Suicide Muse

Suicide Muse
Who pulls the heart-strings of the Muse?

She dresses white in feathered lies,
persuaded by the fiends at bay, to
dance the tulips’ waltz.

Lathered in bare moonlight,
black, black, black.
She paints a song of sorrow,
aglow in a cannibalistic light.
Waiting, pearls and satin rising higher, still higher,
until the sun is cloaked in midnight madness.

Her rawest moment lies here,
bare breasted, maniacal, a beast of beauty—
the Muse at the gulf of lions. Water cascading,
fur erupting, engulfing, fire soft in her eyes;
she points across the water to the land, reflections.
Golden hands surround the blackened cheeks, of
stalks and stalks in petals, leaves; she and them, her and I,

she watches with those eyes.

Even in the darkest moments, pits of oil, greasy, maggoty,
pests with claws, sting and bite, she cries—

Silence becomes the Muse.

You have some really gorgeous stuff here, but I feel it was too much description and too little substance.

Description. The way you describe something can say a lot about its purpose in the piece and the speaker's feelings about it, but you might've overdone it. Clearly it's a negative but intrigued feeling. This "suicide muse" is very beautiful but frightening at the same time. But there is a limit to how much description you can go into.

Lathered in bare moonlight, her skin a dazzle,
black, black, black.
She paints a song of sorrow, tops twirl,
the lights glow in a transitory cannibalistic light.
Waiting, pearls and satin rising higher, still higher,
until the sun is cloaked in midnight madness,
speak but a word and all is forgiven.

This stanza in particular is a lot of abstract babble that I think could go, for the most part. I really like the bit "Lathered in bare moonlight" but the line "transitory cannibalistic light" kind of ruins it for me.

Overall, just clean it up a little...what's really necessary in this poem and what's fluff? Strip it down to the bare necessities, and that's when it will be at its best. You've got some really gorgeous stuff here--go with it!

-Colleen

Thanks Coll! -a bit edited-

Oooooooooooo....this reminds me of 'mourning becomes electra' but that's the musical, i think, so it's fine, or maybe it's a common phrase in poetry? i still have a lot to learn. i found the poem quite realistic, in the sense that, well......it seemed like a dream to me.
And oh i think you didn't quite edit it right--
Quote "the lights aglow in a cannibalistic light. " Unquote

it seems wrong, you know, the way 'light' has been repeated, you should find a different way to put it- maybe in a few lines and not necassarily just one. and like cade said 'caniballistic' does not sound right. something like feral or well, wild? or maybe you've already used that.......the poem is quite taken over by adjectives.

<and hey! you're from Mongolia.......i think that's just great. i'm fascinated by the place. also, i'm writing a book centered around the age of mongol invasions on samarkand, and maybe i could ask some things- you seem the best person available. do tell me what you think and thanks for the read>

Thanks for the crit! Just PM me for whatever you need.

Phew, this is powerful stuff you have here. Your imagery is beautiful and the flow, along with the meaning of the poem adds a real impact to the reader.

I think you've picked a wonderful topic to write about and another good thing is that you didn't make it seem too depressing and morose [I can't spell], and made it somply poetically beautiful. Not all things about death and loss should be unhappy, after all.

Good work,
GingerLove