He's So Gorgeous

Okay this is english homework in by tomorrow morning so I need your thoughts on how to make it better asap!!!

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He's so gorgeous
Not even the rising sun
Can beat his beauty

He's so gorgeous
His dazzling blue eyes
Are enough to enchant a lion

He's so gorgeous
His face is as though
It was carved by angels

He's so gorgeous
That when he smiles
He just lights up my day

He's so gorgeous
When I go to sleep
He's the last thing i think of

He's so gorgeous
When I wake up
He's the first thought in my mind

He's so gorgeous
I can't live without him
He's my one and only

Hey there!

Well, this was good, if rather cliche.

thing i think of

*I

This was cute but I can't help but wonder if you can use a synonym for gorgeous instead of repeating it. Or perhaps change it about a bit.

Also, try expanding on what you have. Some of the imagery is good, but we don't have any smells or anything more in it. Something to make it more believable.

All the best,
Alainna
xx

Thanks for the comment. Sorry about the mistake I was in a rush
But thanks for the tip

Um, ew.

He's so gorgeous
His dazzling blue eyes
Are enough to enchant a lion.

"Enchant a lion" sounds a bit off. Use another whatever.

The whole poem was... I don't know how to say it. Not my thing. The subject, that is. I don't think there was anything much wrong with the writing of it.

Hello Darren!

Well, reading over the poem it was okay. And other than the few mistakes pointed out above, I will not note any of my own. The whole thing was, indeed, rather cliche--which is really kind of a no-no in the poetry world (apparently, unless you lived in the 16th century). I can't really tell you how your teacher will view it, but if you ever try to do anything greater with it you will need to odd some originality. I think that if you are going to repeat the same line at the beginning of every stanza then the stanzas need to be significantly longer than they currently are, otherwise 1/3 of your poem is the same line. Personally, I think it would be more affective to start and end the poem with the same line rather than repeat it with each stanza.

Happy Editing!

And welcome to the YWS.

-Via

Hmm...

The lion thing was kind of strange, in my opinion. Also, the repetition of "he's so gorgeous" annoyed me a bit, but what's worse is the cliche of the whole thing.

It was okay, but you could do so much better.

i really like the first paragraph, but after that it seems that your discriptions are less.

try adding more to each paragraph, show that he is gorgeous, not just that you love him.
the poem is good, it just needs alittle more is all.

kim

Okay thanks guys and sorry if it anoyed you.
I should have spent more time on it but im deffinetly goin to edit it and post the new one.

Thanks for the opinions!!!

your poem in no way annoyed me. dont bring yourself down.

kim

thanks..

i like it, it was alil cliche but its cool i mean i know how you feel in the poem

Hey Darren,

I'm guessing by this point the assignment is long over, but I just wanted to drop in and offer some advice. There is absolutely nothing wrong with the topic you've chosen; your problem is the presentation of the material. To me, this feels like you're forcing yourself to be poetic, and it comes across like you're being sarcastic, almost.

It was really strange to start out with grant, sweeping imagery, then move to very homey, familiar images. It didn't work. The enchanting a lion thing was just plain weird. I could see that working in a poem set in Africa or something, but for this it's very out-of-the-blue. It should go.

The parts I liked best were at the end. Not the way they were written, necessarily, because they are drowning in cliche, but the sentiments they expressed. The end rang much more true than did the beginning. I think this C.S. Lewis quote really explains it well: "Even in literature and art, no man who bothers about originality will ever be original: whereas if you simply try to tell the truth (without caring twopence how often it has been told before) you will, nine times out of ten, become original without ever having noticed it."

Anyway, g'luck if you decide to edit this!

Yet again you express my feelings towards a guy that I like. Amazing!


Great work! I just love this poem!

Zalex

iQuippie wrote:Hmm...

The lion thing was kind of strange, in my opinion. Also, the repetition of "he's so gorgeous" annoyed me a bit, but what's worse is the cliche of the whole thing.

It was okay, but you could do so much better.

I agree with IQ on this.....the repetition of "he's so gorgeous" did get annoying.....and the cliche of this whole poem is worse........it was meh but you could do way better and i hope to see improvements in the future

It's a very cute poem. I liked it. I almost fell in love with that guy. Who is he anyway? I wanna meet him!