Trinity

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Mkay. This is from Tanslie's point of view. It is an edit of my first Intro. I have added a little bit more description and changed a few things around. Hopefully, it is better than the last one. I am currently working on a rewrite of the Intro. so that's why you don't see one posted. Sadly, my dialogue (periods and commas) still needs working on, so bear with me on that. All in all, I am happy with this and I hope you enjoy it too.

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Chapter 1: Reunions
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“None of us were strong enough to accept what was coming.”

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Tanslie
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It was so quiet outside; it was as if everything was holding its breath, waiting for the world to change. The stars winked above me, knowing nothing of what was about to happen. I thundered up the wooden stairs of the shop, late for yet another meeting. As I reached the final steps, I saw a faint light glowing from the single room at the top of the stairs. I could hear the faint whisper of a traveling cloak swishing against the floorboards. I burst into the room, panting, and saw Wyndegan, sitting patiently in a chair.

"You're late," he scolded. I didn't have the breath to answer, so I sat down in the chair opposite of him instead. Wyndegan looked at me with curious eyes. My long, silver hair was tied into a sloppy pony tail and my gray tunic had stains in it. Finally, I gained my breath back and looked at him. His indigo hair flashed blonde in the candlelight. I was always amazed at how his hair could change colors in just a small light difference. Wyndegan’s silver eyes were shaded and he was wearing a brown traveling cloak and matching brown boots. The cloak had blue and green patches in it. The boots were scuffed. No one would have guessed that Wyndegan Traystelle was once a prince.

"Wynn, any news?" I asked, leaning casually back into my chair.

"No news," whispered sadly," No one in the resistance has been able to contact each other. It seems that the Empire is getting smarter. It's harder now, what with spies everywhere we turn. It's a miracle we've managed to last this long," I nodded; guards were taking extra precautions now. I knew it would have been only a small amount of time before we would be forced to take extra care.

"We need a new headquarters, Tanslie, we can’t stay here. What use are we if we are forced to stay in hiding?" this question also burned inside of me, but unfortunately, I had as much answers as him.

"Have you ever thought about giving back what we took? Do you think that would make a difference?" I asked sharply at the pained look on his face. Wynn looked at me through narrowed eyes.

"Do you know what that would mean, giving back his greatest weapon? Do you think that the Overlord would lessen his punishment once we returned what was stolen from him?" he asked. I bit back my retort and stared at my hands.

"It isn't just an item that we can destroy, Tanslie, it's the Overlord's sister, a human being. We can’t kill her because she hasn't done anything to cause harm. She has sworn her allegiance to us, not her brother," Wynn stood up and looked down on me.

"Please don't mention that idea again," he demanded. Wynn paced the floor. During his silence I did a quick scan of the room. It was the same as always: small and a little stuffy. A torn green rug lay the center of the room and a single, slanted window was cut into the wall. The only objects in the room were the two chairs that Wynn and I occupied and the candle that burned on the windowsill.

Finally, Wynn sat down and passed a hand over his tired face.

"What was I thinking, starting the resistance? We're a bunch of teenagers, trying to fight a losing battle," Wynn groaned.

"You said that last week too," I replied," And do you remember how I answered?" Wynn smiled and looked at me.

"You said that if I gave up, you'd personally hunt me down, rip out my spine, and call me a spineless idiot for quitting," he said.

"And I still hold true to my word," I replied. Wynn shook his head and laughed.

“Sometimes, you’re a really scary girl, Tanslie.” Wynn said comically. I grinned and patted him on the shoulder. I was about to say something when I heard a creaking down stairs. My heart started thumping wildly as I started at Wynn in shock. Someone had heard us. Wynn extinguished the candle and put a hand over my mouth. A thumping noise indicated that someone was climbing the stairs. The door opened slowly and light spilled into the small room. Wynn pulled me into a corner.

"Anyone there?" a voice called out, rough and tired. After many minutes, the person left and his footsteps disappeared. Wynn let out a long breath and took his hand away from my mouth.

"Sorry," he said," I didn't want you to scream."

"Whatever," I answered," We better get out of here. For all we know, that man could come back with a guard." Wynn nodded.

"You're right, I'll contact you when we need to meet again," Wynn looked out the window and then he quietly opened the door.

"Wait until you know I'm gone; then leave," I nodded my understanding. Wynn's gray eyes flashed mysteriously as he lowered his head in farewell; then he left.
To give dignity to a man is above all things.
~ Indian Proverb




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Hey there flyingdream.

I had mixed feelings about this piece. I think it was ok but after taking my advice into incosideration and revising it, it would be quite good. I didn't do a line to line simply because your writing style works very well for me and your potential readers so I'll leave it be.

The opening paragraph is what got me reading this. It was a shame you didn't carry it throughout your piece. It's the opening paragraph that allows your reader some room to reflect as to what is happening. After the first paragraph, you just jumped the gun and it leaves the reader thinking "Ok...what the heck is happening...and why should I care?"

Basically said, I think you should slow down the plot and explain things. Also, show more of the environment so that the reader can connect with the story itself, but more importantly, your characaters. This goes onto my second point: character development

The dialogue seems to be just there, because you didn't establish a strong enough direction or connection between this piece and the reader. As a result, this also affected your character development, for the dialogue itself doesn't really distinguish one person from another.

Characters were quite bland in my opinion. You have character rambling about some plot to kill some overlord and some minor character descriptons but other than that, they feel flat. I had little to no insight into the characters. I mean, why were they going to overthrow an overlord, what were they feeling at the time, how are they acting in this given situation? You don't have to give us full insight on them, but at least show us some so they we can actually care about your characters.

I also think the overlord plot is cliche. You better have a dang good reason as to why they want to overthrow this dude. The whole theme of good vs evil is abused too much and I feel fantasy is dying nowadays.

One last thing: Make it longer too. To be honest, I actually want to read more of this as there is potential to this piece. The reason why I sounded harsh is because you didn't really make good use of it. Longer chapters not only make your story feel more solid and indepth, but it will give us a little more insight on your fantasy world.

Overall, it was ok. I hope my criitique helped. If you need anymore help, PM me.

Andy
"To the edge of the universe and back. Endure and survive."



This report, by its very length, defends itself against the risk of being read.
— Winston Churchill