MOM chapter 1

4 posts
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jwoot14
Gender Male
Points 890
Reviews 13
Thu Nov 15, 2007 4:58 am
jwoot14 says... · Thu Nov 15, 2007 4:58 am
If anyone is expecting another comedy story, then too bad, this wont be funny
~Jwoot14
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"Joooooohhhnnn....Joooohhhhnnn.... look at me john..."

"what?" "huh" this voice, it was familiar....but who was it, i just can't place my finger on it.....

Jooooohhhnnn... you must find me....

"what?!?, holy shit, that dream again, that voice... agirl's voice..."

I got out of the blanket i slept in on the floor and touched the metal of the ground...

"cold, as usual" i decided to get up, even though the sun was just rising now.

"hopefully dad won't mind me getting up this early, i don't want a beating first thing in the morning"

my dad's not the nicest guy around, actually, i really REALLY hate him, but

he says that if i ever tell anyone about him, or if I run away, he'll do

something so amazingly mean, I'll wish i was burning in hell, needless to

say my dad wishes i was never born.

"HEY KID! WHAT ARE YOU DOING UP?"

"I had a bizarre dream and can't sleep"

"oh too bad for the little guy, did you get scared"

"no, i just wanted to get up"

"well it's a good thing you are up, see I need someone to move the old

refrigerator to the front yard so the guys can come and pick it up."

"can I get some breakfast first?"

"NO! YOU CAN"T, YOU KNOW THE RULES"

"I need to earn my food, yeah I know"

"Good, then get to work"

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Yeah, im in one of those moods, this is my story, dont like it? go f*** yourself

(No cursing in comments please. -Grif)
I'll take you by the hand, and I'll show you a world you can understand

-Three Days Grace, Pain
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Alteran
Gender Male
Points 9022
Reviews 647
Sat Nov 17, 2007 6:46 pm
Alteran says... · Sat Nov 17, 2007 6:46 pm
jwoot14 wrote:
"Joooooohhhnnn....Joooohhhhnnn.... look at me john..."

"what?[s]" "[/s]huh" this voice, it was familiar,[s]....[/s]but who was it[s],[/s] [s]i[/s]I just can't place my finger on it.....

"Jooooohhhnnn... you must find me...."

"[s]w[/s]What?!?, holy shit, that dream again, that voice... a<(space)>girl's voice..."

I got out of the blanket [s]i[/s]I slept in on the floor and touched the metal of the ground...

"[s]c[/s]Cold, as usual" [s]i[/s]I decided to get up, even though the sun was just rising [s]now[/s].

"[s]h[/s]Hopefully dad won't mind me getting up this early, [s]i[/s]I don't want a beating first thing in the morning"

[s]m[/s]My dad's not the nicest guy around, actually, [s]i[/s]I really REALLY hate him, but <(GapClose)> he says that if [s]i[/s]I ever tell anyone about him, or if I run away, he'll do <(GapClose)> something so amazingly mean, I'll wish [s]i[/s]I was burning in hell[s],[/s]. [s]n[/s]Needless to <(GapClose)> say my dad wishes [s]i[/s]I was never born.

"HEY KID! WHAT ARE YOU DOING UP?"

"I had a bizarre dream and can't sleep"

"[s]o[/s]Oh too bad for the little guy, did you get scared?"

"[s]n[/s]No, [s]i[/s]I just wanted to get up."

"[s]w[/s]Well it's a good thing you are up, see I need someone to move the old <(GapClose)> refrigerator to the front yard so the guys can come and pick it up."

"[s]c[/s]Can I get some breakfast first?"

"NO! YOU CAN"T, YOU KNOW THE RULES!"

"I need to earn my food, yeah I know."

"Good, then get to work."
"Maybe Senpai ate Yuka-tan's last bon-bon?"
----Stupei, Ace Defective
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User avatar
Icaruss
Gender Male
Points 890
Reviews 115
Sun Nov 18, 2007 8:06 pm
Icaruss says... · Sun Nov 18, 2007 8:06 pm
So... I guess I'll go f*** myself now.

Sorry.

(Do not use curse words in comments.-Grif)
there are many problems in our times
but none of them are mine
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User avatar
Griffinkeeper
Supporter
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Points 2702
Reviews 867
Sun Nov 18, 2007 11:36 pm
Griffinkeeper says... · Sun Nov 18, 2007 11:36 pm
So let's start by not cursing out your reviewers. If you don't want this piece to be reviewed, I'd be more than happy to delete your story. You can then be content with your own work and the reviewers can spend their time on more appreciative authors.

Your story is poorly written. There is just one sentence that is written with proper grammar and punctuation and that is this one.

"HEY KID! WHAT ARE YOU DOING UP?"


A number of the grammatical errors involve capitalization. There are only a few rules to remember along this line.

1. Capitalize the first letter of every sentence.
2. Capitalize the letter "i" when it is by itself. "I think" instead of "i think."
3. Capitalize titles. "Your Royal Highness" instead of "your royal highness."

Notice that capitalizing every letter of a word is nowhere on this list. This is more of a style thing. Authors will use all caps to indicate violent shouting. Anything outside of this is frowned on.

A few other errors involve the use of punctuation.

"I had a bizarre dream and can't sleep"


This is an incomplete sentence. You can finish incomplete sentences with a period, a question mark, or an exclamation mark. If you wish to continue a sentence, insert a comma, then continue the sentence and end with a period.

"I had a bizarre dream and can't sleep," I said.


Or if you wish to have a rapid fire set of dialogue, you might omit the 'I said' and just use a period.

"I had a bizarre dream and can't sleep."


Now let us continue on to this nightmare:

my dad's not the nicest guy around, actually, i really REALLY hate him, but

he says that if i ever tell anyone about him, or if I run away, he'll do

something so amazingly mean, I'll wish i was burning in hell, needless to

say my dad wishes i was never born.


This is a perfect example of a run-on sentence. Split them into separate sentences.

Also, "needless to say" is actually needless. Unless your character was actually using it in dialogue, I'd get rid of it altogether. I think most of this can be left un-said. Instead of describing all the meanest that the father is, why not just show how the son acts around the father? Instead of talking about how his father doesn't like being woken up, why not show him tip toeing around the house?

Show more; tell less.
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Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened.
— Winston Churchill