In the Night, Under the Moon

In the Night, Under the Moon

In the night, under the moon,
The stars in the sky shine out and bloom.
Fireflies dance a glimmering polka,
Water lilies row their gondolas.

Fairies spread their little wings,
Welcoming the light of the moon.
Listen to the seven archers, who sing:
Oh, bless the moonlight, to free us from night's gloom!

In the night, under the moon,
Nature's beauty carries along their escapade.
If the sun rises, pixies of the dark hide in their rooms,
Waiting for a moonlit night to rise again.

nice poem! k, a few suggestions. in the first stanza i might change

In the night, under the moon,
The stars in the sky shine out and bloom.
Fireflies dance a glimmering polka,
Water lilies row their gondolas.

to

In the night, under the moon,
The stars in the sky shine out and glimmer.
Fireflies dance a shimmering salsa,
while water lilies row their gondolas.

i know there are some big-ish changes but i think it flows better and works better rhythmically. if you don't agree i understand.

the one other thing i would change about it is the first line of the second stanza. instead of


Fairies spread their little wings,
try
Fairies spread their minute wings,

that way you keep the 2 syllable word but it's more interesting.
good job!
~abby~

Lil_Pau,


I, for one, would like to see more quality than quantity. All four of the poems you have just posted suffer from a rhyme scheme that render the poems uninteresting and clunky.

Have you tried reading them aloud? Even an ear tuned to Avril Lavigne would notice that "polka" sounds horrifyingly out of place and doesn't rhyme in the least with "gondola" (do you even know what a "gondola" is, by the way? I see neither Wal*Mart, nor hot air balloons, nor flatbottom riverboats in Venice to justify its existence).


Better luck later,
Brad

I liked this although the rhyming scheme was just none-existant for me. When it was there, it was wonderful, although when you began to build up on that, it just because a blur of words and rhymes that confused me endlessly.

I liked the idea; I love fantasy poems, you don't see that many around nowadays. You have some good foundations here for something that could be fantastic, but I think you could improve the whole rhyming scheme so that it flows a lot better.

Good work,
GingerLove

Yay, faeries!

This is great, and I loved how you rhymed "polka" with "gondolas." (I don't think anyone's done that before.)

In the night, under the moon,
Nature's beauty carries along their escapade.
If the sun rises, pixies of the dark hide in their rooms,
Waiting for a moonlit night to rise again.

This stanza didn't work for me. I feel like the rhymes are extremely forced and have no real impact. Also, "Pixies of the Dark" sounds like some spoofy horror fantasy film. But then again, we all love those.

Overall, nicely done.

I really liked this... it sounded... I dunno, pretty. I think it's called imagery or something... heheh. =]

I'm hardly one to critique poetry, since I know nothing at all about it, but I guess I could say you could work on helping it.. er.. flow? (I'm a hypocrite)

But I liked it.

-Emily

I agree with abbisnail that you should maybe change "polka" to "salsa."

Also "Oh, bless the moonlight, to free us from night's gloom!" seems to have almost too many words for comfort. Maybe it should be "Oh, bless the moon, freeing us from night's gloom!" That flows better to me.

Other than that I just loved it! Great idea!