Tears

I lay alone,
upon a cold floor,
staring into the sky,
my soul floats,
to lands beyond,
as free as a bird,
spreading my wings,
but I fall back to earth,
into the rivers of blood,
sinking and sinking,
deeper and deeper,
gasping for air,
I find my self,
laying on a cold floor,
in a river of blood,
mixed with my tears.

Sounds like a bad LSD trip.

Nice rhythm, terrible cliches. I swear I am going to find a cliche in every line here--and from now on, for every cliche I find I get a dollar!

I lay alone, (There are so many different positions to lie alone. "lay alone" is overused these days.)
upon a cold floor, (For once, somebody say "hot floor"!)
staring into the sky, (What about "staring at the roof of my tent"? And why do you lie on the floor and look at the sky? Is it a patio outside?)
my soul floats, (What other things do souls do these days?)
to lands beyond, (Beyond what? So many people have used this.)
as free as a bird, (This is in the same category as "as red as blood".)
spreading my wings, (I won't even comment on this one.)
but I fall back to earth, (Earth should be capitalized if it's "to Earth", not "to the earth". Other than that, fabulous uncliched line.)
into the rivers of blood, (Rivers of BLOOD? My god. Just say "rivers of ink"!)
sinking and sinking, (so you sank twice?)
deeper and deeper, (You need to know that by repeating "sinking" twice, we assume the river's pretty deep. Plus it's a cliche word.)
gasping for air, ("Gasping for air"? Okay, I'll take off only a half-point on that. But still, you could have used so many other greater words!)
I find my self, (It's a new trend now, huh? I don't know how many times I've read about somebody "finding" themselves.)
laying on a cold floor, (Again with the cold floor. Maybe just say kitchen floor and end it.)
in a river of blood, (What does this symbolize?)
mixed with my tears. (I've read about blood mixed with tears, chocolate, honey, water, even pee, but I've never heard of milk mixed with tears. Isn't that strange?)

So you get me now, right? It was a good, healthy try--it's always fun to write cliches--and here you seem a master at it! But I'd much rather reading an original piece--it's much more moving and full of images that bring me to feel rather than stare a blank computer screen.

Sorry for the bluntness, but it's all "the cold, hard" truth.

I agree with gadi. Sometimes a little brutal honesty is necessary when it comes to improving your work.

This is what we would describe as "an emo poem." Emo poetry is not only sad, it is sad in a way that makes us NOT care. When you write sad poetry, the idea is to get the reader to feel empathy for your speaker, to understand the emotion as raw and human and personal. This poem was an exercise, though, in navel-gazing and in borrowing from the countless other emo poems out there. You can do better than that.

Don't be afraid to bring up specific examples from your own life; writers always write best when they're able to write about things they know. We've all felt sad and hopeless before, but saying "Sadness. Hopelessness," doesn't inspire that in people. You've got to SHOW them, not tell them. Telling is much more wimpy. Give us images to tie down the truckload of emotion. Would you rather eat a pie or be told that it's delicious?

Above all, read poetry. Read lots and lots of good poetry, classic and contemporary. The best way to improve your writing is to read. Now dig yourself out of that smelly pile of cliches and make me care about this poem!

-Colleen

ok so its been a while since i wrote a poem and i'm a bit rusty! SORRY!
But its ok i was kinds sad when i wrote it and i was watching the final episode of Wolf's Rain s i guess its to be exspected.
I do enjoy critisisum(i think i spelled it right)! So keep it up

I totally agree with what the others have said. To me, it just sounds terrible. It is not deep and I just don't care.

I would write more derogitory comments, but it is late and I'm tired and I don't want to bore you with them.

~Timea

Gadi got most of it. This is the second 'poor me' poem I've seen posted. You know why I hate these, because half the time when I read them, I don't get intended emotional response. I feel normally annoyed I was shown such tripe. Anyway point is, 'poor me' poems unless written well, drive people insane. Now this is also navel gazing that's not recommended in poetry. You give us no reason to care. Overall: I read you've not done this for a while, but never ever start from 'poor me' poems. They're over done. Just go for something that means a lot to ya. That makes your heart cry and show this. All in all, just read some poetry and work on techniques and affecting the readers emotions.

Good luck
VSN

this one is an old one. My 1st poem posted here.

I'm afraid I have to agree with everyone about the cliches.
Something with more originality would have been better.
I think I have the same issue with the "poor me" poems though, so hopefully it's something that can easily be changed.

Yeah, I agree with everyone else--I felt nothing at all when I read this. I saw no pictures--in my opinion, this wasn't even a poem. It was a few lines of words about your feelings at the time. Poems express and enduce feelings (hint: that's why reciting poetry to your beau is so romantic) Most of the poems I read make me feel lightheaded with emotion--I'm not saying ALL poems should be like that, but most poems should make you feel something.

this is a very old peom. Just ignore it please.

Its very entertaining to watch Maki-chan as she DESPERATELY tries to make people stay away from her old writing. I'm probably not helping, but I'll do my best and say

GET AWAY FROM THAT COMMENT BUTTON! THIS IS AN OLD POEM FOR MAKI-CHAN AND SHE NEEDS NO MORE ATTENTION DRAWN TO IT!

I'm sorry, but I sort of liked it. I'm weird I guess.

hurray! one fan. oh well I agree with Talking_Pinata. Please stay away.

Well the rythem DOES make it sound good in my head, and if it helps its a very good cliche.

It's okay. Not exciting, not brilliant. It was okay.

It's an 'emo' poem or as I say it 'I am wallowing in self-pity' poem, and I think poems like these are uh, annoying. Like there's no hope.

Though your poem is in this theme, you wrote it really well. So that's a great achievement.

Great job! Keep writing.