anyways, I really liked that. Sure, there's lots of poems on death, but this one was really good. You actually rhymed well and I loved, just loved the word choices!

spiritblackwolf2705 wrote:I bid farwell to my mortality
As my nightmare becomes my reality
--------------------
I think that is definitely the best line- the rhyming sounds smooth and the words kind of ring after you finish reading it, ya know?

--------------------
OVERALL:
I'm not very good at reviewing poetry, but I did my best and I really thought this way a good poem. It puts an image in my head of some erratic storm over a windswept hillside/cliff, with a raven haired woman standing at the edge. Her eyes are slowing closing. I have no idea why. But anyways, I really liked this!
I agree with the person (cant remember exactly who) who said that you should put 'blanket' instead of 'mask' on the first line. It relates to sleep and still makes sense.
Great job & keep writing,
.:Ayra:.

Wow, okay, Brad. I personally think you are to harsh, you may be trying to help with the writing and everything, but it doesn't seem like it. So if all your going to do is tell me how bad it is, then don't bother posting on my work at all.

And to everyone who posted before Brad, thanks for pointing out some of those things I need to fix.

~Spirit

Thanks Ayra!