Untitled [formerly Rules for the Lost]

Really, now, snowglobes always sit on the wrong
side of the bookshelf's ledge edge
They slide thin between books, they
tip through the wall;
They cycle up and around, insulation
through the room in some inverted gravitational pull;
And then at your feet sits this snowglobe
snuck up through the carpet, and you know
it was never always there, but it was
Gone forever, now come back.



[s]roaming back to the bookshelf
everything's gone
cycled up and around to
yet still yield a clean-enough-room until
looking for something,
it is
never always there; then
gone forever, now come back.[/s]

Amelia:


This is nonsense. It's like a story you have randomly deleted sentences from and added carriage-returns to.

The prospect of using this form (kind of a surrealist stream-of-conscious approach) often ends in nobody having any idea what you've just said. Only usually great writers can pull it off in a way that leaves you with something to think about.


Take care,
Brad

Dzen dobry, moja Melja

I'm rather tied on the this, darling. I see Brad's side entirely, and then I see the poem, and it's trying really hard to be a good poem but I don't think it reaches it yet.

I do like the stream-of-conscious style, but I hate how the lines don't gently flow into the next. Instead, I feel like I've hit a wall, and I have to reread the lines to try and understand their meaning and see how they connect. It made it difficult to read...especially the transition between L3 and L4. But I like the stream-of-conscious, just not the lack of flow. You've written some beautiful things, so with that, I know, you can turn this into something just as great as all those others.

Though I liked the idea, the mention of a bookshelf is so meaningful to me, hah, and the story it told, since everyone can relate to it, I again see Brad's reason, and I have to nod.

Only usually great writers can pull it off in a way that leaves you with something to think about.

It didn't leave me with anything to think about--and isn't that what you want to achieve with poetry? Or leave some effect? Some feeling, image? Now, I know you know this--heck I'm pretty sure you know all of this but you were trying something new and hoping it would work despite the broken spots. I do that too (only I always do that, you, on the other hand, can make masterpieces).

I think you could edit this and improve it 100 fold, or perhaps use it as a first draft, and try to expand the idea. Perhaps you could widen the meaning of "lost" (being lost in the world, isolation, losing a sense of home, losing love) but still stay within the poetic realm of lost objects in ones own room. I think that would make a very beautiful poem, and I have confidence that you could write it.

Like Suz, I'm stuck between liking this poem and agreeing with Brad. I enjoy the feel and tone of the poem; you crafted it beautifully.

I actually have "Across the Universe" stuck in my head right now (because I like spending Saturday afternoons listening to vinyl albums in the living room) and this poem went hand in hand with that. But like the line "Jai guru deva om" it doesn't make a lot of sense even when translated because it feels like pieces of the phrase are missing.

I disagree with Suzanne on the subject of flow...I liked the way it flowed. It was an enjoyable read, but it left me with little to think about. Use your ability to create these images and phrases in a more constructive way; say what you want to say and don't make it too cryptic or random.

Keep at it!
-Colleen

mm, let's try this again ^^

So I decided the title would be better fitting for something else (what, I don't know yet, but I'm sure there'll be something else to use it with).

Is it a little more sense-making now?

I'll agree that this doesn't flow all too well, but i disagree about this being nonsense. It's the kind of thing you have to read over twice, then again. I like the feel of it, each time i read it, it shows me something new. Kudos.