Transformation

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[pre]His warm blood seeped into my cuts,
I could feel it changing me.
A pain like ice ripped through my whole body,
Causing an excruciated cry to tear through my throat.
I tried to stop my tears,
Because I knew this was what I wanted.
The metallic taste of blood streaked across my tongue,
But I didn’t mind.
It tasted strangely good to my new self,
Giving in to my craving.

The craving all but consumed me,
I had to give in.
He put his wrist to my lips,
My teeth willingly sank in.
His eyes glowed with slight madness,
I was his now.
That thought comforted me,
As did his presence.
His cool arms wrapped around me as I released his wrist,
Its instant healing a sign of many things to come.
I heavily sighed as he held me against his chest,
I could hear no heartbeat.
“Is it over?” I murmured,
As the pain thankfully subsided.
“Oh yes,” he replied,
Thirst finding its way into his eyes.
“Oh yes.”[/pre]
Last edited by Kelsey Logan on Wed Nov 14, 2007 2:04 am, edited 1 time in total.
KTL :P




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this reads like prose, it might be better as a story.

small grammer detail: you say It's once where you should use its (line 20)

so whats happening? shes changing? but shes already a vampire, how could she be changing any more? shouldnt HE be the one sucking out her blood, making her a vampire? if she changed him into a vampire why is she in pain? the plot is a bit confusing

and once again id like to say that i think this would be better as a story, not a poem.

besides that, nicely written, it kindof gave me shivers, that could just be because i dont like blood.....but either way it's nicely written.
Be obscure clearly - E. B. White


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Hmm, I agree. It would be better as a story, few peoms have dialouge in them. So, try converting it to a story, it would be a lot better.

Not trying to be harsh!

(I'm also a fan of vampires, feel free to PM if you have any questions about my critique)

~Spirit



Of those who say nothing, few are silent.
— Thomas Neill